by Kim Knapp
The mention of my child’s name
May bring tears to my eyes,
But it never fails to bring
Music to my ears.
If you are really my friend,
Let me hear the beautiful music of her name.
It soothes my broken heart
And sings to my soul.
~~~~author unknown
http://www.thefuneralsite.com/ResourceCenters/Poetry_and_Quotes/Children.html
Monday 7.1.2013 was a crazy day. Vic was not in a good space.
Angela, Vic’s BFF came to visit. She is not only beautiful but also a calm and serene person. She radiates goodness. Angela being here gives me some time because I really trust her. I am able to get some essential chores done knowing that she is keeping an eye on Vic.
“Gramps was here” Vic said.
“How is he?” I asked
“I don’t know. He just came to tell me how much he loves us all…” Vic replied
My Dad forgot how to breathe on the 15th of May 2011. He died in our home (in the very same room as Vic) surrounded by his beloved family. At times he was a stranger in the world. Some days he woke up in a room he could not remember from one nap to the next, lived with “strangers” and thought I was my Mom. Despite the advanced Alzheimer’s, he never forgot who Vic was and that she was ill. At times he forgot whether she was in hospital or out but he never forgot her or that she was ill.
“He has come to take you by your hand Sweetie…” I said
“I KNOW Mommy” she said impatiently.
Lee, Jared’s BFF mom popped around with a huge basket of exquisite flowers. Of course, Vic immediately got a bee in her bonnet and had to get out of bed. Always the social animal!
Esther arrived and Vic burst into tears when she saw her sister.
“I am so scared Sis” Vic cried in her sisters arms.
Esther has become Vic’s “coach”. She has the love for Vic to ask her what is holding her back; she tells Vic to run towards the light; to let go – the boys are safe are cared for. She holds Vic and dries her tears….
Danie took the boys for a haircut and new school uniforms.
In the afternoon Joanna, one the Jon-Daniel’s primary school friends’ Mom, popped in for a visit. It was touching when she spoke with Vic and apologized for coming to visit too late. Vic was sleeping and not aware of the visit. Joanna left with tears streaming down her cheeks. She left a little gift for Vic
“I wrote your name in the sand But the waves blew it away Then I wrote it in the sky But the wind blew it away So I wrote it in my heart And that’s where it will stay.”Siza arrived and told me that Sue would be in tomorrow morning to assess Vic. She said Vic’s colour is very poor and the circulation in her legs bad. Siza is of the opinion that the most humane thing to do for Vic would be to sedate her… Her body is building up so much adrenalin fighting death that it is preventing her from dying – despite the organ failure.
I am torn. My poor child’s anguish and pain sears through every nerve ending in my body. Not only mine but also the rest of the family’s…..I want the emotional side of her journey to end. But when I think that I will never hear her voice again, that I will never hear her cry and plead again… I want to die. Sedation can end her emotional anguish, but deprive us of last words.
When I walked into Vic’s room after Sr Siza left Vic said “I just saw Dries. He came to visit. I have thought of him the whole day….”
Dries is a dear family friend who died last year…
In the evening Judy (Dries’ widow) popped around for a visit. When I told her that Vic had seen Dries she burst into tears. She said, her sister Lida, a deeply religious woman, told her earlier in the day that she had dreamt of Dries and that Dries was going to come and “fetch” Vic…
I pointed out to Judy that Dries, who was a tour guide by profession, would take Vic on the scenic route…
We laughed.
Later in the evening Bella, one of the ministers in my Church, and James, the senior elder, came to visit. Bella, a dear friend over the years, spoke to the boys with so much compassion. He grew up in a home with a mother who was ill. He said that the congregation has never stopped praying for us as a family. He said the congregation carries us in their hearts. (One day I will still blog about Bella and his amazing ability to “pray Vic out of the claws of death”…)
We all stood holding hands around Vic’s bed whilst Bella said a beautiful prayer for Vic and the family. Someone stifled a little sob. There was absolute peace and a Godly presence in Vic’s room.
