I read in the Bible that Heaven is a great place…”


Dr Sue putting up the drip. "If we knew you were going to take a photo we would of had our hair done..."
Dr Sue putting up the drip.  “If we knew you were going to take photos we would have our hair done…”

Sue came in this morning and managed to find a vein.  The vein held for the Perfalgan and she also managed to get a bag of saline into Vic.  This will hopefully rehydrate her.  It has been a rough 24 hours with so much vomiting.  The poor child…

We hooked the saline onto a hanger and it now hangs from her ceiling.  Leon, SiL, put a hook into her ceiling and we have suspended the drip from it.  I have to keep the drip flowing until 12pm tonight when I can run another lot of Perfalgan.  Tomorrow Sue will try to find another vein.

I suggested that Vic is mainlined or a stent is fitted.  Sue agreed that it would certainly make life a lot easier.  It would be easier to administer all Vic’s IV medication.  Vic said “Sorry Mommy, no hospitals…”

Vic's drip suspended from the ceiling
Vic’s drip suspended from the ceiling

Her heart rate, even whilst she is sleeping, is constantly above 110.

The IV medication immediately helped.  Vic’s breathing is better.  Vic has not vomited since 11 am this morning!  She even managed to have a bit to eat tonight.

When Sue left today she asked me what is holding Vic back.  Medically and clinically speaking there is no explanation why Vic is still alive…. She said that she has never seen anybody fight death the way Vic does… She asked me whether we have given Vic permission to die…

Sue says that Vic still says we are going to Italy next year…. Her kidneys and liver have failed.  That is what the blood tests show.

What is holding Vic back?  Sue says death happens when one relaxes completely and deeply!  Vic’s adrenaline levels are preventing her from relaxing and dying.

All I want is for my little girl to find peace and her suffering to end.

Esther and Leon brought dinner tonight and just visited.  Vic even got out of bed for a while and had a laugh.  It was great being surrounded by the love of the family.

I wish I knew what to do to make Vic accept the inevitable.  I wish with every fibre of my body Vic will find peace.   That she will find the strength to let go…

Vic has been ill for such a long time.  Maybe she just thinks this is how life is.  Maybe she cannot remember what it is like to feel good, go out, be carefree, move without pain.  To play with her kids, go out for drinks or a movie with a friend.

On Christmas Eve Siza said to Vic “I read in the Bible that Heaven is a great place”….

Here On Earth …, There In Heaven…

Here on earth imperfection, there in heaven perfection
Here on earth discontent, there in heaven content
Here on earth disgrace, there in heaven grace
Here on earth disease, there in heaven ease
Here on earth hatred, there in heaven love
Here on earth war, there in heaven peace
Here on earth decay, there in heaven freshness
Here on earth selfish, there in heaven selfless
Here on earth oppression, there in heaven liberty
Here on earth agonize, there in heaven relax
It’s either on earth, or in heaven
The decision, all yours 

Obed Akuma
vicbaby

 Baby Girl it is time for Heaven…   You have to let go!

A time to be born and a time to die…


A ton of gifts ....
A ton of gifts ….

It is Christmas.  It is a warm, and sunny-day, and my heart is cold.

This is our last Christmas as a complete family.

Vic has been vomiting non-stop.  The acid has burnt the inside of her mouth.  Her derriere is so lumpy, black and blue from the constant injections.  Sr Siza popped in.  She examined Vic and started drawing up a Clopamon and Morphine injection.

“Please Sister, not my bum.  Please do it on my thigh.”

Vic no longer has an appetite.  She is sleeping at least 20 out of 24 hours.  Vic is very warm to the touch and appears flushed.  The thermometer reflects a temperature of 37 degrees C.

“Do you understand what your body is telling you Vic?”  Siza asked

Vic nodded and whispered “I do not want to die…”

“Nobody wants to die, Vicky.  We all will walk this path.  Some sooner than others… You have a degenerative illness and your body is tired…”

“You must surrender your body to God.  It is time for your brain to make peace with what is happening in your body.” Siza said.  “Where is your Bible?”

Siza read from Ecclesiastes 3 – New International Version (NIV)

There is a time for everything,
    and a season for every activity under the heavens:

    a time to be born and a time to die,
    a time to plant and a time to uproot,
    a time to kill and a time to heal,
    a time to tear down and a time to build,
    a time to weep and a time to laugh,
    a time to mourn and a time to dance,
    a time to scatter stones and a time to gather them,
    a time to embrace and a time to refrain from embracing,
    a time to search and a time to give up,
    a time to keep and a time to throw away,
    a time to tear and a time to mend,
    a time to be silent and a time to speak,
    a time to love and a time to hate,
    a time for war and a time for peace.

Siza prayed for Vic and the family for peace and grace in this time.  Vic cried and Danie gently held her.

Danie, and I walked with Siza.  Her eyes were sad when she said “Her body is shutting down.  It could be quick or it could be a few weeks.”

The rest of Christmas Eve passed as if I was in a daze.  Lani and the kids arrived, my dear friend Judy arrived after a marathon charity event and the smell of gammon and roast lamb permeated the house.  The tables looked festive and there were tons of gifts under the tree.

Vic handed out the gifts.  The kids shrieked with delight.  A  lot of thought went into the gifts.  The gifts were truly gifts of love.

There is a time for everything,
    and a season for every activity under the heavens:

   a time to be born and a time to die,

Vic doing the Santa thing
Vic doing the Santa thing
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Vic, Lani and Tom
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Love is family…
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Our dear friend Judy, with Vic, and I. How beautiful is baby Izak?
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Danie and I with Vic

I don’t want to die


Today has been a very, very bad day. Sr Siza was here when Vic had a violent vomiting spell. Yesterday Vic fractured a vertebra again. Her pain is out of control. Her breathing was shallow.

“I don’t want Jon-Daniel to see me now Mommy. It freaks him out when I can’t breathe” Vic pleaded

I lay behind her back, gently holding her whilst the tears wracked through her little body.

