Longing for Heaven


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I am reposting this magnificent post of Peter Wiebe.  Thank you Peter.  I almost feel excited that Vic soon will meet her Saviour in a painfree body!

Peter Wiebe Aylmer, ON

.My name is Peter Wiebe. I am a husband and father of 4 boys-the oldest of which has gone ahead of us to Heaven after a courageous battle with cancer at the age of 10.

I am a Christian and thus write from a Christian perspective. Although my faith was/is being severely tested by the loss of my firstborn son, my hope lies in Jesus Christ and all that the Bible teaches regarding Him, His death and resurrection, and our future hope of glory with Him.

This blog is a journey through grief, about cultivating an eternal mindset in a temporary world, about all things related to faith, and life after death.

I dedicate this blog to Jesse’s memory and hope that its contents will draw others nearer to God.

 

If we find ourselves with a desire that nothing in this world can satisfy, the most probable explanation is that we were made for another world.

C. S. Lewis

 ***

With The Guardian’s arms wrapped snugly around his chest, the wind rushing past his ears and whipping through his hair, Jesse extended his arms and whooped for joy just like Woody in “Toy Story” when he flew with Buzz.

The sea, a luminous, turquoise blue rushed by far below. The Guardian angled towards the water till they were just skimming above its surface. Unable to resist, Jesse dipped his right hand into the water, fingers extended. His hand sliced into the water creating a plume of ocean spray behind the duo as they sped across the sea. The cool water sent a delightful tingling sensation up his arm. Jesse laughed and thought perhaps he heard the Guardian chuckle, but he couldn’t say for certain. They lifted higher again, and he could no longer reach the water.

Ahead, the breakers rolled onto a glistening white shore. Further back, yet towering over the beach, a vertical rock face rose to unknown heights.

As they flew over the pristine white sands, the rock wall loomed ahead. Dramatically, the Guardian altered course and shot straight up, parallel to the cliff face. Jesse’s stomach jumped at the sudden change in direction. They accelerated as they rose ever higher. Soon, the beach below vanished from sight and still they ascended. Just as it seemed there would be no end to the rock wall, they slowed and crested the top.

As far as the eye could see, a shining white wall stretched along the edge of the precipice in either direction. There was a walkway on top of the wall and watchtowers evenly spaced along its length. A figure, looking over the parapet, waved as they flew over and past the wall.

“An angel?” Jesse asked.

“Yes,” replied the Guardian. “Welcome to Heaven’s Country.”

Their journey took them over majestic snow-capped mountains, lush green valleys, and beautiful meadows until at last they sighted the City of God situated in the midst of a vast golden plain.

The city was built on and around a mountain whose summit thrust up into the sky to dizzying heights. The most dazzling colours of light appeared to emanate from the city. From their vantage point, high in the air, it resembled a shining jewel set in a sea of gold. And yet, as high as they were, the mountain rose still higher. Jesse doubted whether or not they could have flown over it.

The city grew ever larger as they drew nearer until it dominated the entire landscape. The Guardian angled downward and slowed their flight. They were landing. As they approached the ground, a gentle breeze played over the golden grass causing a rippling effect that was stunning. It reminded Jesse of a wheat field.

As they swooped in closer, a path presented itself, cutting through the wheat-grass and leading toward a large gate set in the massive wall of the city. The wall itself extended to either side until it disappeared on the horizon. It pulsed with mesmerizing colours as if the light from within the city could not quite be contained by its walls. The gate was open and a large angel stood guard beside it.

The Guardian released him as Jesse’s feet touched the ground. “We’re here, Child.”

Jesse looked at him with apprehension. “Will you come with me?”

The Guardian smiled. “I will see you again soon. Someone else is waiting for you here. You must go to the gate now.”

The boy turned. Tentatively, he started walking toward the gate.

***

The Guardian watched as intense light poured out of the opening onto the walkway. Its brilliance increased a hundredfold as a figure, silhouetted by the light, stepped through the gate.

The boy hesitated, but the silhouetted figure did not. He ran to the boy, picked him up in his arms, and twirled him around before gently setting him down again. Then, the Lord, of both Heaven and Earth, stooped down in front of the child, reaching out his nail scarred hands. The child took hold of the Lord’s hands and threw himself into the arms of his Saviour.

