Vic – Page 5 – Vic's Final Journey

“I’ll meet you at the end of the earth”

I am systematically packing up Vic’s belongings. It has been a humongous job! Vic was a squirrel – she hoarded! I have discarded hundreds of old VCR tapes….thousands of photos and many hundreds of cards. The “Good luck with exam cards” were totally wasted on Vic – I came across her school reports again…; get better cards, I love you cards and thank you for your friendship cards from her school friends; lots and lots of Valentine cards… The one card that got to me was a card that read:-

“To My Daughter

So many times

When you were a child,

I looked upon your

Sleeping face

And wondered

What kind of woman

You’d grow up to be?”

Then on the inside of the card it reads “You grew up as wonderful as I imagined” Today I can categorically state that was not true. Vic grew up to be a far more wonderful person than I could ever have imagined. Vic was kind and generous. Vic always smiled. Vic loved unconditionally and never judged. Vic was devoid of bitterness and hate. She never spoke unkind words. Her bravery goes without saying… Vic is the bravest person I know. Vic always said “I am fine thank you…” The shrillness of the “fine” was the “stress-indicator” of how ill she was.

The cards her school friends wrote were to thank her for her friendship and support. Gia wrote on the 26^th of March – year unknown: “This is just a short note to say thanks for all your help, attention, help and love while I’ve been under the weather…” On the 28^th of October 1991 Tatum wrote “You’re a great friend and I am dreading this time next year when we all have to say goodbye. Thank you for being you and putting up with me…” Monique wrote “Thanx for everything. You know what everything is.” One of the Vicky’s wrote “as friends we have walked together sharing joy, laughter and tears. Though time may pass and things may change, I’m sure you’ll agree, That one thing always stays the same…each other’s loyalty” Mouse wrote “Vicks thank you for willingly giving help – be it a smile or a thoughtful thought – It may go unnoticed but it is appreciated” Gia ended most of her notes, cards and letters with “I’ll meet you at the end of the earth”

I truly felt like a grave robber going through Vic’s private correspondence. I cannot keep it all – there is just too much and I did not want to discard her whole life. So I have made a memory box of all her school dance invitations and photos, her friends’ notes, some boyfriends’ letters and her theatre season tickets. I have added some of the hundreds of cards I sent her over the years. Yes…Vic kept them all!!!!

How can I just wipe out her lifetimes memories? Vic treasured these items and I will keep it safely for her grandchildren to see one day… This memory box is her memory box. A tribute by her friends… It was an experience to “see” Vic in high school. Vic insisted on going to boarding school in High School, and she was accepted at one of the most prestigious girl schools in South Africa. Vic LOVED the freedom and camaraderie of boarding school. She got up to a lot of mischief! I have now personally seen the photos of what the girls got up too… But I am so glad.

I have come to realise that I never truly allowed Vic to grow up. I was an over protective mother and quite honestly maybe even a little overbearing. Vic always remained a child. Albeit a mature child and an old soul but never the less a child. From the day my beautiful baby girl was born I knew I had to protect her from the world. She was too tiny and beautiful for this horrible world we live in. Now my beautiful baby girl is safe from pain, hurt and the ugliness of the world.

Old habits die hard….

Today we had our first real family get together after Vic’s memorial service. It was Esther’s birthday on the 20^th of February.

I was uncertain about how the boys and I would handle it. It was our first family get together without Vic.

I was amazed at how much less time the cooking and baking took….not because there was one person less to cook for, but because there was no interruptions….I was always up and down the passage checking on Vic, helping her go to the bathroom, giving her meds or injections, cleaning up vomit… Sometimes I would check on her and we would just end up chatting or watching Cake Boss….

Vic always tried to help…poor little poppet! She would ask over and over again “How can I help Mommy?” If the truth be known she only got in my way but I loved the “us” time… Sometimes I would ask her to add the cheese to the cheese sauce whilst I stirred… She would take great pleasure in telling everyone that we baked or cooked….

Jared and I went off to Driving School this morning. I would get home just in time for the boys to set the tables under the trees in the garden and for me to finish off the meal.

Everyone arrived and the house was filled with happy, excited voices and the sound of children running around. It was a perfect summer day. For the first time in a long time lunch was ready, not a single dish burnt or spoilt…. My grandchildren are ALL fussy eaters. For once they ate all their food and went back for seconds and even thirds…

Esther told us that Yuri (6 years old), my youngest grandson, had a show and tell at school. He spoke about his family. He showed the class a photo of his mom, dad and brother. He also showed them a camping photo of him and his daddy. He told his class he was so lucky to have three grans and two granddads… His “gran number 3 is cool because she builds armoured vehicles and gives him lots of sweets”. I am gran number 3….He showed his class a photo of Vic and told them that she was his “beloved” aunt Vic who is already in Heaven with Jesus… Apparently the class of pre-schoolers all appropriately “ooh-ed and Aaah-ed”…

I cried a quiet tear.

Kari and Simone individually came up and hugged me. “How are you Ouma?” they asked with real concern…All the grandchildren are sleeping over tonight. The house is alive with their youthful enthusiasm and energy.

It was a lovely day and a wonderful evening. I missed Vic so much – at times I walked away because I had teared up again… It will always be great to be with loved ones, but it has changed forever.

There was an extra setting at the table and an empty seat….The boys unthinkingly set a place for their mom….Old habits die-hard!

I missed you so much my Angle Child!!