I don’t want to die Mommy. If only I can live for another year….. But I am so tired!” Vic softly cried

Do you think we will be able to do Italy Mommy?” she asked after a long silence

I hope so Baby. I think we must take the boys with us…” I replied

Oh Mommy, can we? We don’t have to go for a long time…” Vic said

We lay quietly for a while. Vic trying to breathe through her nausea and pain and I contemplating how I am going to pull off this Italy thing… Just imagine flying with a caseload of injections and a litre of morphine syrup…

Mommy, I don’t care what you do with my ashes… It was so hard putting my father’s ashes into that wall of remembrance! Are you going to be okay Mommy?” Vic cried

My heart stopped. This was so out of the blue… “You will always be with me. I will not put you into any wall” I said

“I will be your guardian angel.” Vic said

I know but remember I will need some privacy… “I said

Don’t worry Mommy! I will make sure my father doesn’t peep as well” Vic laughed through her tears

“I am scared Mommy…”

I am scared too Vic…”

The right to live with dignity


Live_Life_to_the_Fullest_by_HM_Photography

I just read two very insightful posts that Andrew of http://lymphomajourney.wordpress.com posted/reblogged.  The first was under the heading “Why not choose death” http://lymphomajourney.wordpress.com/2012/12/04/why-not-choose-death-sunrise-rounds-sunrise-rounds/ and the second “Morphine too little or to much?” http://sunriserounds.com/morphine-too-much-or-too-little/

I read the articles through the eyes of a primary caregiver who has prayed for her child’s death many, many days.  https://tersiaburger.wordpress.com/wp-admin/post.php?post=3&action=edit .  BH, (Before Hospice), I often blogged about The Right to Die with Dignity…..

Over the past 10 years I have seen my child suffer so much indignity and indescribable pain.  I have seen the despair in her eyes, the helplessness in the eyes of her boys….I have stood next to her bed and physically pulled my hair in frustration – tears pouring down my cheeks.  I have wept before God and prayed for Vic to die.  I begged God to take away her suffering.

I advocated the right to die with dignity.

Vic has been in the care of Hospice for the past 3 months.  In this time Vic has been given a new lease on life.  Hospice cannot change the prognosis but they have given Vic quality of Life.  For the past three months Vic has been able to occasionally get out of bed, go for milkshakes with her boys, she went to Jared’s confirmation and Jon-Daniel’s honours evening.  She completed her photo albums.

Vic is in renal and hepatic failure.  Her tissue is horrendous.  Her pain is under control!  As and when symptoms surface, Vic’s medication is adjusted.  She is treated with compassion and respect.  Her wish is the teams command….

As the situation is now I am so grateful that my child is alive.  I treasure every breath that she takes.  We chat, laugh and cry.  We dream of going to Italy in 2013.

So given the situation now what would I advocate – The right to die with dignity or the right to live?

I have no doubt that if Vic’s pain and symptoms got worse, I would want her suffering to end.  If it remains as great as it is now of course I want her to live.  But it is key that Vic is allowed to live with Dignity!

As much as I advocate the right to die with dignity I believe that the final decision lies with the sick person.  It is not for family or physicians to play God.  The patient has to be the only decision maker.

I must admit that if the decision was mine to make, my child’s suffering would have ended a long time ago.

We all have the right to Live with Dignity.   There is a huge difference between breathing and living…

Breathe may refer to:  Breathing, to inhale and exhale consecutively, drawing oxygen from the air, through the lung http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Breathing

Life (cf. biota) is a characteristic that distinguishes objects that have signaling  and self-sustaining processes from those that do not,[1][2] either because such functions have ceased (death), or else because they lack such functions and are classified as inanimate. http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Life

BH (before Hospice) Vic breathed.  Now she lives.  She may not live for a long time but she has the right to live with dignity!

 

Relevant posts:

https://tersiaburger.com/2012/06/04/5-6-2012/ No one will love me ever again

https://tersiaburger.com/2012/06/12/12-6-2012/ (Eat, sleep, Vomit)

https://tersiaburger.com/2012/08/17/the-right-to-die/

https://tersiaburger.com/2012/11/15/an-end-of-life-discussion-is-one-of-the-most-important-things-to-do-right/

https://tersiaburger.com/2012/10/01/sometimes-the-pains-too-strong-to-bare-and-life-gets-so-hard-you-just-dont-care/

https://tersiaburger.com/2012/09/14/palliative-care/

https://tersiaburger.com/2012/08/22/rest-in-peace-tony-nicklinson-brave-warrior/

https://tersiaburger.com/2012/08/20/768/ (How to die in Oregan)

https://tersiaburger.com/2012/08/02/5-stages-of-dying/

https://tersiaburger.com/2012/06/13/im-going-to-dance-my-way-to-heaven-because-ive-already-been-through-hell-14-6-2012/

Thank you God


I just finished a batch of choc-chip cookies.  The house is quiet and sweet smell of the biscuits has permeated the air.  The Christmas tree lights are flicking and the first batch of gifts beautifully wrapped.  It is the season of Christmas. Two weeks ago I despaired that Vic would not live to see Christmas. Dr Sue came and saw Vic this morning.  She lanced the cellulitis
abscess on Vic’s arm.  My baby girl was so brave!! Sue told us of a young man who came to see her in her rooms with a small abscess in his face.   He cried with pain.  Sue told Vic what a brave person she is…I was so proud of my little girl. Vic’s heart and pulse rate is very elevated.  She has a kidney infection.  Kidney infections make her tired. I just checked on Vic and she is sleeping so peacefully.  She has a serene expression on her beautiful face and she is truly pain-free tonight. Sitting here I am counting my blessings. My baby girl is home.  I cannot begin to imagine how difficult it would have been if Vic lived elsewhere or if she was married or involved.  I can now care for my child without having to consider my “position” in her life.  I am able to be her mommy and take care of her. The boys are settled and happy living with us.  We love having them so close to us.  They are such well-behaved, kind and helpful boys!  Before Vic moved home the boys, mainly Jared, had to cook most days.  Now they are able to be children. Life has settled into an easy routine.  We have laughter and fun.  We cry and despair.  We hug.  We talk and constantly affirm our love for one another. Vic is spending a lot of time with her boys – talking.  She helped with the preparations for Jared’s 16th birthday party.  Vic passed me the spices when I baked this year’s Christmas cakes.  We laughed when we decided the cake needed another “splash of brandy”.  Vic “chose” her Christmas Cake. My wonderful husband is such an amazing person.  He is my rock and pillar.  He loves and protects us. I am happy and content with our lives. Thank you God for this time of closeness.      

Tears and prayers…


IMG_5096

I started wrapping Christmas gifts today.  It is such a fun part of Christmas.  Vic came and sat with me.  Her face incredibly sad… “What’s wrong Baby?”

“My heart is hurting Mommy.”

“Vic there is nothing wrong with your heart?  Do you have pain?  What’s wrong?” I panicked.