The Guardian could not hear the words that were spoken between the two. They were sacred between the child and the Lord. Soon, the two of them walked hand in hand back through the gate. The celebration would soon follow.

Peter Wiebe 2012

 

http://thresholdofheaven.com/2013/01/07/longing-for-heaven/

 

 

“Promise me Mommy…..”


ImageIt has been a long day.  Vic is in a drug induced sleep.  She looks so peaceful.  Vic is not anaesthetized – she wakes when she is thirsty or in pain.  She has only urinated once in 24 hours.  Her end is near.

Vic is looking angelically beautiful.  Her skin is blemish free and almost transparent.  Her hair seems to have taken on a life of it’s own.  Her little hands look skeleton like.  Her body is wasting away and yet she remains as beautiful as ever! 

I will not sleep tonight.  Many years ago I promised Vic that she would not die alone or in a hospital.  The time is near and I must honour this promise.

Earlier tonight she woke up and I wasn’t in her room.  She had a panic attack… Danie found her trying to walk down the passage.  She was holding onto the wall and tears were running down her cheeks.  “Mommy, I am scared…”

Something has started bleeding again.  Vic vomited and there are signs of old and new blood again.  “Look Mommy, my mouth is bleeding…” she said.

Vic is deadly pale and her body has involuntary “jerking” movements.   She is decidedly unstable.

“Mommy, you have to get me to the awards evening.  I don’t care how.  Promise me Mommy!!!”  She sobbed tonight.  Tomorrow I will speak to the school and make the arrangements.  It is not a wheelchair friendly school and Vic could never sit through a two hour ceremony.  We will find a way.

We had a strangely “normal” day today.  Jared brought his gaming computer down from the study into my TV lounge.  It is something I don’t encourage because there are wires and cords all over and I HATE the untidiness of it.  Today I welcomed it.  We needed to be close to one another.  I swam twice and we ate spaghetti bolognaise. 

The boys have fear in their eyes.  I have fear in my heart. 

 

 

 

 

Daddy don’t leave me….


Daddy don’t leave me…..

Daddy don’t leave me….


Tuesday brought an avalanche of visitors.  It was a very, very emotional day.  Vic was confused and seeing visions of angels and dead loved ones.

Vic’s friend Angela has been absolutely amazing.  She has sat through many hours of Vic’s tears and fears.  She has consoled and supported – at great personal expense.  I have used Angela as a sounding board and dragged her into discussions with Siza. I discussed sedation and treatment options with her.  She has hugged and messaged.  She has been a pillar of strength.

Leigh, Jared BFF’s Mom, walked in on Tuesday with armloads of flowers.  Vic’s room looked and smelled like a garden!  It looked absolutely beautiful and Vic was thrilled.

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Vic has refused to let go.  She is holding onto life with every fibre of her being.  She does not want visitors to leave and will try to get out of bed when they are here.

She cries and keeps asking “How do I say my final goodbyes?”

Esther visits every day.  She picks up the boys after school.  She is Vic’s guide.  “Go towards the light.  The light is good!” she keeps telling Vic.  Esther is a ray of sunshine and like the Rock of Gibraltar.  She is Vic’s sister in love.

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It is heart wrenching!

Vic clings to her dad and the boys.  She puts out her arms and says “Daddy don’t leave me…”  When she sees her boys she cries “Please give me a hug…”  and then “I love you more than life and then some more…”

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I hate my life.  I wish I were dead.

Quiet waters of peace


Lead me to the quiet waters of peace
Lead me to the quiet waters of peace

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Vic is very restless and agitated.  Hospice says that at this stage they normally sedate the patients to make the passing easier.  It would be a wonderful solution.  Vic’s mind is mostly crystal clear and busier than ever.  She continuously asks for photos to be taken, not necessarily of herself but of the boys, her friends and family.  Last night I actually said to her (after her insisting on photos being taken of me – on my own) “Sweetie, you cannot take your cell phone to heaven with you.”

