Dying is a lonely journey. Not only for the sick person but also for the family. As hard as we may try to avoid death, the truth is that we do a lousy job of it. Science and medicine will certainly postpone it, even staying healthy might seem to delay it, but the harsh reality is that death does not wait for you, it does not ask you, and it does not listen to you. Death ignores your feelings and wants; you do not matter to death…Death is the only certainty in life! We need to remember that our existence here is fragile, and we never have as much time with people as we think we do. If there is someone or someones out there that you love, don’t neglect that and don’t put off engaging with them because waits for no-one… Vic's Journey ended on 18 January 2013 at 10:35. She was the most courageous person in the world and has inspired thousands of people all over the world. Vic's two boys are monuments of her existence. She was an amazing mother, daughter, sister and friend. I will miss you today, tomorrow and forever my Angle Child.
“I salute you. I am your friend, and my love for you goes deep.
There is nothing I can give you which you have not. But there is much,
very much, that, while I cannot give it, you can take. No heaven can
come to us unless our hearts find rest in it today. Take heaven!
No peace lies in the future which is not hidden in this present little instant.
Take peace! The gloom of the world is but a shadow. Behind it, yet within
our reach, is joy. There is radiance and glory in darkness, could we but see.
And to see, we have only to look. I beseech you to look!
Life is so generous a giver. But we, judging its gifts by their covering,
cast them away as ugly or heavy or hard. Remove the covering, and you
will find beneath it a living splendor, woven of love by wisdom, with power.
Welcome it, grasp it, and you touch the angel’s hand that brings it to you.
Everything we call a trial, a sorrow or a duty, believe me, that angel’s hand is there.
The gift is there and the wonder of an overshadowing presence. Your joys, too,
be not content with them as joys. They, too, conceal diviner gifts.
Life is so full of meaning and purpose, so full of beauty beneath its covering,
that you will find earth but cloaks your heaven. Courage then to claim it; that is all!
But courage you have, and the knowledge that we are pilgrims together,
wending through unknown country home.
And so, at this time, I greet you, not quite as the world sends greetings,
but with profound esteem and with the prayer that for you, now and
forever, the day breaks and shadows flee away.”
It is Christmas. It is a warm, and sunny-day, and my heart is cold.
This is our last Christmas as a complete family.
Vic has been vomiting non-stop. The acid has burnt the inside of her mouth. Her derriere is so lumpy, black and blue from the constant injections. Sr Siza popped in. She examined Vic and started drawing up a Clopamon and Morphine injection.
“Please Sister, not my bum. Please do it on my thigh.”
Vic no longer has an appetite. She is sleeping at least 20 out of 24 hours. Vic is very warm to the touch and appears flushed. The thermometer reflects a temperature of 37 degrees C.
“Do you understand what your body is telling you Vic?” Siza asked
Vic nodded and whispered “I do not want to die…”
“Nobody wants to die, Vicky. We all will walk this path. Some sooner than others… You have a degenerative illness and your body is tired…”
“You must surrender your body to God. It is time for your brain to make peace with what is happening in your body.” Siza said. “Where is your Bible?”
3 There is a time for everything, and a season for every activity under the heavens:
2 a time to be born and a time to die, a time to plant and a time to uproot, 3 a time to kill and a time to heal, a time to tear down and a time to build, 4 a time to weep and a time to laugh, a time to mourn and a time to dance, 5 a time to scatter stones and a time to gather them, a time to embrace and a time to refrain from embracing, 6 a time to search and a time to give up, a time to keep and a time to throw away, 7 a time to tear and a time to mend, a time to be silent and a time to speak, 8 a time to love and a time to hate, a time for war and a time for peace.
Siza prayed for Vic and the family for peace and grace in this time. Vic cried and Danie gently held her.
Danie, and I walked with Siza. Her eyes were sad when she said “Her body is shutting down. It could be quick or it could be a few weeks.”
The rest of Christmas Eve passed as if I was in a daze. Lani and the kids arrived, my dear friend Judy arrived after a marathon charity event and the smell of gammon and roast lamb permeated the house. The tables looked festive and there were tons of gifts under the tree.
Vic handed out the gifts. The kids shrieked with delight. A lot of thought went into the gifts. The gifts were truly gifts of love.
3 There is a time for everything, and a season for every activity under the heavens:
a time to be born and a time to die,
Vic doing the Santa thingVic, Lani and TomLove is family…Our dear friend Judy, with Vic, and I. How beautiful is baby Izak?Danie and I with Vic
Today has been a very, very bad day. Sr Siza was here when Vic had a violent vomiting spell. Yesterday Vic fractured a vertebra again. Her pain is out of control. Her breathing was shallow.