Vic laughed …”No Mommy, my heart is sad.  I think it is my last Christmas…”

“Baby, the doctors said you would not live to be 12 and you are still alive.  You will beat this again….”

My little angel girl looked at me with so much sadness in her eyes…It broke my heart.  In my heart I know she is right.

“Mom I am so lonely…”

“I know Baby.”

“Everybody has somebody – I miss having a partner, a soul mate…”

“I know Angel.  I was on my own for a long time – remember?”

“Yes but now you have Dad.  I will never have someone in my life again….” Vic said

I have no words for my child.  Only tears and prayers….

SET YOU FREE


A dear blogger friend of mine, Judy Unger, http://myjourneysinsight.com/ has generously mailed me a parcel with some of her songs.  She also wrote me a very touching email and appended a beautiful song sung by her.  The song, SET YOU FREE, http://judyunger.files.wordpress.com/2010/10/set-you-free-9_26_12-copyright-2012-by-judy-unger.mp3 was written by Judy when she faced losing her father and is hauntingly beautiful!

SET YOU FREE - Judy Unger
SET YOU FREE – Judy Unger
SET YOU FREE
 You’re hanging on as night turns to dawn
I know you can’t stay and soon you’ll be gone
we both know it’s hard to let go; wherever you are my love won’t be far
your smile, your touch, your voice, your face; your essence I will never replace
though I long for you to hold me; I need to set you free
There is no fear and your leaving is clear
we’ll still have our love it remains with each tear
 I cry as you leave but I truly believe; as you leave my sight we’ll both be all right
your smile, your touch, your voice, your face; your essence I will never replace
though I long for you to hold me; I need to set you free
though you have flown to somewhere unknown
we’re never apart ‘cause you’re here in my heart
your smile, your touch, your voice, your face; your essence I will never replace
though I long for you to hold me; I need to set you free
though I long for you to hold me; I need to set you free

Vic is not having a good day.  She is so brave, but it is clear to all that she is slowly losing the battle.

The cellulitis in her arm is slowly clearing, the pain and nausea is under control but Vic is weaker.  She looks old and drawn – the pain clearly etched on her little face.  My heart physically aches when I look at her, and I know that my love will follow her, wherever she may go..

I know I must set Vic free.  I need to release her from the hell she lives.  I echo Judy’s words “You’re hanging on as night turns to dawn; I know you can’t stay and soon you’ll be gone; we both know it’s hard to let go; wherever you are my love won’t be far”  

Thank you Judy for your compassion and sharing your beautiful songs with me.

Another birthday…..


South African grandchildren
South African grandchildren

Yesterday I celebrated (another) birthday.

Late Saturday night Vic’s restlessness was indicative that she was determined to be the first to wish me.  At 11.30 pm she came through and said “another half hour….. I want to be the first to wish you Mommy.  I just want 30 minutes alone with you on your birthday…”

“No problem angel.  I’ll switch the kettle on.” I said

“I will be back in a minute” she said

I made coffee and checked some e-mails.  At 12:00pm I expected her to come through singing “Happy Birthday” but no Vicky….

I went through to her room and the poor baby had fallen asleep on her bed…

Jon-Daniel came through and brought me a cup of tea on a tray, with a gift and card and a rose!  “Happy birthday Oumie” he said.

He had bought a book I have wanted to read for a while “The Elephant Whisperer” – It is an inspiring, true life drama of a herd of wild African elephants on an African game reserve. The herd is destined to be shot for dangerous behaviour when this special human being, Anthony, intervenes to try to save their lives.  I was so thrilled that he remembered.

Just before 01:00 am Vic shuffled into my TV lounge.

“Oh Mommy, I am so sorry I fell asleep.  I thought I would just close my eyes for 5 minutes whilst you make the coffee…”

We sat and chatted for a while.  Vic shared her good wishes with me and we just sat and spoke.  We spoke about our very special mother-daughter relationship.  We spoke about years gone by and how blessed we are to have this time together. (I cannot imagine Vic married and living in someone else’s home on her final journey.)

The girls, Esther and Lani, arrived at 10:00am with gifts, a cooked meal, dessert and cake.  The grandchildren set the table…  My sister Lorraine and dear friend Judy arrived bearing armloads of gifts.  The grandchildren had written me letters and cards – it was so special.  Vic bravely cooked a pot of rice and had lunch with the family.  All the grandchildren swam and played tug-a-war!   We laughed and joked.

It was a perfect day.

Esther and Lani planned the day to start early whilst Vic is at her best.  As the day progresses so her energy levels decrease.  Immediately after lunch Vic went to bed.  She was in so much pain and absolutely exhausted.

All the grandchildren wanted to stay.

Sunday evening we Skyped my son and his family in the UK.  Vic and Danie spoke.  Vic and Danie Jnr have a special bond.

DIGITAL CAMERA

Twenty two years ago I married Danie Sr and his four children; Esther 23, Lani 18, Liza 16 and Danie 11…  Danie married me and one, sick, very protected, spoilt brat, Vicky, aged 16.  Vic and Danie Jnr were the two kids who lived with us.  Vic embraced her new family.  (I was petrified of the children!)

Vic’s siblings have been amazing over the years.  I could never have coped as well as I do if it was not for their love, support and encouragement.  The siblings are fiercely protective of their little sister.

Vic and Danie Jnr spoke for at least 10 minutes last night.  It was a sad conversation between a brother and his older, little sister.

“I miss you so much Little Brother” Vic said

“I miss you too Vic.  How are you feeling?”  Jnr asked

“I am battling Boetie (Little Brother) Vic said

“We are coming to visit in April then I will see you Vic”

“I don’t know if I am going to make it to April” Vic said

“Just hang in there Vic.  It is not that long to April…” Jnr consoled her

“I know but I am tired.  I am just missing you” Vic cried

“I will fly over for a weekend.  I want to see you again” Danie promised

Vic was so tired last night.  Her little body cannot handle parties anymore.  She tries so hard.  This weekend we will have Jared’s 16th birthday.  It is only his birthday on the 26th but most of his friends are away for Christmas so we have his friend party an early in December.

I know this will more than likely be another last for Vic.

Esther, Vic and Lani
Esther, Vic and Lani

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

The night was not over…


“You ain’t heavy, you are my Mother”

Early this morning I posted “My child is in a pain-free sleep.  I will now try to sleep.  “Tomorrow may be a rough dayhttps://tersiaburger.com/2012/12/07/tomorrow-may-be-a-rough-day/  not realising that the night was not over yet.

My poor child had a horrible night.  The pain was under control, but her arm still throbbed, and she was restless.  I was busy with some Christmas gifts.  I tried to go to sleep, but gave it up as a bad job.  So I wrote a post.  At 2am this morning I had just “published” when Vic rang the intercom.

The intercom is her 911

I ran down the passage knowing that my poor child had vomited again.  The poor little thing was standing in the shower covered in her 7 pm dinner and antibiotic tablets.  The food had not digested at all.  She was shivering and crying.

I cleaned up whilst Vic showered.

“I am sorry Mommy.  I am so sorry Mommy”… Vic sobbed.

“I can’t do this anymore Mommy.  I don’t want to live like this anymore….”

I eventually got into bed at 5am.  Three hours sleep used to be enough sleep when I was younger.  I think I am getting old.  I need more than 3 hours.  Maybe it is time to look at a night nurse…..

Hospice called early this morning.  The antibiotics have been changed to IM injections.  We cannot put up an IV drip.  Sr Siza told Vic she should be admitted to hospital to have the abscess lanced and drained.  Vic refused.  “No more hospitals.  Mommy you promised…”

Monday morning Dr Sue will come to the house and do the procedure here.

Yesterday I spoke with a wonderful young man, Marchelle.  I was privileged to have worked with Marchelle worked for a couple of years.  Unfortunately we lost a large contract and had to go our separate ways.

Marchelle has a pure heart.  He is selfless and one of the very few people I trust with every fibre of my being.  Marchelle has never let me down.

Marchelle told me he is following my blog.  He asked me whether I thought the situation is truly as bad as Hospice say it is.  I said I did.

He asked what is different this time? You have been told so many times that Vic was dying, and then she bounces back…

I started giving him the facts; Vic is in renal and hepatic failure… This time she cannot bounce back.  Organ failure is organ failure…. Talking to him I thought “Marchelle is right!  Why am I giving up this time?  I have NEVER given up on my child, and I will not give up now.” 

I walked into Vic’s room and stood in the door looking at my beautiful little girl sleeping.  I am so tired that I am allowing the negativity of the situation to get to me.  It was however only at 4:00 am that the reality of Vic’s situation re-settled around my heart like a lead jacket – I know my child has had enough.

Marchelle said he prays for us every day, and I believe him.

This morning Vic took her precious boys to pick up their report cards.  Both Danie and I said we would take them.  Vic very politely refused.  She wanted to take her boys.  She wanted to be first to see their marks.  Maybe for the last time…

She was absolutely delighted with their marks.  The boys had worked hard and deserve every mark they received.  I wonder whether the boys will remember in the years to come that their Mommy got out of her sick- bed to go with them to collect their 2012 report cards.

We are so proud of them.  They are brave kids.

On Sunday we will celebrate my birthday.  On the 24th we will have our first Christmas dinner with Lani, Tom and all their kids.  Simone still believes in Santa!  On the 25th we will go to Church.  On the 26th we will celebrate Jared’s birthday.  On the 27th we will start planning our New Year celebrations.

Forward planning is “The power of positive thinking”…

Vic and her baby Jon-Daniel..
Vic and her baby Jon-Daniel..

“Next year my mom and I are going to Italy”


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Sue saw Vic this morning.   Her liver is very distended and exerting pressure on the right lung.   I now have to use her little arms and legs as injection sites.  I HATE injecting her in the legs.  The doctor fears that she will develop abscesses on her bum.  The entire derriere area is full of lumps and bruises.  When I inject her the injection site becomes “lemon-peely”.  The immediate area swells and becomes hard.  Sometimes there is a fair amount of bleeding or serum loss.  Her tissue is POOR!!!

I discussed various central line options with Sue.  Vic refused point-blank to even consider it.  Vic has been mainlined so many times.  She always asked the anaesthetists to not tape her hair to the central line….  Vic went into septic shock from a CVV, had the needle inserted into an accessory vein and had to be returned to theatre for the removal of the needle and the cauterization of the puncture wound in the vein….  Due to her poor tissue and bleeding tendencies it took two hours!

So we discussed the way forward.

Sue gave us a script for Pethidine.  We will alternate the morphine and Pethidine six-hourly.  The poor pharmacist….  She went into shock when she heard that the morphine is NOT being replaced by the Pethidine… that it is in addition to the morphine.

Now it is only a matter of time.  Vic’s organs are slowly shutting down.  My child is gently being eased into death.

The entire day it echoed through my mind “we cannot stop this.  It is happening”

Vic is calm and serene.

“Next year my mom and I are going to Italy” she told Sue today.

“Then I can die…”

“We will find a way my love” Sue said…

“It is closer that she realises” Sue said to me at her car

Do I tell her?” I asked

“No, her body will…” Sue said

I cannot bear the thought of living without Vic.

 

We need a miracle again….


Daniel and Vic 29-01-07

Sr Siza examined Vic today.  She phoned Dr Sue who will be in tomorrow morning.  She also brought a script with for Dalacin antibiotics.  The cellulitis has spread to all three the subcutaneous sites.

Siza expressed her concern at Vic’s decline…

Last Friday Danie, my husband, came and sat next to me and said “I know everyone says it will be better for Vic to die than live in this pain but I was thinking how hard it will be for us without her…”

That statement really shook me.  Up until now death has been a hypothetical issue… Doctors diagnoses and prognosis…predictions…  I have never really considered living without my child.

Last week Siza and I met with the CEO of Amcare, a large community project that provide community based feeding schemes, HIV/AIDS Counselling, Home-based care, skills development, ARV Clinic, women and children shelters.   We are hoping that they will “host” our Hospice at their premises.

The CEO knows Vicky and the boys.  Jared was confirmed in his church earlier this year.

I shared with them how difficult it was to get a terminally ill person into a Hospice Program and that 95% of the dying population die in pain.  Vernon (CEO) quietly listened to us and explained how difficult fundraising is.  Christians are tight with their money…

Vernon then shared the following with us.

“In 2007 I was driving home from a meeting when I felt this urgent need to see Vicky.  I knew she was in hospital as she was on the prayer list.  I drove to the Donald Gordon (Hospital) and was directed to the ICU.  The nurses welcomed me although it was way past visiting time.”

“Pray for her.  We are switching the machines off tomorrow morning…” they said.

I stood next to her bed, raised my arms and prayed that God would spare Vicky for her little boys.  I stood next to a dead person that night.  Two days later I heard that Vicky did not die when the machines were turned off…”

I just stared at him.  I was speechless…  I had no idea!   It was the first time I had ever heard the story!