Related posts:
Rest in peace dear friend https://tersiaburger.com/2012/08/07/rest-in-peace-dear-friend-7-8-2012/
For some dying is hard work https://tersiaburger.com/2012/07/18/487/
Vic is very restless and agitated. Hospice says that at this stage they normally sedate the patients to make the passing easier. It would be a wonderful solution. Vic’s mind is mostly crystal clear and busier than ever. She continuously asks for photos to be taken, not necessarily of herself but of the boys, her friends and family. Last night I actually said to her (after her insisting on photos being taken of me – on my own) “Sweetie, you cannot take your cell phone to heaven with you.”
“Oh…” she said. “Why not? I think I will…”
We laughed.
In her desperate attempts to cling to life she is trying to capture images on her phone…I do know that she is imbedding the images on her heart and she will take the images of her loved ones with her.
Last night was very difficult. The Pethidine makes her hyper. She fights sleep at night! Vic is scared she will close her eyes and never open them again.
Vic clung to Danie’s hands when he came to say goodnight. “Don’t leave me Daddy! Please don’t leave me!!! I am so scared!” Poor Danie was totally distraught!
“I am so tired” Vic cries and seconds later she will try and get out of bed, so she can stay awake!
In the early hours of the morning I was exhausted when I eventually got inpatient with Vic and told her to get into bed. She looked at me and said “I sometimes think you love me to death but other times I think you hate me…”
I know she is confused at times. I will not allow these words to haunt me later. She “sees” people. She babbles non-stop.
The weight is falling off her. Her trembling fingers are bony, almost skeleton like. Her eyes are sunken and reflect her pain and anguish. My poor baby is starving to death! She has absolutely no appetite. I don’t know when last she was hungry or able to eat.
Esther and Leon came to visit today. Esther was very emotional when she saw Vic. I know she said her goodbyes today. I could see that they had spoken to their boys. Both Henk and Yuri kissed Vic whilst she was sleeping.
Jared asked me today why I don’t sedate Vic. I explained to him that she refuses to be sedated. “I think it will be better for Mom to sleep all the time now Oumie. It is too hard for her now and she is too scared…Ask Sr Siza to give her some sedation…”
Oh Lord how do I make this easier for my family? How do I spare the boys the pain of seeing their mother dying bit by bit? Do I send them to their father and have them hate me for it or do I subject them to the horror of what’s happening?
I wish Vic was in a hospital where the decisions weren’t mine. But I promised Vic “no more hospitals”. I will never go back on my word.
I am babbling.
Vic is very restless and agitated. Hospice says that at this stage they normally sedate the patients to make the passing easier. It would be a wonderful solution. Vic’s mind is mostly crystal clear and busier than ever. She continuously asks for photos to be taken, not necessarily of herself but of the boys, her friends and family. Last night I actually said to her (after her insisting on photos being taken of me – on my own) “Sweetie, you cannot take your cell phone to heaven with you.”
“Oh…” she said. “Why not? I think I will…”
We laughed.
In her desperate attempts to cling to life she is trying to capture images on her phone…I do know that she is imbedding the images on her heart and she will take the images of her loved ones with her.
Last night was very difficult. The Pethidine makes her hyper. She fights sleep at night! Vic is scared she will close her eyes and never open them again.
Vic clung to Danie’s hands when he came to say goodnight. “Don’t leave me Daddy! Please don’t leave me!!! I am so scared!” Poor Danie was totally distraught!
“I am so tired” Vic cries and seconds later she will try to get out of bed so she can stay awake!
In the early hours of the morning I was exhausted when I eventually got inpatient with Vic and told her to get into bed. She looked at me and said “I sometimes think you love me to death but other times I think you hate me…”
I know she is confused at times. I will not allow these words to haunt me later. She “sees” people. She babbles non-stop.
The weight is falling off her. Her trembling fingers are bony, almost skeleton like. Her eyes are sunken and reflect her pain and anguish. My poor baby is starving to death! She has absolutely no appetite. I don’t know when last she was hungry or able to eat.