“Live like you were dying” – Tim McGraw

I read this post today – http://daysnet.wordpress.com/2013/02/03/we-need-to-step-back-and-just-breathe/ I always remember the Tim McGraw song

“LIVE LIKE YOU WERE DYING”

He said “I was in my early forties
With a lot of life before me
And a moment came that stopped me on a dime
I spent most of the next days
Looking at the x-rays
Talkin’ ’bout the options
And talkin’ ’bout sweet time”
I asked him
“When it sank in
That this might really be the real end
How’s it hit you
When you get that kind of news?
Man, what’d you do?”

He said
“I went skydiving
I went Rocky Mountain climbing
I went 2.7 seconds on a bull named Fu Man Chu
And I loved deeper
And I spoke sweeter
And I gave forgiveness I’d been denying”
And he said
“Someday I hope you get the chance
To live like you were dying”
He said
“I was finally the husband
That most of the time I wasn’t
And I became a friend a friend would like to have
And all of a sudden going fishin’
Wasn’t such an imposition

And I went three times that year I lost my dad
I finally read the Good Book, and I
Took a good, long, hard look
At what I’d do if I could do it all again

It dawned on me that we have been luckier than most. We have lived as if Vic was dying all our lives. We lived every second. Vic lived every second. Only the last week of her life she went into dying mode. Only once she was sedated did she succumb to dying. The rest of her life she lived; we lived her life. Every single birthday we celebrated Vic’s life.

We have a family tradition, (which the kids hate), of having eulogy speeches on everyone’s birthday. So on our birthdays we would go around the table and everyone gets to say something nice of the birthday boy/girl… We call it our “Living Eulogy”… So often we only speak well of the dead. We treat the living with contempt and disregard; we do not acknowledge their achievements and goodness…We are so focussed on success. Success by our own terms!

I am grateful for our family tradition and I will not allow it to die off… I am grateful Vic knew how much we revered her….

Vic did not have a career or a degree, fame or fortune. Yet she has touched thousands of people’s lives worldwide and will continue to do so through Stepping Stone Hospice. I am grateful that she heard how much we loved and respected her. The most common words were “You are the bravest person I know…”

Vic was an amazing mother. She loved and nurtured her boys. I wonder whether they ever witnessed her tears of pain when she cooked for them or made their lunch for school…. I did.

We will continue to honour Vic’s life through our actions and words.

now and forever

Today at times I felt as if I was suffocating. It felt as if the grief had grabbed me by the throat and was strangling life out of me. My heart physically ached.

In the infamous words of Queen Elizabeth 11 “Grief is the price we pay for love.”

Vic was an only child. I spent the first 16 years of her life dedicated to Vic and only Vic. Vic’s dad and I separated early in our marriage. Even in the years that we were married he studied part-time and only got home from University after 10 at night. Weekends – well that was busy…

When Vic was 16 I married Danie. He became her dad and she embraced the fact that she now had siblings. Danie loved Vic with the same pure unconditional love that she had for her boys. Vic admired, respected and loved Danie for the wonderful dad that he was to her.

Tonight I cannot help but think and remember all the love and nurturing that went into Vic’s life, caring for her, raising her, nursing her when she was sick and taking her to the doctors, teaching her all the things she needed to know to keep her safe in this crazy world, teaching her the art of shopping, watching her get married, fall pregnant – twice, survive 81 abdominal surgeries, fighting for her life every single day. I loved the mother that Vic was. Caring and nurturing.

Tonight I remember Vic’s trademark – getting dressed in clothes every day before the boys came home from school, waking up to see them off to school every morning, arranging a party if she had one ounce of strength left! Vic appreciated seeing the light of day, getting out of bed, seeing the faces of her children. Every day she breathed was a day that mattered to her. Every day she used to make memories with her sons, family and friends.

Every day was one more than she had the day before.

She loved driving her little car. (Vic was a terrible driver!). Vic was the take-out queen. She LOVED take-outs! The last meal she ate was a bit of a Steers hamburger….

Vic was a good, honest, compassionate, caring person who loved loyally and deeply! She was strong-willed and fought for what she wanted. She did not tolerate disloyalty in any form.

Vic toured Egypt in a wheelchair and with a cane! Her biggest wish was to attend Jon-Daniel’s honours evening (4 days before she died) and to travel to Italy.

Vic was brave! She NEVER complained. She accepted that pain was part of her life; that being ill was her life. She seldom questioned the cards she was dealt. She accepted her life stoically.

I KNOW how hard it was for Vic to get out of bed. I know how easy it would have been for her to curl up and die very early in her life. She held on to life until the bitter end because giving up was not an option!

I thought I was well prepared for this period in my life. I prayed so long that God would release her tortured little body from the hell she lived every day. I spent years waiting and wondering how it will be. I have been told that I, of all people, should have been prepared for her death. After all I lived with my child’s terminal diagnosis for 10 years.

The short and the tall of the matter is that there is no way to be prepared. Researching the stages of death, the grieving process and even preparing her memorial service’s PowerPoint Presentation, in anticipation, could not prepare me for the pain that struck the second that my child died..

When I heard Vic’s breathing change I knew she was going. I knew that within minutes my child would be dead… Yet in the end, her death was still a terrible shock to me. How did it happen so quickly?

How do I go on?

Just as there are only some people we can really talk to about our children while they are alive, it seems that there are only a few people we can talk to about them once they have died.

When you lose a child you lose so much more that you may have been prepared to lose. I have lost my identity as a mom. I am no longer a Mommy. I may be a back-up mom to four wonderful young people who love me dearly, unconditionally and deeply but I am no longer a “real Mommy”. Mother’s Day will come and go…The four kids will celebrate the women who gave birth to them. The boys will not have a mom to buy a gift for and I will not have a child to wish me. I do know everyone will try very hard to make it easier for me. But Vic will not be here to wish me a happy Mother’s Day.