“I don’t want Jon-Daniel to see me now Mommy. It freaks him out when I can’t breathe” Vic pleaded
I lay behind her back, gently holding her whilst the tears wracked through her little body.
“I don’t want to die Mommy. If only I can live for another year….. But I am so tired!” Vic softly cried
“Do you think we will be able to do Italy Mommy?” she asked after a long silence
“I hope so Baby. I think we must take the boys with us…” I replied
“Oh Mommy, can we? We don’t have to go for a long time…” Vic said
We lay quietly for a while. Vic trying to breathe through her nausea and pain and I contemplating how I am going to pull off this Italy thing… Just imagine flying with a caseload of injections and a litre of morphine syrup…
“Mommy, I don’t care what you do with my ashes… It was so hard putting my father’s ashes into that wall of remembrance! Are you going to be okay Mommy?” Vic cried
My heart stopped. This was so out of the blue… “You will always be with me. I will not put you into any wall” I said
“I will be your guardian angel.” Vic said
“I know but remember I will need some privacy… “I said
“Don’t worry Mommy! I will make sure my father doesn’t peep as well” Vic laughed through her tears
Over the past 10 years I have seen my child suffer so much indignity and indescribable pain. I have seen the despair in her eyes, the helplessness in the eyes of her boys….I have stood next to her bed and physically pulled my hair in frustration – tears pouring down my cheeks. I have wept before God and prayed for Vic to die. I begged God to take away her suffering.
I advocated the right to die with dignity.
Vic has been in the care of Hospice for the past 3 months. In this time Vic has been given a new lease on life. Hospice cannot change the prognosis but they have given Vic quality of Life. For the past three months Vic has been able to occasionally get out of bed, go for milkshakes with her boys, she went to Jared’s confirmation and Jon-Daniel’s honours evening. She completed her photo albums.
Vic is in renal and hepatic failure. Her tissue is horrendous. Her pain is under control! As and when symptoms surface, Vic’s medication is adjusted. She is treated with compassion and respect. Her wish is the teams command….
As the situation is now I am so grateful that my child is alive. I treasure every breath that she takes. We chat, laugh and cry. We dream of going to Italy in 2013.
So given the situation now what would I advocate – The right to die with dignity or the right to live?
I have no doubt that if Vic’s pain and symptoms got worse, I would want her suffering to end. If it remains as great as it is now of course I want her to live. But it is key that Vic is allowed to live with Dignity!
As much as I advocate the right to die with dignity I believe that the final decision lies with the sick person. It is not for family or physicians to play God. The patient has to be the only decision maker.
I must admit that if the decision was mine to make, my child’s suffering would have ended a long time ago.
We all have the right to Live with Dignity. There is a huge difference between breathing and living…
I just finished a batch of choc-chip cookies. The house is quiet and sweet smell of the biscuits has permeated the air. The Christmas tree lights are flicking and the first batch of gifts beautifully wrapped. It is the season of Christmas. Two weeks ago I despaired that Vic would not live to see Christmas. Dr Sue came and saw Vic this morning. She lanced the cellulitis abscess on Vic’s arm. My baby girl was so brave!! Sue told us of a young man who came to see her in her rooms with a small abscess in his face. He cried with pain. Sue told Vic what a brave person she is…I was so proud of my little girl. Vic’s heart and pulse rate is very elevated. She has a kidney infection. Kidney infections make her tired. I just checked on Vic and she is sleeping so peacefully. She has a serene expression on her beautiful face and she is truly pain-free tonight. Sitting here I am counting my blessings. My baby girl is home. I cannot begin to imagine how difficult it would have been if Vic lived elsewhere or if she was married or involved. I can now care for my child without having to consider my “position” in her life. I am able to be her mommy and take care of her. The boys are settled and happy living with us. We love having them so close to us. They are such well-behaved, kind and helpful boys! Before Vic moved home the boys, mainly Jared, had to cook most days. Now they are able to be children. Life has settled into an easy routine. We have laughter and fun. We cry and despair. We hug. We talk and constantly affirm our love for one another. Vic is spending a lot of time with her boys – talking. She helped with the preparations for Jared’s 16th birthday party. Vic passed me the spices when I baked this year’s Christmas cakes. We laughed when we decided the cake needed another “splash of brandy”. Vic “chose” her Christmas Cake. My wonderful husband is such an amazing person. He is my rock and pillar. He loves and protects us. I am happy and content with our lives. Thank you God for this time of closeness.