Esther and Leon came to visit today. Esther was very emotional when she saw Vic. I know she said her goodbyes today. I could see that they had spoken to their boys. Both Henk and Yuri kissed Vic whilst she was sleeping.
Jared asked me today why I don’t sedate Vic. I explained to him that she refuses to be sedated. “I think it will be better for Mom to sleep all the time now Oumie. It is too hard for her now and she is too scared…Ask Sr Siza to give her some sedation…”
Oh Lord how do I make this easier for my family? How do I spare the boys the pain of seeing their mother dying bit by bit? Do I send them to their father and have them hate me for it or do I subject them to the horror of what’s happening?
I wish Vic was in a hospital where the decisions weren’t mine. But I promised Vic “no more hospitals”. I will never go back on my word.
I am babbling.
” Sometimes the pain’s too strong to bear…and life gets so hard you just don’t care. You feel so alone you just sit and cry…every second you wish you could die.”
January 2013. Today was a special day.
Yesterday Vic asked me to contact her minister. Chris arrived at our home at 9.30am. We all sat in Vic’s room whilst Chris read Psalm 23 and prayed for Vic who was walking through the “valley of death.” She prayed for Vic to find peace and acceptance of her situation.
Chris then served Holy Communion. Vic, at first, did not want Jon-Daniel to partake in the Communion. Chris explained that a child having to be confirmed before they are allowed to partake in Communion is a man-made rule. I pointed out to Vic that it would be very special if Jon-Daniel could have his first Communion with her… Vic agreed.
It was so special.
I was filled with deep gratitude that we as a family have the opportunity of making memories every day. Today I am particularly grateful that Jon-Daniel will always carry the memory of his first Holy Communion with him. Even if his mom does not attend his confirmation he will remember that he took his first Holy Communion with her.
For the first time in a long time I was grateful for Vic lingering death. I am grateful that Jared had the opportunity to tell her that she is a legend and that she will always live on in so many people’s minds and hearts. That Stepping Stone Hospice is her legacy….
Dying isn’t a science. There is no methodical process of coming to terms with death. The reality of what is busy happening to Vic is frightening and overwhelming. Earlier this week, when I gave one of the boys permission to go out, Vic said “See Mommy, this is why I cannot die. I don’t know if you will be strict enough with the boys…”
Vic is desperately clinging to life. Vic is afraid of losing control of her bodily functions and becoming a burden to us. Vic is afraid of the act of dying.
The rest of us are scared because we want her suffering to end. We know we will experience terrible guilt afterwards… Even as I am typing I KNOW I will second guess everything I did for Vic and every decision I ever made regarding her medical care. This is just the way it is…
Angela and Tracey visited today. The visits are so exhausting for Vic and yet she did not want them to leave. Every time they say “I must go…” Vic will pout and say “just stay a little longer…”
The weight is just falling off Vic. She managed to keep in a mug of diet “Cup of Soup”. Small mercies!
Lelani picked up the new morphine script from Dr Sue. She made imprints of the boys’ hands for Vic… She massaged Vic’s little feet. Jon-Daniel and I swam and Jared went with his girlfriend and her parents to a day resort. Danie picked up the script from the pharmacy and washed his own motorbike. (First time in 15 years….he always has it done!)
A normal day in the life of a family walking through the valley of death…I don’t want to forget any part of it.
Vic is rapidly deteriorating. Last night the nausea was absolutely relentless. With no food in her stomach Vic vomited blood. Old blood and new blood….. Her vitals are very unstable and I thought that she would not survive the night. I cried and slept in her bed with her.
Today Sr Siza tried to put up an IV drip. Vic has absolutely no veins left that are suitable for a drip. The sub-cutaneous driver is back up. At this stage of the game the risk of cellulitis is less than the need for pain and symptom control. We will reposition the subcutaneous driver as and when we need to.