In June 2007 Vic had developed ARDS (Acute Respiratory Distress Syndrome) after a series of operations trying to close up an abdominal fistula.  Her body was excreting up to 7 litres of faecal matter a day and she had every superbug the ICU could offer.  On the Tuesday Vic went into respiratory failure and was ventilated.  I was talking to her when the doctors rushed us out of ICU and put her onto the ventilator.  By the Thursday her kidneys and liver had started shutting down.

ARDS is a severe lung syndrome (not a disease) caused by a variety of direct and indirect issues. It is characterized by inflammation of the lung parenchyma leading to impaired gas exchange with concomitant systemic release of inflammatory mediators causing inflammation, hypoxemia and frequently resulting in multiple organ failure. This condition is often fatal, usually requiring mechanical and admission to an intensive care unit.   http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Acute_respiratory_distress_syndrome

My BFF, Gillian drove 350 kilometres to be with me.  On the Thursday there was absolutely no sign that Vic could or would recover.  Vic had a DNR and a living will that she had provided the hospital.

That evening one of the ICU doctors, Liam, hugged me and said “Mommy, Vic is tired.  You must let her go…”

Gill, Leeann (Vic’s friend) and I went home after visiting hour to talk to the boys.  They were already in bed when we arrived home.  We sat with them

Guys, you know how ill Mommy has been….Mommy’s lungs are not able to work on their own.  Mommy’s kidneys and liver is also not working that well anymore.  The doctors feel that Mommy will not be able to breathe without the machines and that Mommy has suffered too much.  They think it will be better for Mommy to be taken off the machines…”

Jared quietly started to cry.  Jon-Daniel was stoic.  Jared was 10 years old and Jon-Daniel 8 years old.

“What will happen with us Oumie” Jon-Daniel asked.

“Sweetie, Oumie and Oupie will ALWAYS be here for you.  This is your home.”

Jared cried himself to sleep.  Jon-Daniel just clung to me.  The three of us shared a bed that night.

The next morning early Gill, Lee and I set off to hospital.  When we arrived I said “I am not going into that hospital until I have prayed in the Chapel.”

The three of us prayed and it was with absolute certainty that I KNEW Vic would not die that day.

Family and friends drifted in and out of the waiting room the whole day.  My minister came and prayed for my child.  Everyone said goodbye.

That afternoon Danie and I were allowed to see Vic.  The “invasive” ventilator had been disconnected and she had a mask-like ventilator covering her face.  It was a grotesque sight.

Danie held her little hand and his tears dripped onto her arm.

Oh sweetie” he said, the sorrow and pain raw in his voice.

Vic opened her eyes and said “Daddy”….

Three days later Vic was discharged from ICU….. It was not her time.

Today I looked at her and fear struck at my heart.  My child is slowly slipping away.  Her little body is tired of the pain.  Her little organs are enlarged and diseased.  Her bones weak….

And the realisation hit home…. We need another miracle.

God please have mercy on my child.

Where to now?


IMG_7374

The subcutaneous driver is down.  By this morning it was obvious that Vic’s tissue was just not holding up. 

On Friday morning I removed and repositioned the driver.  Serum leaked out of the syringe hole for almost two days.  The area is inflamed, hot to the touch, swollen and painful.  Cellulitis has struck!  Yesterday evening I repositioned the driver again and this afternoon I removed it.  So I will now administer the 150mg of morphine and  the 60 ml Stemitil IM.  Vic’s derriere is black and blue and lumpy from the injections. 

Where to from here?  How are we going to control this poor child’s pain?  I can only think that they will have to fit a central line…  Will they do it?  She will have to go into theatre for that!  There is absolutely no way I would allow the procedure without sedation!  Central lines are very susceptible to infection and sepsis.  

Poor baby.  She is so ill.

Today I said to my BFF, Gillian, that it is almost as if, now the decision has been made regarding “her” Hospice, she is at peace.  I sat next to her and thought to myself “I wonder if she will make Christmas?”  But then I thought to myself “Wait a minute…This is Vic…She bounces back!”

Tomorrow her doctor will come and see her, she will go onto a course of antibiotics and bounce back again.  Then we will decide how to deal with her pain…

Central venous catheter   http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Central_venous_catheter

 

From Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia
Central venous catheter
Intervention
MeSH D002405

Central line equipment

CVC with three lumens

In medicine, a central venous catheter (“central line”, “CVC”, “central venous line” or “central venous access catheter”) is acatheter placed into a large vein in the neck (internal jugular vein), chest (subclavian vein or axillary vein) or groin (femoral vein). It is used to administer medication or fluids, obtain blood tests (specifically the “mixed venous oxygen saturation”), and directly obtain cardiovascular measurements such as the central venous pressure.

Contents

[hide]

Types

There are several types of central venous catheters:[1]

Non-tunneled vs. tunneled catheters

Non-tunneled catheters are fixed in place at the site of insertion, with the catheter and attachments protruding directly. Commonly used non-tunneled catheters include Quinton catheters.

Tunneled catheters are passed under the skin from the insertion site to a separate exit site, where the catheter and its attachments emerge from underneath the skin. The exit site is typically located in the chest, making the access ports less visible than if they were to directly protrude from the neck. Passing the catheter under the skin helps to prevent infection and provides stability. Commonly used tunneled catheters include Hickman catheters and Groshong catheters.

Implanted port

port is similar to a tunneled catheter but is left entirely under the skin. Medicines are injected through the skin into the catheter. Some implanted ports contain a small reservoir that can be refilled in the same way. After being filled, the reservoir slowly releases the medicine into the bloodstream. An implanted port is less obvious than a tunneled catheter and requires very little daily care. It has less impact on a person’s activities than a PICC line or a tunneled catheter. Surgically implanted infusion ports are placed below the clavicle (infraclavicular fossa), with the catheter threaded into the right atrium through large vein. Once implanted, the port is accessed via non-coring “Huber” needles inserted through the skin. The health care provider may need to use topical anesthetic prior to accessing port. Ports can be used for medications, chemotherapy, TPN, and blood. As compared to CVC or PICC catheters, ports are easy to maintain for home-based therapy.

Ports are typically used on patients requiring only occasional venous access over a long duration course of therapy. Since the port must be accessed using a needle, if venous access is required on a frequent basis a catheter having external access is more commonly used.

PICC line

A peripherally inserted central catheter, or PICC line (pronounced “pick”), is a central venous catheter inserted into a vein in the arm rather than a vein in the neck or chest.