There is a Sacredness in tears. They are not the mark of weakness, but of power. They speak more eloquently than ten thousand tongues. They are messengers of overwhelming grief and unspeakable Love. ~Washington Irving
I have been quite busy album-making for Christmas. Over the past month I have gone through thousands of photos!
One of the most touching photos I came across, was a photo of Vic where she is crying. She was not crying from pain or fear. She was crying from pride and happiness…
tears of pride and joy……..
Then I saw this “Status” of an old schoolfriend and I knew I had to post about the sacredness of tears. I posted the quote earlier but after going through the photographs I decided to actually write about Vic’s tears.
Vic was a little girl of about 7 years of age. We were driving home from the school sports day. I looked in the mirror and saw the tears running down her cheeks….
What’s wrong angel? I asked
“I also want to run Mommy….” She said
I have seen tears of pain in her eyes more times than I wish to remember.
I have seen tears of fear shimmering in her eyes many, many times.
I have seen tears of sadness roll down her cheeks…tears of despair…
Tears of pain
I have seen tears of resignation
I have also seen tears in the eyes of her Gastrointestinal Surgeon when he said “No More”
But the tears that I will always want to remember are the tears of pride that Vic has cried. She has cried at Jon-Daniel’s Prize Giving’s, school concerts and when Jared plays guitar in Church and at recitals, Jared’s confirmation…
Vic’s tears are sacred. They are like rain on the windows to her soul. In the words of Eileen Mayhew” “Let your tears come. Let them water your soul.”
I love you angel child! Maybe you will cry tears of happiness again one day…
It has been a crazy week. Between Vic, final 2012 business meetings, a brochure photo shoot, visiting grandchildren, Jared’s birthday party and Hospice meetings I have run around in circles. I have not had time to blog or read all the blogs I am following.
Vic has had a reasonable week. I can see her getting weaker every day. At night I give Vic a Pethidine, Zantac and Buscopan injection. The Pethidine makes her sleepy. During the day she is able to tell me she needs an anti-nausea injection. At night the drug-induced sleep does not allow her the luxury of early warning. Vic projectile vomits every day of her life!
Vic has also had a couple of uncontrolled sneezing attacks and lots of hiccups. I fear she will fracture ribs and vertebrae if we are not able to control this quickly. I have started giving her antihistamine tablets. Hospice tells me it is a symptom of the kidney and liver failure and will get much worse.
Her arm is still very inflamed and painful. We are now on the 3rd round of antibiotics. The tissue in her derriere is very poor. It is lumpy and bruised. It is becoming more and more difficult finding good tissue where I can inject her.
Emotionally it is really a difficult time. Vic is spending as much time with the boys as possible. She is doing a lot of what appears to be “lasts”….
It is 11 days to Christmas, and we are looking forward to a quiet Christmas Eve with the family. Our gifts are not as extravagant as other years. Our priorities are simply different this year. This year Christmas will be a time of love and togetherness.
SET YOU FREE – Judy UngerSET YOU FREE You’re hanging on as night turns to dawnI know you can’t stay and soon you’ll be gonewe both know it’s hard to let go; wherever you are my love won’t be faryour smile, your touch, your voice, your face; your essence I will never replacethough I long for you to hold me; I need to set you freeThere is no fear and your leaving is clearwe’ll still have our love it remains with each tear I cry as you leave but I truly believe; as you leave my sight we’ll both be all rightyour smile, your touch, your voice, your face; your essence I will never replacethough I long for you to hold me; I need to set you freethough you have flown to somewhere unknownwe’re never apart ‘cause you’re here in my heartyour smile, your touch, your voice, your face; your essence I will never replacethough I long for you to hold me; I need to set you freethough I long for you to hold me; I need to set you free
Vic is not having a good day. She is so brave, but it is clear to all that she is slowly losing the battle.
The cellulitis in her arm is slowly clearing, the pain and nausea is under control but Vic is weaker. She looks old and drawn – the pain clearly etched on her little face. My heart physically aches when I look at her, and I know that my love will follow her, wherever she may go..
I know I must set Vic free. I need to release her from the hell she lives. I echo Judy’s words “You’re hanging on as night turns to dawn; I know you can’t stay and soon you’ll be gone; we both know it’s hard to let go; wherever you are my love won’t be far”
Thank you Judy for your compassion and sharing your beautiful songs with me.