“Oh…” she said.  “Why not?  I think I will…”

We laughed.

In her desperate attempts to cling to life she is trying to capture images on her phone…I do know that she is imbedding the images on her heart and she will take the images of her loved ones with her.

Last night was very difficult.  The Pethidine makes her hyper.  She fights sleep at night!  Vic is scared she will close her eyes and never open them again.

Vic clung to Danie’s hands when he came to say goodnight.  “Don’t leave me Daddy!  Please don’t leave me!!!  I am so scared!” Poor Danie was totally distraught!

“I am so tired” Vic cries and seconds later she will try and get out of bed, so she can stay awake!

In the early hours of the morning I was exhausted when I eventually got inpatient with Vic and told her to get into bed.  She looked at me and said “I sometimes think you love me to death but other times I think you hate me…”

I know she is confused at times.  I will not allow these words to haunt me later.  She “sees” people.  She babbles non-stop.

The weight is falling off her.  Her trembling fingers are bony, almost skeleton like.  Her eyes are sunken and reflect her pain and anguish.  My poor baby is starving to death!  She has absolutely no appetite.  I don’t know when last she was hungry or able to eat.

Esther and Leon came to visit today.  Esther was very emotional when she saw Vic.  I know she said her goodbyes today.  I could see that they had spoken to their boys.  Both Henk and Yuri kissed Vic whilst she was sleeping.

Jared asked me today why I don’t sedate Vic.  I explained to him that she refuses to be sedated.  “I think it will be better for Mom to sleep all the time now Oumie.  It is too hard for her now and she is too scared…Ask Sr Siza to give her some sedation…”

Oh Lord how do I make this easier for my family?  How do I spare the boys the pain of seeing their mother dying bit by bit?  Do I send them to their father and have them hate me for it or do I subject them to the horror of what’s happening?

I wish Vic was in a hospital where the decisions weren’t mine.  But I promised Vic “no more hospitals”.  I will never go back on my word.

I am babbling.

Vic is very restless and agitated.  Hospice says that at this stage they normally sedate the patients to make the passing easier.  It would be a wonderful solution.  Vic’s mind is mostly crystal clear and busier than ever.  She continuously asks for photos to be taken, not necessarily of herself but of the boys, her friends and family.  Last night I actually said to her (after her insisting on photos being taken of me – on my own) “Sweetie, you cannot take your cell phone to heaven with you.”

“Oh…” she said.  “Why not?  I think I will…”

We laughed.

In her desperate attempts to cling to life she is trying to capture images on her phone…I do know that she is imbedding the images on her heart and she will take the images of her loved ones with her.

Last night was very difficult.  The Pethidine makes her hyper.  She fights sleep at night!  Vic is scared she will close her eyes and never open them again.

Vic clung to Danie’s hands when he came to say goodnight.  “Don’t leave me Daddy!  Please don’t leave me!!!  I am so scared!” Poor Danie was totally distraught!

“I am so tired” Vic cries and seconds later she will try to get out of bed so she can stay awake!

In the early hours of the morning I was exhausted when I eventually got inpatient with Vic and told her to get into bed.  She looked at me and said “I sometimes think you love me to death but other times I think you hate me…”

I know she is confused at times.  I will not allow these words to haunt me later.  She “sees” people.  She babbles non-stop.

The weight is falling off her.  Her trembling fingers are bony, almost skeleton like.  Her eyes are sunken and reflect her pain and anguish.  My poor baby is starving to death!  She has absolutely no appetite.  I don’t know when last she was hungry or able to eat.

Esther and Leon came to visit today.  Esther was very emotional when she saw Vic.  I know she said her goodbyes today.  I could see that they had spoken to their boys.  Both Henk and Yuri kissed Vic whilst she was sleeping.

Jared asked me today why I don’t sedate Vic.  I explained to him that she refuses to be sedated.  “I think it will be better for Mom to sleep all the time now Oumie.  It is too hard for her now and she is too scared…Ask Sr Siza to give her some sedation…”

Oh Lord how do I make this easier for my family?  How do I spare the boys the pain of seeing their mother dying bit by bit?  Do I send them to their father and have them hate me for it or do I subject them to the horror of what’s happening?