Technical description

Triluminal catheter

Depending on its use, the catheter is monoluminal, biluminal or triluminal, dependent on the actual number of lumens (1, 2 and 3 respectively). Some catheters have 4 or 5 lumens, depending on the reason for their use.

The catheter is usually held in place by an adhesive dressing, suture, or staple which is covered by an occlusive dressing. Regular flushing with saline or a heparin-containing solution keeps the line patent and prevents thrombosis. Certain lines are impregnated with antibiotics, silver-containing substances (specifically silver sulfadiazine) and/or chlorhexidine to reduce infection risk.

Specific types of long-term central lines are the Hickman catheters, which require clamps to make sure the valve is closed, and Groshong catheters, which have a valve that opens as fluid is withdrawn or infused and remains closed when not in use. Hickman lines also have a “cuff” under the skin, to prevent bacterial migration[citation needed] and to cause tissue ingrowth into the device for long term securement.

Indications and uses

Indications for the use of central lines include:[2]

Central venous catheters usually remain in place for a longer period of time than other venous access devices, especially when the reason for their use is longstanding (such as total parenteral nutrition in a chronically ill patient). For such indications, a Hickman line, a PICC line or a portacath may be considered because of their smaller infection risk. Sterile technique is highly important here, as a line may serve as a porte d’entrée (place of entry) for pathogenic organisms, and the line itself may become infected with organisms such as Staphylococcus aureus and coagulase-negative Staphylococci.[citation needed]

Triple lumen in jugular vein

Chest x-ray with catheter in the right subclavian vein

The skin is cleaned, and local anesthetic applied if required. The location of the vein is then identified by landmarks or with the use of a small ultrasound device. A hollow needle is advanced through the skin until blood is aspirated; the color of the blood and the rate of its flow help distinguish it from arterial blood (suggesting that an artery has been accidentally punctured), although this method is inaccurate.[citation needed] Ultrasound probably now represents the gold standard for central venous access and skills, within North American and Europe, with landmark techniques are diminishing.[3][4]

The line is then inserted using the Seldinger technique: a blunt guidewire is passed through the needle, then the needle is removed. A dilating device may be passed over the guidewire to slightly enlarge the tract. Finally, the central line itself is then passed over the guidewire, which is then removed. All the lumens of the line are aspirated (to ensure that they are all positioned inside the vein) and flushed.[citation needed] A chest X-ray is typically performed afterwards to confirm that the line is positioned inside the superior vena cava and, in the case of insertion through the subclavian vein, that no pneumothorax was caused as a side effect. Vascular positioning systems can also be used to verify tip placement during insertion without the need to a chest X-ray, but this technique is not yet a standard of practice.

Videos are available demonstrating placement of a central venous catheter without[5] and with ultrasound guidance.[6]

Complications

Central line insertion may cause a number of complications. The benefit expected from their use therefore needs to outweigh the risk of those complications.

Pneumothorax

Pneumothorax (for central lines placed in the chest); the incidence is thought to be higher with subclavian vein catheterization. In catheterization of the internal jugular vein, the risk of pneumothorax can be minimized by the use of ultrasound guidance. For experienced clinicians, theincidence of pneumothorax is about 1.5-3.1%. Some official bodies, e.g. the National Institute for Health and Clinical Excellence (UK), recommend the routine use of ultrasonography to minimize complications.[7]

Central-Line Associated Bloodstream Infections (CLABSIs)

All catheters can introduce bacteria into the bloodstream, but CVCs are known for occasionally causing Staphylococcus aureus andStaphylococcus epidermidis sepsis. The problem of central line-associated bloodstream infections (CLABSI) has gained increasing attention in recent years. They cause a great deal of morbidity and deaths, and increase health care costs. Historically, a small number of CVC infections were considered an acceptable risk of placing central lines. However, the seminal work by Dr. Peter Pronovost at Johns Hopkins Hospital turned that perspective on its head. Additionally, the Institute for Healthcare Improvement (IHI) has done a tremendous amount of work in improving hospitals’ focus on central line-associated bloodstream infections (CLABSI), and is working to decrease the incidence of this particular complication among US hospitals.

The National Patient Safety Goals NPSGs and specifically NSPG 7.04 address how to decrease infections.[8] The NSPG 7.04 has 13 elements of performance to decrease CLABSIs.

The 13 Elements of Performance (EPs):

  • EP 1 & 2 deal with educating staff and patients about Central Vascular Catheters and their potential complications
  • EP 3 specifically directs facilities to implement policies and practices to reduce CLABSI
  • EP 4 & 5 are about how to perform surveillance for Central-Line Associated Bloodstream Infections (CLABSIs)
  • EP 6-13:

– Institute for Healthcare Improvement (IHI) bundle

  • 1. Hand Hygiene
  • 2. Full body drape
  • 3. Chlorhexidine gluconate skin anti-septic
  • 4. Selection of Optimal site for Central venus Catheter (CVC)
  • 5. Daily review of ongoing need for CVC

– Disinfection of intravenous access ports before use

National Patient Safety Goals require documentation of a checklist for CVC insertion and Disinfection of intravenous (IV) access ports before use (scrub the hub). Some literature has suggested the use of a safer vascular access route – such as intraosseous (IO) vascular access – when central lines are not absolutely necessary (such as when central lines are being placed solely for vascular access). Infection risks were initially thought to be less in jugular lines, but this only seems to be the case if the patient is obese.[9]

If a patient with a central line develops signs of infection, blood cultures are taken from both the catheter and from a vein elsewhere in the body. If the culture from the central line grows bacteria much earlier (>2 hours) than the other site, the line is the likely source of the infection. Quantitative blood culture is even more accurate, but this is not widely available.[10]

Generally, antibiotics are used, and occasionally the catheter will have to be removed. In the case of bacteremia from Staphylococcus aureus, removing the catheter without administering antibiotics is not adequate as 38% of such patients may still develop endocarditis.[11]

In a clinical practice guideline, the American Centers for Disease Control and Prevention recommends against routine culturing of central venous lines upon their removal.[12]The guideline makes a number of further recommendations to prevent line infections.[12]

To prevent infection, stringent cleaning of the catheter insertion site is advised. Povidone-iodine solution is often used for such cleaning, but chlorhexidine appears to be twice as effective as iodine.[13] Routine replacement of lines makes no difference in preventing infection.[14]

Thrombosis

CVCs are a risk factor for forming venous thrombosis[15] including upper extremity deep vein thrombosis.[16]

Other complications

Rarely, small amounts of air are sucked into the vein as a result of the negative Intra-thoracic pressure and insertion technique. Valved insertion devices can reduce this risk.[citation needed] If these air bubbles obstruct blood vessels, this is known as an air embolism.

Hemorrhage (bleeding) and formation of a hematoma (bruise) is slightly more common in jugular venous lines than in others.[9]

Arrhythmias may occur during the insertion process when the wire comes in contact with the endocardium. It typically resolved when the wire is pulled back.[citation needed]

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

What Will Matter – Michael Josephson


My beautiful baby girl
My beautiful baby girl

Ready or not, someday it will all come to an end.

There will be no more sunrises, no minutes, hours or days.
All things you collected, whether treasured or forgotten, will pass to someone else.
 
Your wealth, fame and temporal power will shrivel to irrelevance.
Your grudges, resentments, frustrations and jealousies will finally disappear.
So too your hopes, ambitions, plans, and to-do lists will expire.
 
The wins and losses that once seemed so important will fade away.
It won’t matter where you came from, or on what side of the tracks you lived, at the end.
 
It won’t matter whether you where beautiful or brilliant.
Even your gender and skin colour will be irrelevant.
 
So what will matter? How will the value of your days be measured?
 
What will matter is not what you bought, but what you built;
Not what you got, but how you gave.
 
What will matter is not your success, but your significance.
What will matter is not what you learned, but what you taught.
 
What will matter is every act of integrity, compassion, courage or sacrifice that enriched, empowered or encouraged others to emulate your example.
 
What will matter is not your competence, but your character.
What will matter is not how many people you knew, but how many will feel a lasting loss when you’re gone.
 
What will matter are not your memories, but the memories that live in those who loved you.
What will matter is how long you will be remembered, by whom and for what.
 
Living a life that matters doesn’t happen by accident.
It’s not a matter of circumstance but of choice.
 
Choose to live a life that matters.
What Will Matter – Michael Josephson
 

Morphine extends life!


Vic and I in healthier days

The downward pain spiral has already begun.  Vic is quite swollen and had a bad day.  This afternoon late she perked up and has only had one vomiting spell tonight.

As Sr Siza was examining her this afternoon and taking her vitals I remarked on the swelling.  “It’s the organs shutting down” she whispered….

“I am scared Siza.  I administer such massive dosages of medication to Vic… What if I kill her?” I asked over a cup of tea.

“Don’t worry my love.  You won’t.  There is no upper limit to the amount of morphine that Vicky can go on… As long as we titrate the dosages she will be fine.”

So I Googled Morphine+dosage+death and one of the first articles that came up (and I could understand) is “When Morphine Fails to Kill”  By GINA KOLATA

 Proponents of assisted suicide often argue that when a doctor helps a patient who wants to die, it is no more ethically troubling than when a doctor kills a patient slowly with morphine, often without the patient’s knowledge or consent, a medical practice these proponents say is increasingly common.

So why forbid doctors to prescribe lethal pills that could allow patients to control how and when they die? There is no question that doctors use morphine this way. “It happens all the time,” said Dr. John M. Luce, a professor of medicine and anesthesiology at the University of California in San Francisco. And there is no question that most doctors think that morphine can hasten a patient’s death by depressing respiration. But Luce and others are asking whether morphine and similar drugs really speed death.

Experts in palliative care say the only available evidence indicates that morphine is not having this effect. Dr. Balfour Mount, a cancer specialist who directs the division of palliative care at McGill University in Montreal, firmly states that it is “a common misunderstanding that patients die because of high doses of morphine needed to control pain.”

 No one denies that an overdose of morphine can be lethal. It kills by stopping breathing. But, said Dr. Joanne Lynn, director of the Center to Improve Care of the Dying at George Washington University School of Medicine, something peculiar happens when doctors gradually increase a patient’s dose of morphine. The patients, she said, become more tolerant of the drug’s effect on respiration than they do of its effect on pain. The result, Dr. Lynn said, is that as patients’ pain gets worse, they require more and more morphine to control it. But even though they end up taking doses of the drug that would quickly kill a person who has not been taking morphine, the drug has little effect on these patients’ breathing.

Dr. Kathleen Foley, who is co-chief of the pain and palliative care service at Memorial SloanKettering Cancer Center in New York, said that she routinely saw patients taking breathtakingly high doses of morphine yet breathing well. “They’re taking 1,000 milligrams of morphine a day, or 2,000 milligrams a day, and walking around,” she said.

The standard daily dose used to quell the pain of cancer patients, she added, is 200 to 400 milligrams. Dr. Lynn said she sometimes gave such high doses of morphine or similar drugs that she frightened herself. She remembers one man who had a tumor on his neck as big as his head. To relieve his pain, she ended up giving him 200 milligrams of a morphinelike drug, hydromorphone, each hour, 200 times the dose that would put a person with no tolerance to the drug into a deep sleep. “Even I was scared,” Dr. Lynn said, but she found that if she lowered the dose to even 170 milligrams of the drug per hour, the man was in excruciating pain. So to protect herself in case she was ever questioned by a district attorney, she said, she videotaped the man playing with his grandson while he was on the drug.

On rare occasions, Dr. Lynn said, she became worried when she escalated a morphine dose and noticed that the patient had started to struggle to breathe. Since she did not intend to kill the patient, she said, she administered an antidote. But invariably, she said, she found that the drug was not causing the patient’s sudden respiratory problem.

One man, for example, was having trouble breathing because he had bled from a tumor in his brain, and an elderly woman had just had a stroke. “In every single case, there was another etiology,” Dr. Lynn said. “Joanne’s experience is emblematic,” said Dr. Russell K. Portenoy, the other cochief of the pain and palliative care service at Memorial SloanKettering Cancer Center.

 He said he was virtually certain that if doctors ever gave antidotes to morphine on a routine basis when dying patients started laboring to breathe, they would find that Dr. Lynn’s experience was the rule. Patients generally die from their diseases, not from morphine, Dr. Portenoy said.

The actual data on how often morphine and other opiates that are used for pain relief cause death are elusive. But Dr. Foley and others cite three studies that indirectly support the notion that if morphine causes death, it does so very infrequently. One study, by Dr. Frank K. Brescia of Calvary Hospital in the Bronx and his colleagues, examined pain, opiate use and survival among 1,103 cancer patients at that hospital, which is for the terminally ill. The patients had cancer that was “very far advanced,” said Dr. Portenoy, an author of the paper. But to his surprise, he said, the investigators found no relationship between the dose of opiates a patient received and the time it took to die. Those receiving stunningly high doses died no sooner than those taking much lower doses.