Late Saturday night Vic’s restlessness was indicative that she was determined to be the first to wish me. At 11.30 pm she came through and said “another half hour….. I want to be the first to wish you Mommy. I just want 30 minutes alone with you on your birthday…”
“No problem angel. I’ll switch the kettle on.” I said
“I will be back in a minute” she said
I made coffee and checked some e-mails. At 12:00pm I expected her to come through singing “Happy Birthday” but no Vicky….
I went through to her room and the poor baby had fallen asleep on her bed…
Jon-Daniel came through and brought me a cup of tea on a tray, with a gift and card and a rose! “Happy birthday Oumie” he said.
He had bought a book I have wanted to read for a while “The Elephant Whisperer” – It is an inspiring, true life drama of a herd of wild African elephants on an African game reserve. The herd is destined to be shot for dangerous behaviour when this special human being, Anthony, intervenes to try to save their lives. I was so thrilled that he remembered.
Just before 01:00 am Vic shuffled into my TV lounge.
“Oh Mommy, I am so sorry I fell asleep. I thought I would just close my eyes for 5 minutes whilst you make the coffee…”
We sat and chatted for a while. Vic shared her good wishes with me and we just sat and spoke. We spoke about our very special mother-daughter relationship. We spoke about years gone by and how blessed we are to have this time together. (I cannot imagine Vic married and living in someone else’s home on her final journey.)
The girls, Esther and Lani, arrived at 10:00am with gifts, a cooked meal, dessert and cake. The grandchildren set the table… My sister Lorraine and dear friend Judy arrived bearing armloads of gifts. The grandchildren had written me letters and cards – it was so special. Vic bravely cooked a pot of rice and had lunch with the family. All the grandchildren swam and played tug-a-war! We laughed and joked.
It was a perfect day.
Esther and Lani planned the day to start early whilst Vic is at her best. As the day progresses so her energy levels decrease. Immediately after lunch Vic went to bed. She was in so much pain and absolutely exhausted.
All the grandchildren wanted to stay.
Sunday evening we Skyped my son and his family in the UK. Vic and Danie spoke. Vic and Danie Jnr have a special bond.
Twenty two years ago I married Danie Sr and his four children; Esther 23, Lani 18, Liza 16 and Danie 11… Danie married me and one, sick, very protected, spoilt brat, Vicky, aged 16. Vic and Danie Jnr were the two kids who lived with us. Vic embraced her new family. (I was petrified of the children!)
Vic’s siblings have been amazing over the years. I could never have coped as well as I do if it was not for their love, support and encouragement. The siblings are fiercely protective of their little sister.
Vic and Danie Jnr spoke for at least 10 minutes last night. It was a sad conversation between a brother and his older, little sister.
“I miss you too Vic. How are you feeling?” Jnr asked
“I am battling Boetie (Little Brother) Vic said
“We are coming to visit in April then I will see you Vic”
“I don’t know if I am going to make it to April” Vic said
“Just hang in there Vic. It is not that long to April…” Jnr consoled her
“I know but I am tired. I am just missing you” Vic cried
“I will fly over for a weekend. I want to see you again” Danie promised
Vic was so tired last night. Her little body cannot handle parties anymore. She tries so hard. This weekend we will have Jared’s 16th birthday. It is only his birthday on the 26th but most of his friends are away for Christmas so we have his friend party an early in December.
I know this will more than likely be another last for Vic.
My poor child had a horrible night. The pain was under control, but her arm still throbbed, and she was restless. I was busy with some Christmas gifts. I tried to go to sleep, but gave it up as a bad job. So I wrote a post. At 2am this morning I had just “published” when Vic rang the intercom.
The intercom is her 911
I ran down the passage knowing that my poor child had vomited again. The poor little thing was standing in the shower covered in her 7 pm dinner and antibiotic tablets. The food had not digested at all. She was shivering and crying.
I cleaned up whilst Vic showered.
“I am sorry Mommy. I am so sorry Mommy”… Vic sobbed.
“I can’t do this anymore Mommy. I don’t want to live like this anymore….”
I eventually got into bed at 5am. Three hours sleep used to be enough sleep when I was younger. I think I am getting old. I need more than 3 hours. Maybe it is time to look at a night nurse…..
Hospice called early this morning. The antibiotics have been changed to IM injections. We cannot put up an IV drip. Sr Siza told Vic she should be admitted to hospital to have the abscess lanced and drained. Vic refused. “No more hospitals. Mommy you promised…”
Monday morning Dr Sue will come to the house and do the procedure here.