Dr Sue has prescribed Cyklokapron. “Tranexamic acid (commonly marketed in tablet form as Lysteda and in IV form as Cyklokapron in the U.S. and Australia and asTransamin,Transcam in Asia, and Espercil in South America. Also marketed as TRAXYL (Nuvista Pharma) in Bangladesh,Cyclo-F and Femstrual in UK.) is a synthetic derivative of the amino acid lysine. It is used to treat or prevent excessive blood loss during surgery and in various other medical conditions. It is an antifibrinolytic that competitively inhibits the activation of plasminogen to plasmin, by binding to specific sites of both plasminogen and plasmin, a molecule responsible for the degradation of fibrin. Fibrin is a protein that forms the framework of blood clots. It has roughly eight times the antifibrinolytic activity of an older analogue, ε-aminocaproic acid.” http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Tranexamic_acid
She suggested that Vic be admitted to hospital. Vic refused.
On the 1st of January 2013 Stepping Stone Hospice and Palliative Care started operating. It is pretty ironic that Vic may well be our first death.
But then again, tomorrow may be better than yesterday….Today was better than last night.
Vic lost the Christmas gift she bought Esther. It is not the first time this has happened – Vic previously bought Esther a “Sister” fridge magnet and mislaid it somewhere…
Vic has spent a lot of time sorting out some last things – double checking her insurance policies, photo albums, writing cards for the boys to be read on the first Christmas, first anniversary, final school exam… She has been going tick, tick, tick…Oops Outstanding item: Esther’s gift!
I have searched the house and not found the sentimental nick-nacks Vic bought Esther for Christmas. I have driven around and looked for replacement gifts, but to no avail. So yesterday Vic said to Esther “Sis, I have to replace your Christmas gift… I cannot move on before I do that…Mommy is taking me to Eastgate tomorrow. I know I will find it there.”
Esther, who has a superb sense of humour, said “I won’t let you die before I get my present…What time are we leaving tomorrow?”
Early this morning Vic was dressed and ready for the excursion. At about 11am we set off shopping (after a hefty pain and nausea injection…) At the second shop we struck gold! (I actually found the gift she was looking for.) Vic had the salesperson wrap it with Christmas gift wrap. She is a stickler for “attention to detail”
Mission accomplished we went to a restaurant for lunch. As usual Vic agonised over the menu. She wanted a salmon dish with cream cheese – No salmon…. Arghhh! She settled for a sandwich and coffee.
The gift Vic bought was a Willow Tree figurine set of two girls holding hands. “Just like we lay and chatted last night Sis…”
Sisters by Heart
Celebrating a treasured friendship of sharing and understanding
Vic and Esther are step sisters. There is no blood bond, but they are bound by their deep love for one another. Esther has been an absolute pillar of strength to Vic and the rest of the family. Daily Esther sends Vic beautiful text messages. She brings Vic flowers from her garden. She lies next to Vic and listens to her babbling. Esther is the sister Vic never had.
Needless to say, Vic did not handle her lunch well and after a visit to the toilet we left. I could see her heart beating like crazy in her neck. People looked at us as far as we walked. I realized with a shock that it is because Vic obviously looks ill and shuffles like an old person. I look at her and I only see a beautiful young woman; my baby girl and the mother of my grandsons.
Vic is having a strange day… Her blood pressure is all over; her heart races and then slows down.
“Something is wrong mommy.”
This evening Vic double checked with me whether I remembered which hymns had to be sung at her memorial service. She cried when she (again) named her pallbearers. “Please don’t let me lie in a refrigerator for a long time Mommy…Let them cremate me as quickly as possible”
Vic asked that I get her minister to come and administer Holy Communion to her this week.
The whole situation is so surreal. I find it impossible to believe that Vic may actually be dying. She is so beautiful and her mind is crystal clear! I think Vic is just caught up in the Hospice talk. Maybe I am in denial. She has not vomited blood for two days. That is a good sign. Google says her heart rate can go up to 250 and Vic’s HR is only at 120 and occasionally at 155.