I have a hole in my heart. My heart physically aches. I want to die.

Tonight, 21 days after my baby girl’s death I remember a love and bond that was beyond description. I will continue to breathe; I will honour my promises to my child; I will bring up her beautiful boys; I will cherish her memories; I will grieve for my child. She was worthy of my love – she is worthy of my tears.

Sweetie I love you now and forever.

Owkay mommy I will….

The boys and I visiting Vic in hospital last year.

It has been a day filled with back to back meetings. I coped well (I think) and managed to focus. It was strange not checking my phone every couple of minutes to see whether Vic is okay or not.

I sent the boys’ text messages early evening as the meetings continued into the night.

Me to Jared: “Hi baby – you okay?”

Jared: “Hey Oumie. I’m okay thanks and you?”

Me: “Missing you”

Jared: “Missing you too Oumie. This house feels empty”

Me: “Will phone later just in a meeting”

Jared: “Owkay Oumie”

Me: “Sleep tight angel! Pse wake me so I can see you tomorrow”

Jared “Owkay mommy I will!!! Love you!!! Missing you too Oumie”

Breathe in, breath out, breathe in, breathe out…. I could not look up. I was petrified that that my colleagues would see the tears that formed in my eyes.

These poor boys! They are stoic in their grief. They carry on bravely at school and with all their extramural activities. They are so young to have gone through so much pain and loss. They lost their childhoods to Osteogenesis Imperfecta and doctor error; they have watched their mother suffer horrific pain, lose her dignity…Yet they witnessed their incredibly beautiful mother fight every second of her life to stay alive… She showered them with love and taught them independence. She was strict and her favourite words to them was “I am your Mother not your excuse”

The boys are brave like their warrior mother! A credit to her!

I wish I could wipe the pain from their hearts and memories. There is however no Ketamine Infusion for emotional pain, only for physical pain. I wish I could protect them for pain and loss but I cannot. I must continue with the phenomenal work their mother started in their upbringing. I must help them to continue growing and individuals on this path Vic put them on…

I miss my child more than I ever thought I would. I honestly thought, because of the extended “Anticipatory Grief” period, that we went through, the grief would be less after Vic’s death. That anticipatory grief is however NOTHING compared to the pain we are experiencing 17 days after Vic’s death. I don’t know whether I will ever get used to this void in my heart.

Will I ever be able to breathe without pain again? Will I ever sleep again? Will I ever laugh spontaneously with joy again?

I actually just don’t want to live with this pain…..

Never gone away…

I have received countless beautiful messages of encouragement, love, compassion and caring on my blog. Vic read my blog every day. The last couple of blogs I deleted because even I could read the despair in my words. Vic was in emotional anguish. She kept saying “Mommy, I don’t want to die”” or “Mommy, I am so scared”. She would wake up and cry with fear…

I have not replied to all the messages, but will systematically work my way through it. I did read the messages of encouragement and support to Vic. Right up until the end…. Vic loved the support we received.

It may come as a shock, but I am actually a very private person and allow very few people close to me. Through my blog people have come close to me, reached out and touched my hand and heart and I thank you for it! Vic often said she wanted to write and thank you all for your love and support. Sadly she never got to do it.

Over the past 8 months I have laughed and cried with you as you have laughed and cried with me. Some of you have written Vic beautiful poems and others have dedicated songs.

Thank you so much for your loving concern. For allowing us to enter your lives; for your encouragement and support. I shall continue to blog our survival journey.

Judy Unger http://myjourneysinsight.com/2013/01/28/never-gone-away/ has on a regular basis written me encouraging emails and shared her beautiful songs with us. I would like to share this special lady’s one email with you.

Jan 22, 2013

Hi Tersia,

I am continuing to write to you. You have entered the awful hole. You are now a member of the bereaved mother’s club. No one wants to join this club.

I read your post. The numbness is very bizarre. What purpose is there left to living – where did she go? I remember it all.

I continue to compose and sing. I was stunned when I wrote and recorded my new song “Angel in the Sky” just two weeks ago. Never has such a beautiful song come out of the sky to bless me. It is many years along for me – so I can sing about my angel with sweetness and without pain. I dream of when that time will come for you. For now, close your eyes and think of Angelic Vicky holding you tight.”

This is Judy’s latest song that she dedicated to her son who died 18 years ago. It is crystal clear that 18 years down the line Judy still mourns her son… I know in another 18 years I will still be mourning my baby girl’s passing. Thank you dear Judy for sharing your beautiful song with us.

NEVER GONE AWAY

I know that soon you will leave me

how will I ever say goodbye?

there’s so much you’ve left me

I’ll try hard not to cry

and when you’ve left you’ll still be with me

in all the songs I’ll long to play

every time I see a smile

you’ll have never gone away

It always seems to me, that whenever I was down

your hand was the one holding mine

but your fingers I’ll let go of now; how I long to hold on

you’ll touch so many others when you’re gone

I know that soon you will leave me

how will I ever say goodbye?

there’s so much you’ve left me

I’ll try hard not to cry

when you’ve left you’ll still be with me

in all the songs I’ll long to play

every time I see a smile

you’ll have never gone away

Sometimes I will stop and wonder

you’ll know what I am feeling

I’ll hear your laughter in my mind

I’ll remember all our special moments

They’ll run by with a tear

You’ll leave, but in my heart, you’re still here

And I know that soon you will leave me

how will I ever say goodbye?

there’s so much you’ve left me

I’ll try hard not to cry

when you’ve left you’ll still be with me

in all the songs I’ll long to play

every time I see a smile

you’ll have never gone away

http://myjourneysinsight.com/2013/01/28/never-gone-away/

–

Jan. 23, 2013

Hi Tersia,

Tersia, what can I say? I read your post. It is unbearable. There are no words. I think every bereaved parent suffers the helplessness of being unable to save his or her baby. Vic is your baby. The horror of her ending will eventually fade, but your opera has begun.