Yesterday I spoke with a wonderful young man, Marchelle. I was privileged to have worked with Marchelle worked for a couple of years. Unfortunately we lost a large contract and had to go our separate ways.
Marchelle has a pure heart. He is selfless and one of the very few people I trust with every fibre of my being. Marchelle has never let me down.
Marchelle told me he is following my blog. He asked me whether I thought the situation is truly as bad as Hospice say it is. I said I did.
He asked “what is different this time? You have been told so many times that Vic was dying, and then she bounces back…”
I started giving him the facts; Vic is in renal and hepatic failure… This time she cannot bounce back. Organ failure is organ failure…. Talking to him I thought “Marchelle is right! Why am I giving up this time? I have NEVER given up on my child, and I will not give up now.”
I walked into Vic’s room and stood in the door looking at my beautiful little girl sleeping. I am so tired that I am allowing the negativity of the situation to get to me. It was however only at 4:00 am that the reality of Vic’s situation re-settled around my heart like a lead jacket – I know my child has had enough.
Marchelle said he prays for us every day, and I believe him.
This morning Vic took her precious boys to pick up their report cards. Both Danie and I said we would take them. Vic very politely refused. She wanted to take her boys. She wanted to be first to see their marks. Maybe for the last time…
She was absolutely delighted with their marks. The boys had worked hard and deserve every mark they received. I wonder whether the boys will remember in the years to come that their Mommy got out of her sick- bed to go with them to collect their 2012 report cards.
We are so proud of them. They are brave kids.
On Sunday we will celebrate my birthday. On the 24th we will have our first Christmas dinner with Lani, Tom and all their kids. Simone still believes in Santa! On the 25th we will go to Church. On the 26th we will celebrate Jared’s birthday. On the 27th we will start planning our New Year celebrations.
Forward planning is “The power of positive thinking”…
Vic’s arm is very painful. The antibiotics have not started working yet. Dr Sue will come and see her tomorrow morning, and we will then decide whether it warrants hospitalization. Obviously Vic need intravenous antibiotics and her tissue is too poor….
Tonight Vic had one of her worst vomiting spells yet. It happened after 02:00am and her dinner of 7.30pm had not digested yet. It is obvious that the oral antibiotics are not being absorbed.
Vic was very tired today, but insisted on going with Jon-Daniel to the orthodontist. In years to come will he remember that his mommy was with him when he heard his orthodontic treatment ends on the 1st of February at 09:15am?
My sister phoned tonight. She categorically told me that I have no business injecting Vic. Nurses go to College for 4 or 5 years so they know what they are doing…. I did not even bother to explain that it is the Hospice site that is bad… My two sites are only in the beginning stages of going septic… I wonder whether she remembered that Vic has sepsis in her spine and abdomen…
The pethidine has kicked in. My child is in a pain-free sleep. I will now try to sleep. Tomorrow may be a rough day.
It is 12:42am and Vic is sleeping peacefully. She had a “good” day. In between her naps she had lunch with a friend, a visit from Esther and a walk in the garden with Jared!
Vic’s legs are growing very weak. The cellulitis on her arm has worsened despite the antibiotics. It is now oozing pus. Sr Siza will see her tomorrow, and I believe Vic will have to go onto IV antibiotics. She had a violent vomiting spell just after she took her antibiotic tablets tonight. It is very difficult for her to keep tablets and food down. Despite the six-hourly anti-nausea injections she has…. And of course there is the problem of the poor absorption.
“I can’t do this anymore…” Vic mumbled to herself tonight after the vomiting episode.
The situation is getting to Danie. My poor husband tries so hard to be strong and make life easier for the rest of us. Jared and Jon-Daniel are deeply conscious of the situation.
“Life will be horrible without Mommy” Jared said today. “She takes so much of our time, and such a big space in our lives…. Mommy has such a presence Oumie…”
We spoke about his little brother and Jon-Daniel’s inability and aversion to discuss his emotions.
I realised that the boys are already starting to dread the void Vic’s passing will leave. Anticipatory grief is a killer. It is unfair that these two beautiful boys have to experience so much pain and hardship in their young lives. They should be riding their bikes and getting up to mischief. Now they are stressed out because their mother is dying.
I am too tired to write anything that makes sense. I just need to record today. I never want to forget today.
I want to remember how I felt when I lay with my child this afternoon. I want to remember her tears when she spoke to her sister. I want to remember the smell of her vomit. Maybe it will make it easier to accept later on.
I just finished a batch of choc-chip cookies. The house is quiet and sweet smell of the biscuits has permeated the air. The 
Vic's Final Journey 