I wish Vic was in a hospital where the decisions weren’t mine.  But I promised Vic “no more hospitals”.  I will never go back on my word.

I am babbling.

” Sometimes the pain’s too strong to bear…and life gets so hard you just don’t care.  You feel so alone you just sit and cry…every second you wish you could die.”  

 

 

VICKY – A WOMAN OF COURAGE!


My beautiful baby girl
My beautiful baby girl
What makes Vic strong?
Her heritage…
 
What makes Vic weak?
Her fears…  
                      
What makes Vic whole?
Her God…
 
What keeps Vic standing?
Her faith…
 
 What makes Vic compassionate?
Her selflessness…
 
What makes Vic honest?
Her integrity…
 
What sustains Vic mind?
Her quest for knowledge…
 
What teaches Vic all lessons?
Her mistakes…
 
What lifts Vic head high?
Her pride…
 
What if she can’t go on?
Not an option…
 
 What makes Vic victorious?
Her courage to climb…
 
What makes Vic competent?
Her confidence…
 
What makes Vic beautiful?
Her everything…
 
What makes Vic a woman?
Her heart…
 
Who says she needs love?
She does…
 
What empowers Vic?
Her God …

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

       

 

 

 

 

Happy birthday to you…


I hardly received any 2013 New Year’s wishes.  Normally I would receive so many beautiful wishes but this year I received messages for a” peaceful New Year’s Eve filled with laughter and good memories…”

Last night my sister said in a text message “what tears do 2013 hold for you?  Maybe it should stay 2012”…

Jared went a friend’s home; Danie went to bed early – he is coming down with flu; Vic was asleep so that left Jon-Daniel and I.  We watched Comedy Central and had some good laughs waiting for 2012 to end.

Jon-Daniel loves making his Mommy laugh.  In a way I suppose he uses humour as a coping mechanism.

“I think we should wake Mom up at 12” I said

“Okay…Let’s sing Happy Birthday to Mom….” He said with a twinkle in his eyes.

As the hooters and sirens started going Jon-Daniel and I sneaked into Vic’s room and sang “Happy Birthday to you…”  Vic opened her eyes and said “What is happening?” and immediately fell asleep again.

The joke was on us.

Today was a quiet day.  The boys spend some wonderful quality time with their Mom.  Danie remained in bed until almost 4pm as he is feeling lousy from the flu.  We all drifted in and out Vic’s room.  In the afternoon Jared went for a swim.  Vic went outside and spoke to him.

Jared had some questions and she patiently explained to him what an “Executor’s” duties are.  She explained why Leon and I were the Executors of her will and the Trustees of their Trust. (I got some lovely photos of Vic chatting to the boys!)  Vic tried to show Jared that she could whistle through an acorn… Jon-Daniel taught her! As much as she tried she could not get a sound out of the acorn.  To everybody’s laughter she said “But I can do it!”

We convinced her that she should get onto the inflated lilo.  The cold water would reduce her body temperature and the sun would be good for the jaundice.  Very reluctantly she got onto the “non- life-saving inflatable device”.  I got into the pool with Vic.

Esther and Yuri arrived and she made a dash for her camera…  later Leon and Henk arrived.  The boys swam and laughed and played…

It was a wonderful day filled with glorious memories.  We laughed and joked and eventually ate.  Esther lay with Vic and they spoke about where Vic was in her journey.

It was a special day.

I think friends and family don’t know what to wish us…How do you say “Happy New Year” to a household where death is knocking on the door?  I would not know what to say to us if I wasn’t me…

But from our home to yours: We wish you a great 2013.  We hope that 2013 is filled with laughter, good health, abundance and time to do some good every day.  We thank you for your love and support.  Thank you for your prayers and words of encouragement.  You have been such an amazing source of comfort to us.