The amputation of a soul – there are no words for it. You will emerge from the fog, you will get through this – and you have already been through so much already. You had goodbyes – something that many bereaved parents long for. But with the goodbyes came god-awful suffering and trauma. How can you let go of that?

I think of the lyrics from my “Angel” song – “My lovely light – just not in sight.” Vic will always light your way now. She is not in sight – but that doesn’t mean she isn’t with you.

I know Vic is with me. I still smell her, sense her presence and find notes of love everywhere. Vic will always be the light of my life. I love and miss you Angel Child!!!

Vic has left home for the last time…

My beautiful Vic sleeping peacefully 10.1.2013.

For a long time after Vic had breathed her last breath I lay next to her. I touched her face and hugged her close to me. Something I could not do in life as I may have fractured a bone or two. Everybody left me alone with Vic. I was so grateful for that precious time with my angel child.

I washed Vic and dressed her in her favourite pyjamas. It was so difficult trying to dress her limp body. Although I knew it did not matter anymore I was scared I would hurt her. Years of conditioning I suppose. I was shocked to see that a large part of her body had already discoloured. Her right hand shoulder, her back and the top of her legs were black and blue. When I washed her little body at 7am that morning, a mere 3.5 hours earlier, only her little toes had started discolouring… Her back was still so warm from the fever that had racked her body. Her hands, feet and face were cold to the touch.

I brushed her beautiful hair.

Then I realised that the boys could not come home until Vic had been “removed”. I phoned Siza to pronounce Vic and the undertakers and requested that they send their people to come and fetch my child. I lay with her for a further 30 minutes. I held her tight and cried for her. I just wanted to die.

Siza, arrived…. She was so matter of fact about Vic’s passing. She put cotton wool in my child’s mouth because Vic’s jaw had relaxed! I wish I never saw that!

Just before 1pm the undertakers arrived. I was torn. I did not want her to go but I could see that her beautiful soul had left her body. It was no longer my beautiful baby girl who lay in that bed. In death Vic looked like a stranger… yet I felt that if Vic left that room she would forever be gone. Strange…..

The undertakers walked into Vic’s room. They were so smartly dressed in dark suits, white shirts and red ties.

They hugged me and said “When you are ready… We can wait”.

I remember thinking “I look so ugly when I cry. These strangers can see me cry!”. I nodded and they wheeled in a gurney type “bed”.

They meticulously folded up the outer cover to reveal a plastic sheet. They lowered the gurney to the same level as Vic’s bed and took her from my arms…

Someone said “Be careful. She breaks bones easily…”

They lay Vic on this horrible plastic sheet and covered her in it. I wanted to die. I still want to die just thinking of it. My beautiful baby girl, who only deserved Egyptian cotton, wrapped in hard plastic!! They quickly replaced the cover and zipped it close. I think my sobs were driving them mad.

Vic looked so tiny on that darn gurney! Tiny and dead!!

Minutes after one my baby girl left home for the last time. Never again would she grace us with her presence. Never again would she shuffle down the passage, never again would we hear her laughter or her cries of pain.

Vic left home – forever.

“It is close”…

Tuesday 22.1.2013 – Tonight is the first night in a long time that I lay on my sofa, in my own TV lounge, watching Law & Order. I kept listening for the sound of Vic’s little feet shuffling down the passage…It is the first time since Vic’s death that I truly experienced the “emptiness” of the house.

The house has been so busy. In the days preceding Vic’s death the boys went to stay with friends and family. Vic’s suffering was too horrible for them to witness. I did not want them to remember life ebbing out of her. On the 15^th my brother arrived from the coast and my sister from a neighbouring city. I was in such a dazed stupor that I don’t remember them arriving. I fell asleep next to Vic with my head next to hers, and my hand on her heart whilst the minister was saying a prayer….

On Wednesday the 16th Leeann started staying with me. Danie, my brother, Lee-Ann and I took turns on Thursday night staying awake with Vic. The time still passed in an absolute maze of unreality. I knew on the 16^th that Vic would die by the weekend.

Vic was still able to communicate with her eyes. She blinked when I asked her a question and her answer were “yes”.

Thursday Dr Sue came to see Vic.

“It is close” Sue said.

Murky red urine dripped into the catheter bag…. Vic’s eyes no longer closed completely… Her eyes had “broken”… she was gasping for breath.

“We must increase the Buscopan” Sue said.

“I think I have heard a rattling sound once or twice” I said

“Yes” Sue said. “I can hear it clearly through the stethoscope”

Sue increased the pain medication as well as the sedation.

We decided to let the boys come and say their goodbyes… Someone, I am not sure who, went and fetched the boys from school. The boys walked into their Mom’s room. Their eyes wide and sad. They lay with her and whispered soft words into her ears. They softly kissed her and walked away. It must of been the hardest thing they had ever done.

I send Danie out to go find me a new blood pressure measure that fits around the wrist and would not hurt her little arms every time I took her blood pressure. (Sue had one…) I became almost obsessive in trying to ascertain where she was in her journey. Vic was very unstable – within minutes her blood pressure went from 150/123 to LO (too low to measure) on the machine. Her pulse was racing at 160 beats a minute.