Another study, by Dr. Luce and his colleagues in San Francisco, looked at 44 patients in intensive care units at two hospitals who were so ill that their doctors and families decided to withdraw life support. Three quarters of the patients were taking narcotics, and after the decision was made to let them die, the doctors increased their narcotics dose. Those who were not receiving opiates were in comas or so severely brain damaged that they did not feel pain. The researchers asked the patients’ doctors to tell them, anonymously, why they had given narcotics to the patients and why they had increased the doses. Thirty nine (39%) percent of the doctors confided that, in addition to relieving pain, they were hoping to hasten the patients’ deaths. But that did not seem to happen.

 The patients who received narcotics survived an average of 3 1/2 hours after the decision had been made to let them die. Those who did not receive narcotics lived an average of 1 1/2 hours. Of course, Dr. Luce said, the study was not definitive because the patients who did not receive drugs may have been sicker and more likely to die very quickly. Nonetheless, he said, the investigators certainly failed to show that narcotics speeded death.

Dr. Declan Walsh, the director of the Center for Palliative Medicine at the Cleveland Clinic, said it had been 15 years since he first questioned the assumption that morphine used for pain control killed patients by depressing their respiration. He was working in England at the time, and many doctors there were afraid to prescribe morphine or similar drugs for cancer patients, Walsh said, because “they were afraid they would kill the patients.”

So Walsh looked at carbon dioxide levels in the blood of cancer patients on high doses of morphine to control their pain. If their breathing was suppressed, their carbon dioxide levels should have been high. But they were not. Nonetheless, Walsh said, the idea that morphine used for pain relief depresses respiration is widely believed by doctors and nurses because it is “drummed into them in medical school.” So, said Dr. Susan Block, a psychiatrist in the hematology and oncology division at Brigham and Women’s Hospital in Boston, it is not surprising that many doctors try to use morphine to speed dying. “There is more and more evidence most of it unpublished, but it’s coming, I’ve seen it that physicians, in addition to wanting to ease patients’ discomfort, also want to hasten death,” Dr. Block said. “Everyone is feeling guilty.”

Source: NY TIMES July 23, 1997  http://www.chninternational.com/Opiods%20for%20pain%20do%20not%20kill.htm

No more pain angel.

Friends, Lasagna and chocolate pudding…


Gavin, Vic and Darren at Darren’s wedding in 2003

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Today was a great day!

Yesterday Hospice increased Vic’s pain medication by 25%.  The subcutaneous driver is holding up in her arm.  She has not vomited in the past 24 hours.  Vic spent wonderful, constructive time with the boys today.

Yesterday Renée, Jared’s extra maths teacher and a friend, phoned to hear if I wanted to go for a walk.  I declined as Vic was really not well.  Then she phoned to ask if everything was okay.  I said we were having a bad day.  She had read the boys BBM status updates and asked if I wanted her to pop around and help… I declined.   She phoned again and offered to cook us dinner… I said we had already prepared a meal.  Renée said “I will bring you dinner tomorrow night”….

My BFF, Gillian, is visiting.  It is so comforting having her around.  I felt enfolded by the normal-ness of her life today …She is a warm and comforting person who knows my soul as well as I know my own soul.   In the words of the great Aristotle:  “Friendship is composed of a single soul inhibiting two bodies.”  Gill is a safe haven.  I love the no-nonsense way she speaks, her efficiency, her single-minded loyalty and ability to love.  Gillian’s greatest character trait is that she loves unconditionally and NEVER judges.

Gillian is a second mom to Vic.

Vic, Gavin and Darren standing in the house we were building at the time

When our children were growing up we were inseparable.  Gill is a delicate, tough person but cannot handle blood.  I am a tough career girl but cannot handle needles being shoved into my child’s little body.   As young mommy’s I did the blood thing and Gillian did the dentist and invasive tests thing.  She would give the kids a quarter of a Panado and a sermon about bravery and march them off to the dentist, x-rays etc….  I cleaned wounds and stuck plaster over wounds…We are the perfect team.  United against our children….

Vic’s 6th birthday party with Len and Gill’s kids…

When the boys got mumps Vic got mumps, when the boys got chicken pox Vic got chickenpox… Vic had her own bedroom in Gillian’s home.

I cried when her eldest, Darren, went to school the first time.  His little knees were so skinny and looked like matchsticks in his school pants.

Gillian used to relieve me when Vic was in hospital and Len (her husband) would take me for tea and anchovy toast.  Gillian is the first person I phone when I have a Vicky crisis.

After my divorce from Vic’s dad Len and Gill once drove to my new apartment at 2am and took turns in consoling me.  The other sat in the car with the two boys sleeping on the back seat!  In my single days I would go to Gillian for a cooked meal with vegetables…I never cooked!  The night before I remarried I spent the night with Len and Gill.  We laughed and joked and ate toast… Gillian dressed Vic and got her to church…

Gill is one of the most amazing people I know.  She is a friend in a million.

My friend is now semi-retired.  She lives in a beautiful game reserve in the most beautiful part of our country.  Her home is warm and welcoming – a safe haven to a myriad of friends and family.  Gill chats to the boys on BBM and is always 100% up to date on what is happening in their lives.  When I travel Gill will check on Vic every single day!

Yesterday the panic was sitting in my throat.  I felt as if I was choking.  Today Vic is great and Gillian is visiting.  I am calm and at peace.

Tonight Renée dropped off the greatest lasagna and a chocolate pudding.  I am in total awe of the love that we have been surrounded by and absolutely amazed at the kindness that Renée had shown…..  We live in Johannesburg – a concrete jungle!  I am so deeply touched!

So, tonight as my little girl finally settled into a deep and pain-free sleep I allowed myself the luxury of a couple of tears.  Tears of gratitude for the love we are surrounded by!  Tears of gratitude that the pain medication is working!  Tears of gratitude for a good day!

I know that the pain medication will only work for a week or two and then it will have to be increased again.  At what stage will Vic’s body not be able to handle the pain medication any longer?

But tonight I am not going to dwell on my questions.

Just tonight I will indulge in an early night.

The friend in my adversity I shall always cherish most. I can better trust those who helped to relieve the gloom of my dark hours than those who are so ready to enjoy with me the sunshine of my prosperity. – Ulysses S. Grant

 

My beautiful friend in a pensive moment….