Thank you Hospice for giving us the means to have these special memories!  Thank you to the manufacturers of Morphine, Pethidine, Stemitil and Buscopan…

 

Jon-Daniel teaching his Mom to whistle through an acorn...
Jon-Daniel teaching his Mom to whistle through an acorn…
Vic trying to whistle through an acorn...
Vic trying to whistle through an acorn…

 

 

Jared gently helping his Mom
Jared gently helping his Mom

 

Jared and Vic having a chat
Jared and Vic having a chat

 

Esther and I with precious Vicky
Esther and I with precious Vicky

 

Hi Sis, you know I love you....
Hi Sis, you know I love you….

 

 

 

 

 

 

I don’t want to die


Today has been a very, very bad day. Sr Siza was here when Vic had a violent vomiting spell. Yesterday Vic fractured a vertebra again. Her pain is out of control. Her breathing was shallow.

“I don’t want Jon-Daniel to see me now Mommy. It freaks him out when I can’t breathe” Vic pleaded

I lay behind her back, gently holding her whilst the tears wracked through her little body.

I don’t want to die Mommy. If only I can live for another year….. But I am so tired!” Vic softly cried

Do you think we will be able to do Italy Mommy?” she asked after a long silence

I hope so Baby. I think we must take the boys with us…” I replied

Oh Mommy, can we? We don’t have to go for a long time…” Vic said

We lay quietly for a while. Vic trying to breathe through her nausea and pain and I contemplating how I am going to pull off this Italy thing… Just imagine flying with a caseload of injections and a litre of morphine syrup…

Mommy, I don’t care what you do with my ashes… It was so hard putting my father’s ashes into that wall of remembrance! Are you going to be okay Mommy?” Vic cried

My heart stopped. This was so out of the blue… “You will always be with me. I will not put you into any wall” I said

“I will be your guardian angel.” Vic said

I know but remember I will need some privacy… “I said

Don’t worry Mommy! I will make sure my father doesn’t peep as well” Vic laughed through her tears

“I am scared Mommy…”

I am scared too Vic…”

Thank you God


I just finished a batch of choc-chip cookies.  The house is quiet and sweet smell of the biscuits has permeated the air.  The Christmas tree lights are flicking and the first batch of gifts beautifully wrapped.  It is the season of Christmas. Two weeks ago I despaired that Vic would not live to see Christmas. Dr Sue came and saw Vic this morning.  She lanced the cellulitis
abscess on Vic’s arm.  My baby girl was so brave!! Sue told us of a young man who came to see her in her rooms with a small abscess in his face.   He cried with pain.  Sue told Vic what a brave person she is…I was so proud of my little girl. Vic’s heart and pulse rate is very elevated.  She has a kidney infection.  Kidney infections make her tired. I just checked on Vic and she is sleeping so peacefully.  She has a serene expression on her beautiful face and she is truly pain-free tonight. Sitting here I am counting my blessings. My baby girl is home.  I cannot begin to imagine how difficult it would have been if Vic lived elsewhere or if she was married or involved.  I can now care for my child without having to consider my “position” in her life.  I am able to be her mommy and take care of her. The boys are settled and happy living with us.  We love having them so close to us.  They are such well-behaved, kind and helpful boys!  Before Vic moved home the boys, mainly Jared, had to cook most days.  Now they are able to be children. Life has settled into an easy routine.  We have laughter and fun.  We cry and despair.  We hug.  We talk and constantly affirm our love for one another. Vic is spending a lot of time with her boys – talking.  She helped with the preparations for Jared’s 16th birthday party.  Vic passed me the spices when I baked this year’s Christmas cakes.  We laughed when we decided the cake needed another “splash of brandy”.  Vic “chose” her Christmas Cake. My wonderful husband is such an amazing person.  He is my rock and pillar.  He loves and protects us. I am happy and content with our lives. Thank you God for this time of closeness.      

Tears and prayers…


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I started wrapping Christmas gifts today.  It is such a fun part of Christmas.  Vic came and sat with me.  Her face incredibly sad… “What’s wrong Baby?”

“My heart is hurting Mommy.”

“Vic there is nothing wrong with your heart?  Do you have pain?  What’s wrong?” I panicked.

Vic laughed …”No Mommy, my heart is sad.  I think it is my last Christmas…”

“Baby, the doctors said you would not live to be 12 and you are still alive.  You will beat this again….”

My little angel girl looked at me with so much sadness in her eyes…It broke my heart.  In my heart I know she is right.

“Mom I am so lonely…”

“I know Baby.”

“Everybody has somebody – I miss having a partner, a soul mate…”

“I know Angel.  I was on my own for a long time – remember?”

“Yes but now you have Dad.  I will never have someone in my life again….” Vic said

I have no words for my child.  Only tears and prayers….

10 days to Christmas Eve…


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It has been a crazy week.  Between Vic, final 2012 business meetings, a brochure photo shoot, visiting grandchildren, Jared’s birthday party and Hospice meetings I have run around in circles.  I have not had time to blog or read all the blogs I am following.

Vic has had a reasonable week.  I can see her getting weaker every day.  At night I give Vic a Pethidine, Zantac and Buscopan injection.  The Pethidine makes her sleepy.   During the day she is able to tell me she needs an anti-nausea injection.  At night the drug-induced sleep does not allow her the luxury of early warning.  Vic projectile vomits every day of her life!

Vic has also had a couple of uncontrolled sneezing attacks and lots of hiccups.  I fear she will fracture ribs and vertebrae if we are not able to control this quickly.  I have started giving her antihistamine tablets.  Hospice tells me it is a symptom of the kidney and liver failure and will get much worse.

Her arm is still very inflamed and painful.  We are now on the 3rd round of antibiotics.  The tissue in her derriere is very poor.  It is lumpy and bruised.  It is becoming more and more difficult finding good tissue where I can inject her.

Emotionally it is really a difficult time.  Vic is spending as much time with the boys as possible.  She is doing a lot of what appears to be “lasts”….

It is 11 days to Christmas, and we are looking forward to a quiet Christmas Eve with the family.  Our gifts are not as extravagant as other years.  Our priorities are simply different this year. This year Christmas will be a time of love and togetherness.

It is 10 days to Christmas Eve…

SET YOU FREE


A dear blogger friend of mine, Judy Unger, http://myjourneysinsight.com/ has generously mailed me a parcel with some of her songs.  She also wrote me a very touching email and appended a beautiful song sung by her.  The song, SET YOU FREE, http://judyunger.files.wordpress.com/2010/10/set-you-free-9_26_12-copyright-2012-by-judy-unger.mp3 was written by Judy when she faced losing her father and is hauntingly beautiful!

SET YOU FREE - Judy Unger
SET YOU FREE – Judy Unger
SET YOU FREE
 You’re hanging on as night turns to dawn
I know you can’t stay and soon you’ll be gone
we both know it’s hard to let go; wherever you are my love won’t be far
your smile, your touch, your voice, your face; your essence I will never replace
though I long for you to hold me; I need to set you free
There is no fear and your leaving is clear
we’ll still have our love it remains with each tear
 I cry as you leave but I truly believe; as you leave my sight we’ll both be all right
your smile, your touch, your voice, your face; your essence I will never replace
though I long for you to hold me; I need to set you free
though you have flown to somewhere unknown
we’re never apart ‘cause you’re here in my heart
your smile, your touch, your voice, your face; your essence I will never replace
though I long for you to hold me; I need to set you free
though I long for you to hold me; I need to set you free

Vic is not having a good day.  She is so brave, but it is clear to all that she is slowly losing the battle.

The cellulitis in her arm is slowly clearing, the pain and nausea is under control but Vic is weaker.  She looks old and drawn – the pain clearly etched on her little face.  My heart physically aches when I look at her, and I know that my love will follow her, wherever she may go..

I know I must set Vic free.  I need to release her from the hell she lives.  I echo Judy’s words “You’re hanging on as night turns to dawn; I know you can’t stay and soon you’ll be gone; we both know it’s hard to let go; wherever you are my love won’t be far”  

Thank you Judy for your compassion and sharing your beautiful songs with me.

Vic is sleeping peacefully


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It is 12:42am and Vic is sleeping peacefully.  She had a “good” day. In between her naps she had lunch with a friend, a visit from Esther and a walk in the garden with Jared!

Vic’s legs are growing very weak.  The cellulitis on her arm has worsened despite the antibiotics.  It is now oozing pus.  Sr Siza will see her tomorrow, and I believe Vic will have to go onto IV antibiotics.  She had a violent vomiting spell just after she took her antibiotic tablets tonight.  It is very difficult for her to keep tablets and food down.  Despite the six-hourly anti-nausea injections she has….  And of course there is the problem of the poor absorption.

“I can’t do this anymore…” Vic mumbled to herself tonight after the vomiting episode.

The situation is getting to Danie.  My poor husband tries so hard to be strong and make life easier for the rest of us.  Jared and Jon-Daniel are deeply conscious of the situation.

“Life will be horrible without Mommy” Jared said today.  “She takes so much of our time, and such a big space in our lives….  Mommy has such a presence Oumie…”

We spoke about his little brother and Jon-Daniel’s inability and aversion to discuss his emotions.

I realised that the boys are already starting to dread the void Vic’s passing will leave.  Anticipatory grief is a killer.  It is unfair that these two beautiful boys have to experience so much pain and hardship in their young lives.  They should be riding their bikes and getting up to mischief.  Now they are stressed out because their mother is dying.

I am too tired to write anything that makes sense.  I just need to record today.  I never want to forget today.

I want to remember how I felt when I lay with my child this afternoon.  I want to remember her tears when she spoke to her sister.  I want to remember the smell of her vomit.  Maybe it will make it easier to accept later on.

What Will Matter – Michael Josephson


My beautiful baby girl
My beautiful baby girl

Ready or not, someday it will all come to an end.

There will be no more sunrises, no minutes, hours or days.
All things you collected, whether treasured or forgotten, will pass to someone else.
 
Your wealth, fame and temporal power will shrivel to irrelevance.
Your grudges, resentments, frustrations and jealousies will finally disappear.
So too your hopes, ambitions, plans, and to-do lists will expire.
 
The wins and losses that once seemed so important will fade away.
It won’t matter where you came from, or on what side of the tracks you lived, at the end.
 
It won’t matter whether you where beautiful or brilliant.
Even your gender and skin colour will be irrelevant.
 
So what will matter? How will the value of your days be measured?
 
What will matter is not what you bought, but what you built;
Not what you got, but how you gave.
 
What will matter is not your success, but your significance.
What will matter is not what you learned, but what you taught.
 
What will matter is every act of integrity, compassion, courage or sacrifice that enriched, empowered or encouraged others to emulate your example.
 
What will matter is not your competence, but your character.
What will matter is not how many people you knew, but how many will feel a lasting loss when you’re gone.
 
What will matter are not your memories, but the memories that live in those who loved you.
What will matter is how long you will be remembered, by whom and for what.
 
Living a life that matters doesn’t happen by accident.
It’s not a matter of circumstance but of choice.
 
Choose to live a life that matters.
What Will Matter – Michael Josephson
 

the weight in my bones.


Photo Credit: http://bike-pgh.org/bbpress/topic/why-isnt-there-a-bridge-pedal-pittsburgh

This beautiful poem was posted by Aarthi –  http://sickocean.wordpress.com   on 24SaturdayNov 2012.  Aarthi is an exceptional poet who often moves me to tears.  Thank you Aarthi for sharing your amazing talent with us.  I encourage everyone to visit Aarthi’s blog.  It is filled with so much raw emotion.  

The Weight In My Bones

like bridges made
of concrete ropes

ripping through my existence
keeping me earthly bound

so sturdy yet unchangeable a part
i am all heavy with matter contained

i try and bend yet
the break never happens

like a deeper strength holding me
pain prevents a shattering noise

the water in me weighs more
than what gives me a shape

this will is fragile
and a regret pulls me down

purposes unsolved
promises broken

a thousand images shattered
everything that i never said

all remains in unwalked places
the pores in my soul

each window was blocked
in persistent steps, in days and years and decades

leaving all weight like
ashes of a past trapped

so diseased i feel at times
lifeless like a fallen twig

and the feeling weighs me deep
deeper than skin and all the soft human matter

i feel it in my bones
like i am bond to a mountainous stone

so welded inside with a belief
perhaps i may never be able to sleep