I lay next to her with my hand on her heart. Her little heart was pounding against the palm of my hand. Vic was fighting with every fibre in her body to stay alive. I looked at my child and thought “If I have her admitted to the Donald Gordon ICU they may be able to save her…” but then I realized that it was futile. Vic was slipping away and nobody could do anything in the world to change that. Vic was dying and I was helpless. I could not save my child.

dead woman walking

Last night I had a discussion with someone who Vic loves very dearly. This friend of Vic has spent endless hours, days, weeks and months in hospital with Vic. She is actually the only person that has truly travelled this horrific journey with us. Vic has lived through many death sentences and reprieves. Lee has been around for at least the past 7 years of Vic’s journey. Vic has nursed Vic back to health many times and I know she cares deeply for Vic, her friend.

I discussed the various treatment options with her. Do I insist on having a stent fitted or do I request feeding tubes? Or do I go with Vic’s non-intervention wish? But if I comply how do I bring calmness and peace in Vic’s life? Vic is no exception to the rule…As Bella pointed out last night even Jesus of NAZARETH feared death….Fearing death is as natural as breathing is to us.

Last night I decided no sedation. If I allow sedation, which is against her wishes, I will silence Vic’s voice, her fears and her tears.

Dr Sue says the bleeding is from the abdomen. Her Oesophagus, throat and mouth are covered in a mass of sores from all the vomiting. Her breathing is shallow and her heart rate weak but very rapid. Her blood pressure is dropping and her circulation is poor. The liver is very enlarged.

We are past the point of no return. Vicky is dying and only a miracle can save her. There is no operation, no magic medication, and no nothing that can save her.

Today I again witnessed her anguish and phenomenal will to live. I saw Vic, in my mind’s eye, Vic being escorted, in deadly silence down a long dark passage. Her family and friends were escorting her on her final walk into the chamber of death. I clearly saw the fear in her eyes and I could feel her little body trembling with fear. I heard a voice saying “Dead woman walking…”

I saw her walk into an execution room, being strapped down and the needle being inserted into her little arm. I was the head warden and my eyes were flitting between the clock and a telephone…Would there be another reprieve??

It is so cruel. For all of us. Why do people linger? Why don’t we all just go to sleep and never wake up? Or die in a car accident? Why this suffering??? I want to go to sleep and never wake up. Life sucks!

Vic is on a mild sedation. She is more calm and peaceful than she has been for a couple of weeks. She woke up this evening and had dinner…half a hamburger!! My little take-away queen!! She only vomited at 11.30 pm so she managed to actually keep down the food. She has passed no urine today.

She sobbed when I told her the boys had covered their school books…”I want to do it for them!” She wailed

“I have let down my boys. I always cover their books…”

“Oh Jared, look! Oupa Tienie is standing behind you…” It really spooked the boys. Tienie died on the 5^th of November 1999…

I wish Vic was married. I wish her biological father was still alive! I wish the decision was not mine!!!

Tomorrow I will ask that the sedation be increased. I will silence my child’s sweet voice. I will also silence her tears and fears.

“Dead woman walking…”

Gramps was here…..

Monday 7.1.2013 was a crazy day. Vic was not in a good space.

Angela, Vic’s BFF came to visit. She is not only beautiful but also a calm and serene person. She radiates goodness. Angela being here gives me some time because I really trust her. I am able to get some essential chores done knowing that she is keeping an eye on Vic.

“Gramps was here” Vic said.

“How is he?” I asked

“I don’t know. He just came to tell me how much he loves us all…” Vic replied

My Dad forgot how to breathe on the 15^th of May 2011. He died in our home (in the very same room as Vic) surrounded by his beloved family. At times he was a stranger in the world. Some days he woke up in a room he could not remember from one nap to the next, lived with “strangers” and thought I was my Mom. Despite the advanced Alzheimer’s, he never forgot who Vic was and that she was ill. At times he forgot whether she was in hospital or out but he never forgot her or that she was ill.

“He has come to take you by your hand Sweetie…” I said

“I KNOW Mommy” she said impatiently.

Lee, Jared’s BFF mom popped around with a huge basket of exquisite flowers. Of course, Vic immediately got a bee in her bonnet and had to get out of bed. Always the social animal!

Esther arrived and Vic burst into tears when she saw her sister.

“I am so scared Sis” Vic cried in her sisters arms.

Esther has become Vic’s “coach”. She has the love for Vic to ask her what is holding her back; she tells Vic to run towards the light; to let go – the boys are safe are cared for. She holds Vic and dries her tears….

Danie took the boys for a haircut and new school uniforms.

In the afternoon Joanna, one the Jon-Daniel’s primary school friends’ Mom, popped in for a visit. It was touching when she spoke with Vic and apologized for coming to visit too late. Vic was sleeping and not aware of the visit. Joanna left with tears streaming down her cheeks. She left a little gift for Vic

“I wrote your name in the sand

But the waves blew it away

Then I wrote it in the sky

But the wind blew it away

So I wrote it in my heart

And that’s where it will stay.”

Siza arrived and told me that Sue would be in tomorrow morning to assess Vic. She said Vic’s colour is very poor and the circulation in her legs bad. Siza is of the opinion that the most humane thing to do for Vic would be to sedate her… Her body is building up so much adrenalin fighting death that it is preventing her from dying – despite the organ failure.

I am torn. My poor child’s anguish and pain sears through every nerve ending in my body. Not only mine but also the rest of the family’s…..I want the emotional side of her journey to end. But when I think that I will never hear her voice again, that I will never hear her cry and plead again… I want to die. Sedation can end her emotional anguish, but deprive us of last words.

When I walked into Vic’s room after Sr Siza left Vic said “I just saw Dries. He came to visit. I have thought of him the whole day….”