Oh dear God please grant my child peace. Please grant us all peace.
Celebrating a treasured friendship of sharing and understanding
I hardly received any 2013 New Year’s wishes. Normally I would receive so many beautiful wishes but this year I received messages for a” peaceful New Year’s Eve filled with laughter and good memories…”
Last night my sister said in a text message “what tears do 2013 hold for you? Maybe it should stay 2012”…
Jared went a friend’s home; Danie went to bed early – he is coming down with flu; Vic was asleep so that left Jon-Daniel and I. We watched Comedy Central and had some good laughs waiting for 2012 to end.
Jon-Daniel loves making his Mommy laugh. In a way I suppose he uses humour as a coping mechanism.
“I think we should wake Mom up at 12” I said
“Okay…Let’s sing Happy Birthday to Mom….” He said with a twinkle in his eyes.
As the hooters and sirens started going Jon-Daniel and I sneaked into Vic’s room and sang “Happy Birthday to you…” Vic opened her eyes and said “What is happening?” and immediately fell asleep again.
The joke was on us.
Today was a quiet day. The boys spend some wonderful quality time with their Mom. Danie remained in bed until almost 4pm as he is feeling lousy from the flu. We all drifted in and out Vic’s room. In the afternoon Jared went for a swim. Vic went outside and spoke to him.
Jared had some questions and she patiently explained to him what an “Executor’s” duties are. She explained why Leon and I were the Executors of her will and the Trustees of their Trust. (I got some lovely photos of Vic chatting to the boys!) Vic tried to show Jared that she could whistle through an acorn… Jon-Daniel taught her! As much as she tried she could not get a sound out of the acorn. To everybody’s laughter she said “But I can do it!”
We convinced her that she should get onto the inflated lilo. The cold water would reduce her body temperature and the sun would be good for the jaundice. Very reluctantly she got onto the “non- life-saving inflatable device”. I got into the pool with Vic.
Esther and Yuri arrived and she made a dash for her camera… later Leon and Henk arrived. The boys swam and laughed and played…
It was a wonderful day filled with glorious memories. We laughed and joked and eventually ate. Esther lay with Vic and they spoke about where Vic was in her journey.
It was a special day.
I think friends and family don’t know what to wish us…How do you say “Happy New Year” to a household where death is knocking on the door? I would not know what to say to us if I wasn’t me…
But from our home to yours: We wish you a great 2013. We hope that 2013 is filled with laughter, good health, abundance and time to do some good every day. We thank you for your love and support. Thank you for your prayers and words of encouragement. You have been such an amazing source of comfort to us.
Thank you Hospice for giving us the means to have these special memories! Thank you to the manufacturers of Morphine, Pethidine, Stemitil and Buscopan…
Sue came in this morning and managed to find a vein. The vein held for the Perfalgan and she also managed to get a bag of saline into Vic. This will hopefully rehydrate her. It has been a rough 24 hours with so much vomiting. The poor child…
We hooked the saline onto a hanger and it now hangs from her ceiling. Leon, SiL, put a hook into her ceiling and we have suspended the drip from it. I have to keep the drip flowing until 12pm tonight when I can run another lot of Perfalgan. Tomorrow Sue will try to find another vein.
I suggested that Vic is mainlined or a stent is fitted. Sue agreed that it would certainly make life a lot easier. It would be easier to administer all Vic’s IV medication. Vic said “Sorry Mommy, no hospitals…”
Her heart rate, even whilst she is sleeping, is constantly above 110.
The IV medication immediately helped. Vic’s breathing is better. Vic has not vomited since 11 am this morning! She even managed to have a bit to eat tonight.
When Sue left today she asked me what is holding Vic back. Medically and clinically speaking there is no explanation why Vic is still alive…. She said that she has never seen anybody fight death the way Vic does… She asked me whether we have given Vic permission to die…
Sue says that Vic still says we are going to Italy next year…. Her kidneys and liver have failed. That is what the blood tests show.
What is holding Vic back? Sue says death happens when one relaxes completely and deeply! Vic’s adrenaline levels are preventing her from relaxing and dying.
All I want is for my little girl to find peace and her suffering to end.
Esther and Leon brought dinner tonight and just visited. Vic even got out of bed for a while and had a laugh. It was great being surrounded by the love of the family.
I wish I knew what to do to make Vic accept the inevitable. I wish with every fibre of my body Vic will find peace. That she will find the strength to let go…
Vic has been ill for such a long time. Maybe she just thinks this is how life is. Maybe she cannot remember what it is like to feel good, go out, be carefree, move without pain. To play with her kids, go out for drinks or a movie with a friend.
On Christmas Eve Siza said to Vic “I read in the Bible that Heaven is a great place”….
Here On Earth …, There In Heaven…
Here on earth imperfection, there in heaven perfection
Here on earth discontent, there in heaven content
Here on earth disgrace, there in heaven grace
Here on earth disease, there in heaven ease
Here on earth hatred, there in heaven love
Here on earth war, there in heaven peace
Here on earth decay, there in heaven freshness
Here on earth selfish, there in heaven selfless
Here on earth oppression, there in heaven liberty
Here on earth agonize, there in heaven relax
It’s either on earth, or in heaven
The decision, all yours
Obed Akuma
Baby Girl it is time for Heaven… You have to let go!
Today was an horrible day. Dr Sue spent a lot of time with Vic. Siza (Hospice Nurse) was here too.
Vic’s BP is elevated and her heart rate fluctuates between 115 and 120. Her breathing is laboured. She appears to be a little jaundiced. Sue says the vomiting is due to the kidney failure.
Tomorrow we will try and run some Perfalgan intravenously. If only her veins were strong enough to tolerate an IV drip…
I am scared.
On the 26th of December 1996 Jared Colin Sadie was born. He was a beautiful, healthy baby boy. I cried with joy when I first saw him and that first “rush of love” hit me.
Vic fell pregnant 6 weeks after she got married. When the kids asked us whether they could get married I had a LONG talk to them about NOT having babies. They both said “We know…” I explained the dangers of passing the Osteogenesis gene onto a next generation of innocent children.
I will never forget that dreadful Sunday night when they told us that Vic was pregnant. My heart stopped. I sobbed in the shower. For the first time in her life I feared for Vic’s life.
Vicky refused flat out to have an abortion. She said the baby a gift from God. And so he was….
Jared is an amazing young man. According to our government he is now old enough to vote, get his learners licence for a motor bike and work… I look at him and I see a little boy who was going to be a stuntman; a young child helping his Mommy cook; get out of bed; walk down stairs…
Both Jared and Jon-Daniel are loving, compassionate monuments of Vic love and mothering.
Jared is a “computer nerd” with a wonderful personality. He has a keen sense of humour and wise beyond his years. He is fiercely protective of his mother. A very dear Saudi friend of mine says Jared has a “white heart”. (Albak Abyad” an Egyptian expression that indicates a person with a good heart. It’s literal translation to English is “You have a white heart” as opposed to being a bad person with a black heart).
Vic, once again, managed to get out of bed. She was falling asleep in her chair, but managed to visit with most of the guests who came, ate something and left. Laughter and joy reverberated through the house. Vic was the proud mother. It was a happy home for the day…
The boys have a hard time coming to terms with the stage that Vic’s illness is at. Jared’s first words when he comes back into the house after Siza leaves is “What did Hospice say?”. He researches every symptom and sends me links on liver and renal failure. He is an expert on Osteogenesis Imperfecta and was 9 years old when he spoke about his Mommy at a Public Speaking lesson at school. The subject was “My Hero“. We all expected him to speak of Nelson Mandela, but he chose to speak about his Mom. (His brother followed suit two years later)
He said that his mom is his hero because despite the fact that she is so ill she still looks after them…
Jared had a wonderful 16th birthday. He was absolutely thrilled with the Docking Station Vic had bought for him. As soon as he gets his license we will buy him a motorbike.
Yesterday was a milestone in Vic’s life. I fear it may be the last she will reach. It is clear that Italy will not be possible.
I was so tired last night that I slept through Vic’s 23:31 and 03:00 “Vomiting” text messages…. Vic refuses to use the intercom! She feels it is “disrespectful”.
As much as Vic resents the fact I may have to bring in a night nurse.
I remember Vic’s 16th as if it was yesterday. Now she is a grown woman with two teenage sons – nearing the end of her tenure on earth
https://tersiaburger.com/2012/08/27/kidney-stones-on-the-move/
https://tersiaburger.com/2012/10/10/i-am-taking-a-break-from-your-blog/ https://tersiaburger.com/2012/07/07/chronic-illness-versus-terminal-illness/ https://tersiaburger.com/2012/05/28/22-2-2002-to-28-5-2012/ https://tersiaburger.com/2012/06/09/9-6-2012/ https://tersiaburger.com/2012/10/16/and-the-winner-is/
December 24, 2012 by Dr Bill
“I salute you. I am your friend, and my love for you goes deep.
There is nothing I can give you which you have not. But there is much,
very much, that, while I cannot give it, you can take. No heaven can
come to us unless our hearts find rest in it today. Take heaven!
No peace lies in the future which is not hidden in this present little instant.
Take peace! The gloom of the world is but a shadow. Behind it, yet within
our reach, is joy. There is radiance and glory in darkness, could we but see.
And to see, we have only to look. I beseech you to look!
Life is so generous a giver. But we, judging its gifts by their covering,
cast them away as ugly or heavy or hard. Remove the covering, and you
will find beneath it a living splendor, woven of love by wisdom, with power.
Welcome it, grasp it, and you touch the angel’s hand that brings it to you.
Everything we call a trial, a sorrow or a duty, believe me, that angel’s hand is there.
The gift is there and the wonder of an overshadowing presence. Your joys, too,
be not content with them as joys. They, too, conceal diviner gifts.
Life is so full of meaning and purpose, so full of beauty beneath its covering,
that you will find earth but cloaks your heaven. Courage then to claim it; that is all!
But courage you have, and the knowledge that we are pilgrims together,
wending through unknown country home.
And so, at this time, I greet you, not quite as the world sends greetings,
but with profound esteem and with the prayer that for you, now and
forever, the day breaks and shadows flee away.”
~ Fra Giovanni
It is Christmas. It is a warm, and sunny-day, and my heart is cold.
This is our last Christmas as a complete family.
Vic has been vomiting non-stop. The acid has burnt the inside of her mouth. Her derriere is so lumpy, black and blue from the constant injections. Sr Siza popped in. She examined Vic and started drawing up a Clopamon and Morphine injection.
“Please Sister, not my bum. Please do it on my thigh.”
Vic no longer has an appetite. She is sleeping at least 20 out of 24 hours. Vic is very warm to the touch and appears flushed. The thermometer reflects a temperature of 37 degrees C.
“Do you understand what your body is telling you Vic?” Siza asked
Vic nodded and whispered “I do not want to die…”
“Nobody wants to die, Vicky. We all will walk this path. Some sooner than others… You have a degenerative illness and your body is tired…”
“You must surrender your body to God. It is time for your brain to make peace with what is happening in your body.” Siza said. “Where is your Bible?”
Siza read from Ecclesiastes 3 – New International Version (NIV)
3 There is a time for everything,
and a season for every activity under the heavens:2 a time to be born and a time to die,
a time to plant and a time to uproot,
3 a time to kill and a time to heal,
a time to tear down and a time to build,
4 a time to weep and a time to laugh,
a time to mourn and a time to dance,
5 a time to scatter stones and a time to gather them,
a time to embrace and a time to refrain from embracing,
6 a time to search and a time to give up,
a time to keep and a time to throw away,
7 a time to tear and a time to mend,
a time to be silent and a time to speak,
8 a time to love and a time to hate,
a time for war and a time for peace.
Siza prayed for Vic and the family for peace and grace in this time. Vic cried and Danie gently held her.
Danie, and I walked with Siza. Her eyes were sad when she said “Her body is shutting down. It could be quick or it could be a few weeks.”
The rest of Christmas Eve passed as if I was in a daze. Lani and the kids arrived, my dear friend Judy arrived after a marathon charity event and the smell of gammon and roast lamb permeated the house. The tables looked festive and there were tons of gifts under the tree.
Vic handed out the gifts. The kids shrieked with delight. A lot of thought went into the gifts. The gifts were truly gifts of love.
3 There is a time for everything,
and a season for every activity under the heavens:
a time to be born and a time to die,
Today has been a very, very bad day. Sr Siza was here when Vic had a violent vomiting spell. Yesterday Vic fractured a vertebra again. Her pain is out of control. Her breathing was shallow.
“I don’t want Jon-Daniel to see me now Mommy. It freaks him out when I can’t breathe” Vic pleaded
I lay behind her back, gently holding her whilst the tears wracked through her little body.
“I don’t want to die Mommy. If only I can live for another year….. But I am so tired!” Vic softly cried
“Do you think we will be able to do Italy Mommy?” she asked after a long silence
“I hope so Baby. I think we must take the boys with us…” I replied
“Oh Mommy, can we? We don’t have to go for a long time…” Vic said
We lay quietly for a while. Vic trying to breathe through her nausea and pain and I contemplating how I am going to pull off this Italy thing… Just imagine flying with a caseload of injections and a litre of morphine syrup…
“Mommy, I don’t care what you do with my ashes… It was so hard putting my father’s ashes into that wall of remembrance! Are you going to be okay Mommy?” Vic cried
My heart stopped. This was so out of the blue… “You will always be with me. I will not put you into any wall” I said
“I will be your guardian angel.” Vic said
“I know but remember I will need some privacy… “I said
“Don’t worry Mommy! I will make sure my father doesn’t peep as well” Vic laughed through her tears
“I am scared Mommy…”
“I am scared too Vic…”
Many years ago we started a project, where on Christmas Day, we would feed the under privileged. The first year we fed approximately 300 people. The last year (2008) that we ran the project, we fed 1500 people on Christmas Day. We had three feeding points in different squatter camps and we also handed out little gifts of face cloths, soap, toothpaste and tooth brushes at a TB Clinic.
My late father, who suffered from Alzheimers, came to live with us in 2009, and since then I have not had the time, energy or finances to continue running the project. The community has however started running a similar project, and they now fundraise themselves. For many years I cooked up to 50 turkeys, made salad and cooked rice… (I cannot handle the smell of turkey and my husband becomes nauseous when he has to carve turkey…) I suppose we are all turkeyed out….
“You can give without loving, but you cannot love without giving.” ― Amy Wilson-Carmichael
We also visited the TB Clinic and gave the children in the Pediatric Section gifts. Young Elizabeth, an 11 year old girl, died two weeks later. She never let go of her Christmas Teddy Bear…
“Presents are made for the pleasure of who gives them, not the merits of who receives them.”
― Carlos Ruiz Zafón, The Shadow of the Wind
“Give yourself entirely to those around you. Be generous with your blessings. A kind gesture can reach a wound that only compassion can heal.”
― Steve Maraboli, Life, the Truth, and Being Free
When my dad came to live with us I had to stop many of my community projects. It broke my heart but I knew that it was my “family’s time” In the words of Mother THeresa – “Let us make one point, that we meet each other with a smile, when it is difficult to smile. Smile at each other, make time for each other in your family.”
2012 will be a Christmas of making time for my family.
A couple of days ago Vic wistfully said “This is my last Christmas Mommy” I hope she is well enough to have a Christmas that her boys will treasure and remember for the rest of their lives. This may well be our last Christmas.
“It’s not how much we give but how much love we put into giving.” ― Mother Teresa
Vic's Final Journey 