Dries is a dear family friend who died last year…

In the evening Judy (Dries’ widow) popped around for a visit. When I told her that Vic had seen Dries she burst into tears. She said, her sister Lida, a deeply religious woman, told her earlier in the day that she had dreamt of Dries and that Dries was going to come and “fetch” Vic…

I pointed out to Judy that Dries, who was a tour guide by profession, would take Vic on the scenic route…

We laughed.

Later in the evening Bella, one of the ministers in my Church, and James, the senior elder, came to visit. Bella, a dear friend over the years, spoke to the boys with so much compassion. He grew up in a home with a mother who was ill. He said that the congregation has never stopped praying for us as a family. He said the congregation carries us in their hearts. (One day I will still blog about Bella and his amazing ability to “pray Vic out of the claws of death”…)

We all stood holding hands around Vic’s bed whilst Bella said a beautiful prayer for Vic and the family. Someone stifled a little sob. There was absolute peace and a Godly presence in Vic’s room.

Rest in peace dear friend https://tersiaburger.com/2012/08/07/rest-in-peace-dear-friend-7-8-2012/

For some dying is hard work https://tersiaburger.com/2012/07/18/487/

Quiet waters of peace

Vic is very restless and agitated. Hospice says that at this stage they normally sedate the patients to make the passing easier. It would be a wonderful solution. Vic’s mind is mostly crystal clear and busier than ever. She continuously asks for photos to be taken, not necessarily of herself but of the boys, her friends and family. Last night I actually said to her (after her insisting on photos being taken of me – on my own) “Sweetie, you cannot take your cell phone to heaven with you.”

“Oh…” she said. “Why not? I think I will…”

We laughed.

In her desperate attempts to cling to life she is trying to capture images on her phone…I do know that she is imbedding the images on her heart and she will take the images of her loved ones with her.

Last night was very difficult. The Pethidine makes her hyper. She fights sleep at night! Vic is scared she will close her eyes and never open them again.

Vic clung to Danie’s hands when he came to say goodnight. “Don’t leave me Daddy! Please don’t leave me!!! I am so scared!” Poor Danie was totally distraught!

“I am so tired” Vic cries and seconds later she will try and get out of bed, so she can stay awake!

In the early hours of the morning I was exhausted when I eventually got inpatient with Vic and told her to get into bed. She looked at me and said “I sometimes think you love me to death but other times I think you hate me…”

I know she is confused at times. I will not allow these words to haunt me later. She “sees” people. She babbles non-stop.

The weight is falling off her. Her trembling fingers are bony, almost skeleton like. Her eyes are sunken and reflect her pain and anguish. My poor baby is starving to death! She has absolutely no appetite. I don’t know when last she was hungry or able to eat.

Esther and Leon came to visit today. Esther was very emotional when she saw Vic. I know she said her goodbyes today. I could see that they had spoken to their boys. Both Henk and Yuri kissed Vic whilst she was sleeping.

Jared asked me today why I don’t sedate Vic. I explained to him that she refuses to be sedated. “I think it will be better for Mom to sleep all the time now Oumie. It is too hard for her now and she is too scared…Ask Sr Siza to give her some sedation…”

Oh Lord how do I make this easier for my family? How do I spare the boys the pain of seeing their mother dying bit by bit? Do I send them to their father and have them hate me for it or do I subject them to the horror of what’s happening?

I wish Vic was in a hospital where the decisions weren’t mine. But I promised Vic “no more hospitals”. I will never go back on my word.

I am babbling.

“Oh…” she said. “Why not? I think I will…”

We laughed.

Last night was very difficult. The Pethidine makes her hyper. She fights sleep at night! Vic is scared she will close her eyes and never open them again.

Vic clung to Danie’s hands when he came to say goodnight. “Don’t leave me Daddy! Please don’t leave me!!! I am so scared!” Poor Danie was totally distraught!

“I am so tired” Vic cries and seconds later she will try to get out of bed so she can stay awake!

I know she is confused at times. I will not allow these words to haunt me later. She “sees” people. She babbles non-stop.

I wish Vic was in a hospital where the decisions weren’t mine. But I promised Vic “no more hospitals”. I will never go back on my word.

I am babbling.

” Sometimes the pain’s too strong to bear…and life gets so hard you just don’t care. You feel so alone you just sit and cry…every second you wish you could die.”

“Sisters by Heart”

Vic lost the Christmas gift she bought Esther. It is not the first time this has happened – Vic previously bought Esther a “Sister” fridge magnet and mislaid it somewhere…

Vic has spent a lot of time sorting out some last things – double checking her insurance policies, photo albums, writing cards for the boys to be read on the first Christmas, first anniversary, final school exam… She has been going tick, tick, tick…Oops Outstanding item: Esther’s gift!

I have searched the house and not found the sentimental nick-nacks Vic bought Esther for Christmas. I have driven around and looked for replacement gifts, but to no avail. So yesterday Vic said to Esther “Sis, I have to replace your Christmas gift… I cannot move on before I do that…Mommy is taking me to Eastgate tomorrow. I know I will find it there.”

Esther, who has a superb sense of humour, said “I won’t let you die before I get my present…What time are we leaving tomorrow?”

Early this morning Vic was dressed and ready for the excursion. At about 11am we set off shopping (after a hefty pain and nausea injection…) At the second shop we struck gold! (I actually found the gift she was looking for.) Vic had the salesperson wrap it with Christmas gift wrap. She is a stickler for “attention to detail”

Mission accomplished we went to a restaurant for lunch. As usual Vic agonised over the menu. She wanted a salmon dish with cream cheese – No salmon…. Arghhh! She settled for a sandwich and coffee.

The gift Vic bought was a Willow Tree figurine set of two girls holding hands. “Just like we lay and chatted last night Sis…”

Sisters by Heart

Celebrating a treasured friendship of sharing and understanding

“I’m very close to my sisters, and the friendship and support of other women has always enriched my life. I also realize that there are friends or other relatives that may not be blood sisters, but share this same type of closeness.”

Vic and Esther are step sisters. There is no blood bond, but they are bound by their deep love for one another. Esther has been an absolute pillar of strength to Vic and the rest of the family. Daily Esther sends Vic beautiful text messages. She brings Vic flowers from her garden. She lies next to Vic and listens to her babbling. Esther is the sister Vic never had.

Needless to say, Vic did not handle her lunch well and after a visit to the toilet we left. I could see her heart beating like crazy in her neck. People looked at us as far as we walked. I realized with a shock that it is because Vic obviously looks ill and shuffles like an old person. I look at her and I only see a beautiful young woman; my baby girl and the mother of my grandsons.

Vic is having a strange day… Her blood pressure is all over; her heart races and then slows down.

“Something is wrong mommy.”

This evening Vic double checked with me whether I remembered which hymns had to be sung at her memorial service. She cried when she (again) named her pallbearers. “Please don’t let me lie in a refrigerator for a long time Mommy…Let them cremate me as quickly as possible”

Vic asked that I get her minister to come and administer Holy Communion to her this week.

The whole situation is so surreal. I find it impossible to believe that Vic may actually be dying. She is so beautiful and her mind is crystal clear! I think Vic is just caught up in the Hospice talk. Maybe I am in denial. She has not vomited blood for two days. That is a good sign. Google says her heart rate can go up to 250 and Vic’s HR is only at 120 and occasionally at 155.

Oh dear God please grant my child peace. Please grant us all peace.

Celebrating a treasured friendship of sharing and understanding

Happy birthday to you…

I hardly received any 2013 New Year’s wishes. Normally I would receive so many beautiful wishes but this year I received messages for a” peaceful New Year’s Eve filled with laughter and good memories…”

Last night my sister said in a text message “what tears do 2013 hold for you? Maybe it should stay 2012”…

Jared went a friend’s home; Danie went to bed early – he is coming down with flu; Vic was asleep so that left Jon-Daniel and I. We watched Comedy Central and had some good laughs waiting for 2012 to end.

Jon-Daniel loves making his Mommy laugh. In a way I suppose he uses humour as a coping mechanism.

“I think we should wake Mom up at 12” I said

“Okay…Let’s sing Happy Birthday to Mom….” He said with a twinkle in his eyes.

As the hooters and sirens started going Jon-Daniel and I sneaked into Vic’s room and sang “Happy Birthday to you…” Vic opened her eyes and said “What is happening?” and immediately fell asleep again.

The joke was on us.

Today was a quiet day. The boys spend some wonderful quality time with their Mom. Danie remained in bed until almost 4pm as he is feeling lousy from the flu. We all drifted in and out Vic’s room. In the afternoon Jared went for a swim. Vic went outside and spoke to him.

Jared had some questions and she patiently explained to him what an “Executor’s” duties are. She explained why Leon and I were the Executors of her will and the Trustees of their Trust. (I got some lovely photos of Vic chatting to the boys!) Vic tried to show Jared that she could whistle through an acorn… Jon-Daniel taught her! As much as she tried she could not get a sound out of the acorn. To everybody’s laughter she said “But I can do it!”

We convinced her that she should get onto the inflated lilo. The cold water would reduce her body temperature and the sun would be good for the jaundice. Very reluctantly she got onto the “non- life-saving inflatable device”. I got into the pool with Vic.

Esther and Yuri arrived and she made a dash for her camera… later Leon and Henk arrived. The boys swam and laughed and played…

It was a wonderful day filled with glorious memories. We laughed and joked and eventually ate. Esther lay with Vic and they spoke about where Vic was in her journey.

It was a special day.

I think friends and family don’t know what to wish us…How do you say “Happy New Year” to a household where death is knocking on the door? I would not know what to say to us if I wasn’t me…

But from our home to yours: We wish you a great 2013. We hope that 2013 is filled with laughter, good health, abundance and time to do some good every day. We thank you for your love and support. Thank you for your prayers and words of encouragement. You have been such an amazing source of comfort to us.

Thank you Hospice for giving us the means to have these special memories! Thank you to the manufacturers of Morphine, Pethidine, Stemitil and Buscopan…

Jon-Daniel teaching his Mom to whistle through an acorn... — Jon-Daniel teaching his Mom to whistle through an acorn…

Vic trying to whistle through an acorn... — Vic trying to whistle through an acorn…

Hi Sis, you know I love you.... — Hi Sis, you know I love you….

I read in the Bible that Heaven is a great place…”

Dr Sue putting up the drip. "If we knew you were going to take a photo we would of had our hair done..." — Dr Sue putting up the drip. “If we knew you were going to take photos we would have our hair done…”

Sue came in this morning and managed to find a vein. The vein held for the Perfalgan and she also managed to get a bag of saline into Vic. This will hopefully rehydrate her. It has been a rough 24 hours with so much vomiting. The poor child…

We hooked the saline onto a hanger and it now hangs from her ceiling. Leon, SiL, put a hook into her ceiling and we have suspended the drip from it. I have to keep the drip flowing until 12pm tonight when I can run another lot of Perfalgan. Tomorrow Sue will try to find another vein.

I suggested that Vic is mainlined or a stent is fitted. Sue agreed that it would certainly make life a lot easier. It would be easier to administer all Vic’s IV medication. Vic said “Sorry Mommy, no hospitals…”

Vic's drip suspended from the ceiling — Vic’s drip suspended from the ceiling

Her heart rate, even whilst she is sleeping, is constantly above 110.

The IV medication immediately helped. Vic’s breathing is better. Vic has not vomited since 11 am this morning! She even managed to have a bit to eat tonight.

When Sue left today she asked me what is holding Vic back. Medically and clinically speaking there is no explanation why Vic is still alive…. She said that she has never seen anybody fight death the way Vic does… She asked me whether we have given Vic permission to die…

Sue says that Vic still says we are going to Italy next year…. Her kidneys and liver have failed. That is what the blood tests show.

What is holding Vic back? Sue says death happens when one relaxes completely and deeply! Vic’s adrenaline levels are preventing her from relaxing and dying.

All I want is for my little girl to find peace and her suffering to end.

Esther and Leon brought dinner tonight and just visited. Vic even got out of bed for a while and had a laugh. It was great being surrounded by the love of the family.

I wish I knew what to do to make Vic accept the inevitable. I wish with every fibre of my body Vic will find peace. That she will find the strength to let go…

Vic has been ill for such a long time. Maybe she just thinks this is how life is. Maybe she cannot remember what it is like to feel good, go out, be carefree, move without pain. To play with her kids, go out for drinks or a movie with a friend.

On Christmas Eve Siza said to Vic “I read in the Bible that Heaven is a great place”….

Here On Earth …, There In Heaven…

Here on earth imperfection, there in heaven perfection
Here on earth discontent, there in heaven content
Here on earth disgrace, there in heaven grace
Here on earth disease, there in heaven ease
Here on earth hatred, there in heaven love
Here on earth war, there in heaven peace
Here on earth decay, there in heaven freshness
Here on earth selfish, there in heaven selfless
Here on earth oppression, there in heaven liberty
Here on earth agonize, there in heaven relax
It’s either on earth, or in heaven
The decision, all yours

Obed Akuma

Baby Girl it is time for Heaven… You have to let go!

Sweet 16

On the 26th of December 1996 Jared Colin Sadie was born. He was a beautiful, healthy baby boy. I cried with joy when I first saw him and that first “rush of love” hit me.

Vic fell pregnant 6 weeks after she got married. When the kids asked us whether they could get married I had a LONG talk to them about NOT having babies. They both said “We know…” I explained the dangers of passing the Osteogenesis gene onto a next generation of innocent children.

I will never forget that dreadful Sunday night when they told us that Vic was pregnant. My heart stopped. I sobbed in the shower. For the first time in her life I feared for Vic’s life.

Vicky refused flat out to have an abortion. She said the baby a gift from God. And so he was….

Jared is an amazing young man. According to our government he is now old enough to vote, get his learners licence for a motor bike and work… I look at him and I see a little boy who was going to be a stuntman; a young child helping his Mommy cook; get out of bed; walk down stairs…

Both Jared and Jon-Daniel are loving, compassionate monuments of Vic love and mothering.

Jared is a “computer nerd” with a wonderful personality. He has a keen sense of humour and wise beyond his years. He is fiercely protective of his mother. A very dear Saudi friend of mine says Jared has a “white heart”. (Albak Abyad” an Egyptian expression that indicates a person with a good heart. It’s literal translation to English is “You have a white heart” as opposed to being a bad person with a black heart).

Vic, once again, managed to get out of bed. She was falling asleep in her chair, but managed to visit with most of the guests who came, ate something and left. Laughter and joy reverberated through the house. Vic was the proud mother. It was a happy home for the day…

The boys have a hard time coming to terms with the stage that Vic’s illness is at. Jared’s first words when he comes back into the house after Siza leaves is “What did Hospice say?”. He researches every symptom and sends me links on liver and renal failure. He is an expert on Osteogenesis Imperfecta and was 9 years old when he spoke about his Mommy at a Public Speaking lesson at school. The subject was “My Hero“. We all expected him to speak of Nelson Mandela, but he chose to speak about his Mom. (His brother followed suit two years later)

He said that his mom is his hero because despite the fact that she is so ill she still looks after them…

Jared and his Mommy

Jared had a wonderful 16th birthday. He was absolutely thrilled with the Docking Station Vic had bought for him. As soon as he gets his license we will buy him a motorbike.

She ain't heavy - she is my mother — She ain’t heavy – she is my mother

Yesterday was a milestone in Vic’s life. I fear it may be the last she will reach. It is clear that Italy will not be possible.

I was so tired last night that I slept through Vic’s 23:31 and 03:00 “Vomiting” text messages…. Vic refuses to use the intercom! She feels it is “disrespectful”.

As much as Vic resents the fact I may have to bring in a night nurse.

I remember Vic’s 16th as if it was yesterday. Now she is a grown woman with two teenage sons – nearing the end of her tenure on earth

https://tersiaburger.com/2012/08/27/kidney-stones-on-the-move/

https://tersiaburger.com/2012/10/10/i-am-taking-a-break-from-your-blog/

https://tersiaburger.com/2012/07/07/chronic-illness-versus-terminal-illness/

https://tersiaburger.com/2012/05/28/22-2-2002-to-28-5-2012/

https://tersiaburger.com/2012/06/09/9-6-2012/

https://tersiaburger.com/2012/10/16/and-the-winner-is/

Share this:

Share this:

Share this:

Share this:

Share this:

Share this:

Share this:

Share this:

Share this:

Share this:

Share this:

Share this:

Share this:

Share this:

Share this: