Dying is a lonely journey. Not only for the sick person but also for the family. As hard as we may try to avoid death, the truth is that we do a lousy job of it. Science and medicine will certainly postpone it, even staying healthy might seem to delay it, but the harsh reality is that death does not wait for you, it does not ask you, and it does not listen to you. Death ignores your feelings and wants; you do not matter to death…Death is the only certainty in life! We need to remember that our existence here is fragile, and we never have as much time with people as we think we do. If there is someone or someones out there that you love, don’t neglect that and don’t put off engaging with them because waits for no-one… Vic's Journey ended on 18 January 2013 at 10:35. She was the most courageous person in the world and has inspired thousands of people all over the world. Vic's two boys are monuments of her existence. She was an amazing mother, daughter, sister and friend. I will miss you today, tomorrow and forever my Angle Child.
I have often compared Vicky and my lives with the lives of Aurora Greenway (Shirley MacLaine) and her daughter Emma (Debra Winger). Terms of Endearment cover three decades in the lives of widow Aurora Greenway (Shirley MacLaine) and her daughter Emma (Debra Winger).
Fiercely protected by Aurora throughout childhood, Emma runs into resistance from her mother when she marries wishy-washy college teacher Flap (Jeff Daniels). Seventy five minutes into the movie Emma discovers that she has terminal cancer. http://www.rottentomatoes.com/m/terms_of_endearment/
The final third of the movie is about Emma dying and the family’s journey coming to terms with it.
Aurora, the mother, is a sharp-tongued, controlling mother who is fiercely protective of her only daughter. Emma, the daughter, is a rebel… Just like Vic and I were.
I was distraught, like Aurora, when I found out Vic was pregnant. I hated the foetus that was growing in her body… I knew it could kill her. The second I lay eyes on Jared, I experienced a rush of love that has never been equalled…Don’t misunderstand me – I love all my grandchildren equally. But, when I first saw Jared I knew I was capable of perfect love.
Aurora grows to love her grandchildren with that perfect love.
Aurora and I are not the touchy types. Vic and Emma would hug and hold on forever. I was often uncomfortable with the “excessive” display of emotion. Vic and I always held hands but I get uncomfortable with long hugs….being that close to another person for a “long” time. Vic thought I was the worse hugger ever. There was a day that Vic said “You have not gone all stiff Mommy. That was a perfect hug.” In the movie there is a scene where mother and daughter hug. Emma Horton says: “Momma, that’s the first time I stopped hugging first. I like that.”
Then of course there is the dreadful hospital scenes where Emma is in so much pain. Aurora is calm, matter of fact and placating when she talks to her beloved daughter. She loses her calm exterior the minute that she walks out of the room into the nurses’ station.
Aurora Greenway: It’s past ten. My daughter is in pain. I don’t understand why she has to have this pain. All she has to do is hold out until ten, and IT’S PAST TEN! My daughter is in pain, can’t you understand that! GIVE MY DAUGHTER THE SHOT!
Whilst I was with Vic I smiled, I encouraged and placated…the minute I walked out of Vic’s hospital room God help the sister or doctor I got hold off… Doctors made U-Turns when they saw me waiting for them; Brendan actually said he was scared of me and would not want to bump into me in a dark passage.
But that is what Mother’s do. We fight for our children. We protect them at all costs and with total disregard to the rest of the world.
Living with a terminally ill child is devastating. I wanted to fold Vic into my arms, lock out the world and the disease, and protect her from pain. In the real world we fight with our dying child to keep on fighting, look after themselves, to do what we believe is right… We fight for them, with them…..We fight for their lives.
This fragile balance and relationship is beautifully depicted in Terms of Endearment when the mother (Aurora Greenway) says: I just don’t want to fight anymore.
Aurora Greenway: WHEN do we FIGHT? I always think of us as fighting!
Emma Horton: That’s because you’re never satisfied with me.
Vic often used similar words. She would never “space” herself. Half a breath of oxygen in her lungs and she was driving and organising a party. I would fight and remind her that driving (under the influence of humungous quantities of morphine) invariably lead to a fractured vertebrae or two…
“Don’t fight with me Mommy” she would say.
4th of January 2013
The most moving scheme in the movie is when Emma says goodbye to her sons. In the two years, before her dying, her eldest son had withdrawn from her.
Emma Horton: I know you like me. I know it. For the last year or two, you’ve been pretending like you hate me. I love you very much. I love you as much as I love anybody, as much as I love myself. And in a few years when I haven’t been around to be on your tail about something or irritating you, you could… remember that time that I bought you the baseball glove when you thought we were too broke. You know? Or when I read you those stories? Or when I let you goof off instead of mowing the lawn? Lots of things like that. And you’re gonna realize that you love me. And maybe you’re gonna feel badly, because you never told me. But don’t – I know that you love me. So don’t ever do that to yourself, all right?
Vic was so worried about Jon-Daniel. He withdrew during her very ill spells. I remember the one night when she crawled into bed with me. She was crying bitterly. https://tersiaburger.com/2012/05/23/23-5-2012/ She spoke about how Jon-Daniel would suffer from guilt after she died. “Tell him I say thank-you for making me laugh”
Jon-Daniel and his brave Mommy – January 2013
In the dying scene Emma folds her hand under her chin. Vic always slept with her little hand under her chin.
I am busy with my child’s estate. It is absolutely horrible!!!!!!
Today, 131 days after Vic died, I have to complete an insurance form. The question I cannot answer is “Date of Cremation”. I did not want to know! This is another date that will stick to my memory until the day I die…. I had to send an email to the undertaker. I await his reply.
I held my child death certificate and Notice of Death form DHA-1663A in my hands… On page 1 of 3 is Vic’s tiny little thumbprints, on page 2 of 3 – my thumbprint. I am listed as the “informant”. On page 3 of 3 the thumbprint of the Undertaker…
Form number DHA-1663A
The darn certificates are smudged with tears now. Oh well, tough luck!!
No parent should ever have to do, whatever executors have to do, for their child… It feels as if my heart was ripped out of my chest!
To-do list: OUTSTANDING FORMS TO SUBMIT
DEATH NOTICE – FORM J294
PARTICULARS OF NEXT-OF-KIN FORM J192
INVENTORY – FORM J243
ACCEPTANCE OF TRUST AS EXECUTOR
CREDITORS LIST
AFFIDAVIT RE EXECUTORSHIP
SPECIAL POWER OF ATTORNEY
INSURANCE POLICY CLAIMS
I DON’T EVEN KNOW WHO TO SUBMIT THESE STUPID DARN FORMS TO!! I suppose there will be a website somewhere that will tell me.
In 2002 I was on top of the world. My career was at an all-time high, financially we were secure and I LOVED my job. I was able to work long hours and spend time with my friends. I was on 9 Church Committee’s and very involved with community work in the poor areas.
Then it happened…Vic had her blotched back surgery and our lives changed forever. I spent 22 days in the waiting room outside the Intensive Care Unit. My life ground to a halt.
We moved into a downward spiral of hospitals, doctor visits, x-rays, scans, 81 abdominal surgeries, pain, open wounds, hospital bugs, sepsis and wound dressings. I felt over-whelmed and out of control. Doctors and nurses prodding and touching my child. To them she was a commodity. But, to me, she was my life.
Slowly but surely my life changed… I became fixated with finding a “solution” to my child’s devastating health problems. After all, I am a Baby Boomer. We don’t accept bad situations. We find solutions. We sort out problems. I refused to accept the doctors’ prognosis as I did when she was a little girl. I was told that Vic would not live to the age of 12 when she was diagnosed as a toddler… I refused to accept it. Vic not only outlived the prognosis but lived to complete school, get married and give birth to two beautiful boys. The ventilators were turned off and Vic continued to breathe, live….
We went from one doctor to the next. I spend hours every day of my life on the internet looking for solutions and advice; it became a coping mechanism. I worked longer hours in-between surgeries. Quite frankly, work became a crutch. I spent less and less time with my family and friends…I suppose because I felt no-one understood my fear, my despair, my pain…
My fear, despair and pain became my constant companion. My computer and the internet my trusted friend…
One day, about 7 years ago, Jared asked me “Oumie don’t you love your family?”
“Of course I love my family! Why are you asking such a question?” I replied
“Because you are never home….”
I had to sit down and reassess my life. Quite honestly the financial implications of keeping Vic alive and care for her was daunting. I feared going home because I could not handle Vic’s pain…. I knew in my heart there was no cure. The mere thought of Vic suffering for endless years were terrifying! I could not bear to see the fear and helpless desperation in the boys’ eyes.
So contrary to what I have written before, and comments that have been left, I have not been the best mother. There was a time that I ran away. I was petrified of the thought that Vic would suffer for another 40 years…be dependent upon me for another 40 years… There were times that I thought to myself “There has to be more to life!” I felt lost in the in-balance of my life. No matter where I turned it was work and responsibility!
In 2009 my Dad came to live with us. He suffered from Alzheimer’s.
Dad and I
Whilst I reached a maturity level where I realized that being a caregiver is a privilege, not a burden, our lives changed.
I started sleeping downstairs many years ago when Vic was so ill. I was scared I would not hear her if I slept upstairs. I slowly slipped into a habit of working late on my laptop and then falling asleep on the sofa. This continued when my Dad lived with us. I still sleep downstairs on the sofa – waiting for Vic shuffling footsteps down the passage, text messages saying “Can I have something for pain?” or the intercom screeching! The intercom was the 911 call.
I slowly and inextricably slipped into depression. My entire life was dominated by my fears for my child. The caregiving demands steadily increased as the years passed and the situation deteriorated. It became a dark and difficult period for the entire family. We could no longer spontaneously decide to go to dinner, go away for a weekend or even a holiday. Every activity demanded a great deal of planning. We became more and more isolated as a family.
It is natural for family and friends to drift away when a loved one becomes ill. The longer the illness, the longer they stay away. By it’s very nature, caring giving is draining. It is far easier to stay home and rest than socialize outside the home. Isolation can lead to loneliness, depression, and illness. It takes energy and effort to maintain friendships when one feels tired and discouraged.
My salvation was cyberspace. I joined an Alzheimer support group, https://www.caring.com. Without the support group I would never had coped with my dad’s descend into Alzheimer’s. A year ago I started blogging on Vic’s final journey. I have found a cyber-community with parents who also lost children, friends with a word of encouragement, a kind words. I receive advice, support and information from a loving cyber-community.
I however realize that I need re-join life. There are days that I just want to stay on my sofa with a blanket pulled over my head. I fear that if I sleep in a bed I will never get out of it. In the TV lounge there is always people. Whether it be the boys, Danie or the housemaids.
Today I had tea with an old friend. For almost 4 years I have not been able to see her. She has a young son that I have never seen. Our friendship was reduced to the odd phone call or text message. Often she would phone and there would be a crisis with Vic. I would say “I will phone you back” and never get around to it. I isolated myself from friends. I was so miserable and totally absorbed with Vic that no “outsider” could penetrate my “barrier”.
My life centred round my sick child and family.
Despite the trauma of Vic’s death and coming to terms with the horrible loss, my life has changed. I have had tea with my new Magnolia friends and Christelle. We go out to dinner on the spur of the moment; we have been on holiday and I spent 4 days at a Spa with my sister! I have watched Jon-Daniel play hockey matches, started gym and started remodelling the house. I have seen a psychiatrist and take antidepressants. We have started Stepping Stone Hospice.
How amazing is this?
If the truth be known it is not amazing at all. I am dying on the inside. I cry uncontrollably – mostly when everyone has gone to bed. If the boys were not living with us it would have been so different. I KNOW I would still have been in bed. I am consumed with longing for my child. Last night I replayed 100’s of voicemail messages that Vic had left me….
Yesterday morning I teared up – again. Danie asked “And now? What’s wrong?”
“Just missing Vic” I said
“Shame” he said with sadness in his voice. “I miss her too”
We spoke about how my grief had changed over the past four months. Today it is exactly four months since my precious child died. I keep using the words “death and died” and not the gentler “passed”… I do that because death is harsh. My child DIED, she is DEAD. My pain is as real as it was 4 months ago. My grief is however no longer as transparent as it was to the world.
Four months ago when Vic died my body physically hurt. My heart was physically aching. The pain was new. Now my grief is in me, part of me as if it is a limb or organ… My grief is hidden from the world. If I did not tell you, you would never know.
To the world – I seem to have adjusted to the loss of my child. I am “functioning, smiling, carrying on with life”… People are so relieved that they no longer have to cope with my raw grief…
“I never knew my mind could be dominated by a single thought every day for years and still not get in the way of the progress of my life. The hands on the clock continue to turn, and the sunrises every morning.
Even though the grief is not on the surface, the missing is as strong as it ever was. We can’t explain it, but we want to share it. We might not break down, but the strength of the grief never fades.”
We just keep on living with it and do the best we are able to do.”
I miss Vic more today than I did four months ago. I keep looking at photographs of the past couple of years so I can REMEMBER her suffering; I re-read my blog to REMEMBER her suffering; I keep trying to find solace in the fact that she is pain-free. It is becoming more difficult to see the positive side of Vic’s death. My mind is blocking out the horror of her suffering! I am remembering the good times only.
I hear you say “It is good” No, It is not good! If I forget her suffering I will never accept the “need for her to die” element of Vic’s death.
The night that haunts my sister
My sister shared her heartbreak with me…She said that one night when she slept with Vic she woke up to hear Vic talking to me. She said Vic was crying and saying “Mommy I am so sore. I can’t do this anymore” Lorraine said she kept her eyes shut and pretended to sleep because she could not deal with the moment… Why am I forgetting?????? On the 13th of November I posted “Will my poor baby’s hell ever end? If there is a lesson to be learnt PLEASE God show me what it is so I can learn it!! This has come to an end!” https://tersiaburger.com/2012/11/13/signposts-for-dying/
I want my child back with me. I want to hold her, tell her I love her. I want to hear her footsteps in the passage; I want to hear her voice…
Today, the 12th of May 2013, is my first Mother’s Day in 38 years without my precious Vicky.
I attended my sister’s birthday party. I smiled and participated in her birthday and Mother’s Day celebrations. I know that worldwide millions of other mothers joined me today in quietly reflecting on our grief and sadness.
I know that the family and especially Danie were worried about how I will handle Mother’s Day. On Friday morning Danie asked whether he could get me flowers for Mother’s Day as he has done for the past 22 years. I declined.
I know that even though today is dedicated to mothers, entire families will be affected. Fathers too experience grief and yet the world seems to forget about them. Maybe it is because men are so stoic in their grief.
I saw this on a Facebook site – Grieving Mothers, and it really shook me…
I know that Danie is grieving for Vic. He is grieving with the boys and me. He is grieving for us. I know he fears that he lost part of me….
Today I share Mother’s Day with my fellow club members – the grieving mothers of the world. Tonight I will reread 30 odd Mother’s Day Cards and drawings that I received from my precious child over the years. I will cry on my own. I will burn candles for my child and for the moms of Henry, Tommy, Raymond, Phillip, Klysta,Jason, Alex, Matthew, Caitlyn, Morgan, “B”, Jason David, James, Jesse, Steven, Graham, … I will weep for my beautiful grandsons who did not have a mommy to wish a “Happy Mother’s Day” today… I will mourn my Mom – a woman of great strength, beauty and love.
Yet I am filled with gratitude and love for my stepchildren and grandchildren; the messages of love and support that started coming through from friends, family, Vic’s friends and even the boys friends mothers…
My phone started pinging early this morning. I ignored the pings. Danie sneaked into my TV lounge where I was sleeping on the sofa. I closed my eyes and pretended to be asleep. Then my phone rang, and I could not ignore the call… It was Lee-Ann. She said “HI T, I am just phoning to tell you I love you…” I burst into hysterical tears. Poor lee!
Danie brought me letters that the boys had written me… Jared wrote “Dear Oumie, I know we don’t have a reason to celebrate mothers day, other than to remember Mom and all she meant to us. So I have decided that we are changing the name to Oumie’s Day. We got you a sign that says “HOME” . That is because this is OUR home, and it always will be.”
Jon-Daniel wrote: “Happy Mothers Day Oumie” It may not be the happiest time of the year for you. Although your very own child is up in Heaven, you have GRANDchildren. Nothing will ever fill the gap – Mommy’s gap! This is the first year you will be celebrating Mother’s Day without the One who made you a Mommy. It is difficult,you must know I am always here. After all you are our grandmother. The word says it all, “grand” – great, awesome, amazing. And “Mother” – well, no need to describe that. Everybody knows how special a mommy is.”
Henk, second eldest grandson wrote “Ouma, it was a difficult year but you are always here to help and love. You always have a smile no matter how bad things are for you. We are grateful for it, and that is why we love you so much and always will do.”
Yesterday little Simone put her arms around me and said “Thank you for being my Ouma. Thank you for spoiling us. I love you very much. My words are your Mothers Day present.”
I have had beautiful messages of love and caring from all my stepchildren. It has truly filled me with joy.
I also read a card that Vic gave me in 2000 “We have all changed a lot through the years Mommy but one thing will never change – and that is the love between us. It is a special bond that keeps us close no matter where we are. I love you more than words can say.”
I know that today my precious child and Mom are celebrating Mother’s Day together. I am grateful for all the years we were able to celebrate together. I love you and honour you both today. Two amazing mommy’s…
Today, two years ago my best friend died. On the one hand it feels as if a life time has passed and yet it is as if it was yesterday…
There are only a handful of people who come into your world, and touch your life in a dramatic fashion. Some of the people are just flickers of light during a long life, while others are a consistent glow for years. For me, Marlene was my consistent glow.
I met Marlene 27 years ago. We immediately started chatting and never stopped! For 25 years Marlene and I were inseparable. We would be in one another’s company for hours and within 10 minutes of leaving one another, one of us would remember something else that we forgot to mention and call the other. Our first words would be “Hi Poepies, I forgot to tell you…….. “
Marlene was one of the most beautiful people I have ever known. Nobody looked good next to her. At most we merely enhanced her beauty… Marlene was totally unaware of the effect her beauty had on people. She was very, very hard on herself. I miss that beautiful laughter of hers – nobody could laugh (or cry) like my friend.
25 years of friendship!
Marlene was a human SPCA. It is ironic that her heart, that was so big, eventually let her down.
I was privileged to deliver her eulogy. At her memorial service I saw a sea of faces. Old friends, new friends, school friends, work colleagues, family. Marlene had compassion that was scary… always wanting to help – to do… The word “Love” is a verb; not an adjective…Marlene knew that. She lived that knowledge.
She always made her friends and loved ones designer gifts.
Marlene and I agreed many years ago that we would “make” gifts…I thought we would bake biscuits or something… My birthday was the first “homemade” gift event…my dear friend made me a porcelain doll with photos of Vic, the boys and Danie in a necklace…. How could I ever compete with that???
My porcelain doll
Marlene’s personal best friend had to be the phone…She LOVED speaking on her cell regardless of whether she was driving or not…she spoke on the phone every spare minute she had. Marlene and Sonja spoke from the crack of dawn… I am a late starter, but we spoke until late at night. On the Tuesday of her death I spoke to her at 10:45am – I started phoning her just after 3pm because I was in Marlene chat withdrawal…Needless to say I think Marlene was already chatting to angel Gabriel and boy did she have a lot that she wanted to tell him…
Christmas was Marlene’s favourite time of the year. For decades our families celebrated Christmas together. Her home looked like SANTALAND.. Marlene was an amazing cook. She had a standing rule – everyone had to have two helpings of food to qualify for dessert! She was an amazing hostess.
Marlene helping me “get married”
Marlene had a relationship with God that was a very personal relationship. I don’t know anyone who worked so hard at herself – Marlene strove for perfection…The day she died Marlene was at peace with her God. Marlene is exactly where she has wanted to be for so many years – at the feet of her Heavenly Father.
Marlene was so happy the last couple of weeks of her life – the business had picked up, she had forged beautiful friendships with some of her clients and that was a source of great joy to her; Marlene was at peace in her friendships and was on the brink of a new life with an old friend.
The perfect hostess, the life and soul of a party!
Marlena, I love and miss you. I still feel lost without you. Thank you for a lifetime of chats, unconditional love, all Vic’s school concerts you sat through. Thank you for your loving support with Vic over the years; the times you kept me company when Vic was in hospital. Thank you for “tolerating” my busy house. I KNOW my house drove you crazy with all the grandchildren. Thank you for allowing me to believe that I made better pancakes and fudge than you did…I still don’t trust those statements, but I will give you the benefit of the doubt!
Vic’s Kitchen Tea…
My dearest friend, I hope you are resting at the feet of your Heavenly Father; I hope that you are experiencing the peace that you craved on earth. I hope you and Vic have organized a wonderful anniversary party in Heaven celebrating the Ultimate Event in your life.
Thank you for being here when Vic passed. She told me before she lapsed into a coma that her Gramps and you were in her room; that you were there to guide her on her final journey…
Marlene and Vic at Marlene’s 50th birthday Party
I am selfish when I say “I wish you were here”. I miss you little sister and best friend!
My Mom died 15 years and 11 months ago. She was tiny and petite. I remember my school friends telling me that my Mom reminded them of a fairy princess. My Mom dressed beautifully, had perfectly manicured nails and hair…. She taught us the finer things in life.
My parents
My Mom always worked…she was bright and diligent in her profession as a bookkeeper. She was proud to be a career girl. Mom knitted beautifully and made glorious tapestries!
The surprising thing is that we did not ever feel deprived because Mom worked. I was proud of my mom. As a family, we went on wonderful holidays every single year of our childhoods. We were always the well-dressed kids on the block…We got new bicycles, and we had a beautiful home.
As a child, I thought we were rich. Of course, I knew that many of my parent’s friends lived in seriously nice homes, but somehow I never thought those people were wealthier than we were. Today I realize that I grew up in a middle-class home. As a child, I felt protected and RICH! How amazing is that?
My mother was a remarkable lady. She brought us up to be compassionate, honest people; to never let the sun set on an argument; to love unconditionally, to protect our own… We learnt from her strength, her respect for others, her courage, faithfulness and her love for God. Mom was around for the happy and sad times.
My mom as a young woman
“As mothers and daughters, we are connected with one another. My mother is the bones of my spine, keeping me straight and true. She is my blood, making sure it runs rich and strong. She is the beating of my heart. I cannot now imagine a life without her.”
― Kristin Hannah, Summer Islandhttp://denacronholm.com/
My Mom died after she developed septicaemia post-operatively. It was two agonizing weeks! We sat next to her bed willing her to fight, get well…. To die…
When my Mom died I thought my life was over. The grief was overwhelming. It was my first “real” death. My gran had passed many years ago, but that was my mom’s grief… I was young, ambitious and climbing the corporate ladder. My life went on. I remember my Mom crying at silly times because she was missing her mom. I remember thinking “surely it can’t be that bad? Old people die…”
After my mom died I read these words, “A daughter without her mother is a woman broken. It is a loss that turns to arthritis and settles deep into her bones. ” ― Kristin Hannah, Summer Island.My mom grieved for her mom until the day she died.
I must add that my father was an amazing gentleman. He supported my mom on every level. He treated her like a queen and tolerated no less from us children. I adored my dad! But today’s post is about my mom and motherhood.
I only understood my mom’s love for us after I gave birth to Vic. It was an all-consuming love. I held my tiny baby girl in my arms and knew that she needed me for every one of her needs; she could not survive without me… My mom and I were so close after Vic’s birth. We shared a selfless love that only mothers can understand. As mothers, our children come first; nothing is more important than our child’s comfort, happiness and safety.
Mom, my siblings and I
“Womanhood is a wonderful thing. In womankind we find the mothers of the race. There is no man so great, nor none sunk so low, but once he lay a helpless, innocent babe in a woman’s arms and was dependent on her love and care for his existence. It is woman who rocks the cradle of the world and holds the first affections of mankind. She possesses a power beyond that of a king on his throne.
…Womanhood stands for all that is pure and clean and noble. She who does not make the world better for having lived in it has failed to be all that a woman should be.”
― Mabel Hale, Beautiful Girlhood: A Timeless Guide for Christian Adolescence
I know there are mothers out there that really suck… I know because I have been told by friends that they were never protected or defended by their moms. I am so sad for people who do not have a good relationship with their mothers. I was blessed with an amazing mother and that enabled me to be a good mother to my child. My child was an amazing mother to her sons. She loved her boys with every fibre in her body. She suffered excruciating pain and indignity to stay alive… Vic could have given up much earlier in her life. She fought to live right until the end…why??? It is easy – to bring up her beloved boys herself!
Vic reading to her boys
I am so proud of the mother Vic was. She packed a lifetime of parenting into the little time that she had with her boys. Jon-Daniel’s (14 years) BBM message this morning read “I really do miss you Mommy. I miss the laughs we had and the time we spent together, and I miss talking to you. Love you Mommy.”
A moment in the sun in the Hospital courtyard
The boys are level-headed, clean-living boys. They have taken their mother’s words to heart “I am your mother not your excuse”. Academically they are doing well. Emotionally they are coping. They are beautiful boys and truly do Vic’s memory honour.
I am the last mother alive…there will be no next generation mother to carry forward this miracle of motherhood. The boys may become fathers, but I am the last of a long line of great mothers.
I will think of it on Sunday when millions celebrate Mother’s Day all over the world.
I am so honoured to receive this WordPress Family Award from not one bloggerbut two!! How blessed can I be?
Thank you dear Jane @ http://johannisthinking.com and Shaun @ http://prayingforoneday.wordpress.com/ Both Jane and |Shaun are great bloggers, and their follower figures reflect it. Jane has 375 followers and Shaun 696……I think the reason why they have such great stats is because they care!! They comment, email, care and share. Their blogs are filled with real-world life, happiness, sadness, pain, compassion and laughter… They share their joys and sorrows.
So this award is about being part of the Word press Family!
I started blogging almost a year ago. It was just after my BFF and Dad’s one year anniversary and Vic had made the decision to let nature take its course. It was a difficult time for the family. We were helplessly watching Vic die – little by little every day. Her pain was unbearable.
My blog started off cautiously focussing on Vic’s pain. Tracy @ http://ohwhatapain.wordpress.com/ opened my eyes Vic’s pain – I could “feel” Vic’s pain after I met Tracy; Katie Mitchell @http://connectivetissuedisorders.wordpress.com/ – an incredibly brave young woman who encouraged me when she is in so much pain of her own… I could “see” life through an ill person’s eyes…”feel” her pain through the eyes and words of other Chronic Pain Sufferers.
I grew more comfortable sharing and started blogging more about my fears and emotions… Ultimately about Vic’s death and our grief as a family.
Today I have 210 followers. Many of them have become my cyber family! They love and care for me, my family and my precious Vic. They offer hugs, love, compassion, sympathy and advise. They care unconditionally. They do not criticize my writing, punctuation, spelling or grammar…
I have found friendships and love in cyberspace that I did not know existed. It has also opened my eyes to the fact that there are good people in the world. People who care…. It enabled me to open my heart and life to real life friends too…
I love my blogging family! Love you guys.
I know there are slightly more than 10 nominations. I PRAY I did not omit a precious friend’s blog. If I did, please do not be offended. Blame it on the flu.
Now for a description of the award in the words of the Creator Of The Award:
This is an award for everyone who is part of the “WordPress Family” I started this award on the basis that the WordPress family has taken me in, and showed me love and a caring side only WordPress can show. The way people take a second to be nice, to answer a question and not make things a competition amazes me here. I know I have been given many awards, but I wanted to leave my own legacy on here by creating my own award, as many have done before. This represents “Family” we never meet, but are there for us as family. It is my honor to start this award.” from Shaun @ http://prayingforoneday.wordpress.com/
The Rules:
1. Display the award logo on your blog.
2. Link back to the person who nominated you.
3. Nominate 10 others you see as having an impact on your WordPress experience and family.
4. Let your 10 Family members know you have awarded them. There is a real problem here since this award spread like wildfire but I think I can find ten who should be recognized
5. That is it. Just please pick 10 people who have taken you as a friend, and spread the love.
I have flu. I get ill once in 5 years and I am a ninny. I do not handle pain and discomfort well… I whinge, moan and groan until I am better…
This time I have embraced my flu. I can stay in bed and there is no pressure for me to get up…. I can just lie in bed with my eyes closed and it is okay! For the first time since my precious child died I don’t have to communicate, talk or pretend. I can just be sick!!!! I have spent four days in bed not having to talk, smile or pretend….
I am sick to the core of my soul – not only from the flu but from heartbreak. I was able to feel the loneliness and emptiness that permeates my life since Vic died. For four days I have not had to smile or live – I could lie in bed and hope to die.
There are days that I really do cope. There are days that I am able to smile and laugh. Most of the time I live a lie…
I have made peace with the fact that my precious child’s suffering is over. I know that never again will she fracture vertebrae from vomiting, scream from pain, whimper because she does not have the strength to scream… But all I have done is learnt to accept that Vic was amputated from my life. I still have to learn to live without the amputated part of my body; the pain of the missing part of me continues to taunt me…
I miss my child so much! I want to love and hold her. I wish I could have protected her from the ravages of Osteogenesis Imperfecta and doctor error! No, I don’t have guilt…I did everything I possibly could for my baby girl. I just desperately miss her! I miss her company.
I am hoping that the pain will pass…I do remember the beauty of my precious Vic all the time. The wonderful mother and daughter that she was; kind and gentle; incapable of malice…Her beauty will remain with us for ever.
Tomorrow I will get out of bed and carry on living.
During Vic’s brave journey I have had phenomenal support from Cyber Space. I want to use this opportunity to thank each and every one of my 209 followers for caring, leaving hugs and encouraging comments. I know that Vic’s journey had an effect on many people’s lives. Some found it difficult to follow our journey and others persevered.
Some people wrote me emails, many left encouraging comments, others prayed for us, some wrote beautiful poetry tributes to Vic, some dedicated songs to her…..Many just left “hugs” …. Some of you lit candles for my child, cried with me…
I need you to know how much I appreciated your support, advice and love.
So, contrary to the rules of the award I am not awarding the award to six bloggers. I am awarding it to all my blogger friends. Thank you for your love, compassion, advice, kindness, love and support. I could never have gotten through this terrible time without your love and support. From the bottom of my heart “THANK YOU!”
I would be remiss in thanking my beautiful Vic for the honour and privilege of being your Mom. I love you with all my heart and always will.
RULES :
1. As usual a big thank you and a link back to the person who nominated you.
2. Mention 5 things you would like to do with your life, no matter how mad or tame.
3. Nominate six bloggers and say why they have left their mark on you. Hence the name “The Thank You Award”
4. Let them know.
5. Say a big THANK YOU TO EVERYONE ON WORDPRESS!!
5 Things about me that are Mad or Tame
1. I got a motorbike for my 50th birthday
2. I would rather travel to a war-torn country like Afghanistan than any European country
3. I want to be the oldest person ever to parachute
4. I love travelling and exploring on my own
5. I will eat oleander leaves if I am I ever diagnosed with Alzheimer’s.
I thank each and every one of you. If you are reading this PLEASE accept the award and pass it forward.
I now nominate all my Blogger Friends for the THANK YOU AWARD… I thank you all!
I have been very slack and decided before I depart this world from this vicious flu-virus that I have contracted, I should get my affairs in order and accept all my awards.I apologise profusely for only accepting now. I LOVE getting awards, but I find it so difficult to pass the award on to so few bloggers. So I have come up with a strategy of saving my awards and doing it one-shot and hopefully I will not leave any one out… If I do – It is the flu…I received the Best Moment Award from two amazing bloggers – Jane – johannisthinking and Shaun http://prayingforoneday.wordpress.com/2013/04/10/best-moment-award-2/
Three Time Winner
Awarding the people who live in the moment,
the noble who write and capture the best in life,
the bold who reminded us what really mattered –
Savouring the experience of quality time.
I would like to thank two of my dear blogger friends for this amazing award. I dedicate this award to my precious child who is the reason and inspiration behind my blog. I started my blog when Vic was going mad with pain, and I was still fighting the system to get her into a Hospice Program.
Shaun has more than 670 followers after only blogging for a couple of months…He is articulate, bright, honest, sensitive and an amazing friend and blogger. I have so much respect for this young man who has overcome so much tragedy and hardship in his life. His love for Dawn and his children radiates from his blog.
The second is Wisconsin native Jane Johann, is a retired Reading Specialist and Language Arts Teacher. Jane received her undergraduate degree from Marquette University, where she earned a B.A., majoring in English Literature and a minor in Secondary Education (1974). She attained her M.A. as a Specialist in the Acquisition of Language and Reading Instruction, K-12, graduate of Cardinal Stritch University (1994).
I have never had any formal training – I just write from my heart. What I am trying to say is that Jane has every reason in the world to be a literary snob. Jane however is a kind, generous and compassionate friend. She writes to me and always has kind and encouraging words for me. I find peace in Jane’s writing. She cares deeply for others whilst she seeks “light, love and truth within ourselves is paramount to receiving the light, the truth and the love in others. Only in first accepting our worth, we will then be open to accepting the worth of others. Only in first loving and caring for ourselves, will we better equipped to love and care for others. I try to keep in mind the words of Kahlil Gibran, “It is not that God lives in us, rather we live in the heart of God!” Understanding that we all are part of each other, hopefully we will create a better world.”
Shaun and Jane thank you for honouring me with this wonderful award. I humbly accept.
The WordPress Bloggers that I nominate for this award are:
Wendie Jeanne Deacon at http://deaconfamilyblog.wordpress.com/an-angel-named-vic/. Wendie is a new blogger. I actually don’t know how she found my blog but I am grateful that she did. Wendie has fallen under Vic’s spell! Wendie is a very, very brave young woman. I cannot share her bravery and determination with you because she shared it with me in private correspondence. Wendie you are great. Thank you for your tribute to Vic and your friendship! I hope that you will blog about your challenges so the world can learn from you.
2. Krista – http://wordstohealthepain.wordpress.com is a young woman who is battling to come to terms with the death of her fiancé and soul mate. She is a new blogger too and can do with some support. She writes well. “Grief is a solitary journey. No one but you knows how great the hurt is. No one but you can know the gaping hole left in your life when someone you know has died. And no one but you can mourn the silence that was once filled with laughter and song. It is the nature of love and death to touch every person in a totally unique way ~~ Unknown”
Lori at http://letstalkaboutfamily.wordpress.com/was her late Mom’s advocate and caregiver. Her beloved father suffers from Alzheimer’s and Lori suffers from debilitating back problems. Lori is caring and understands the stresses of caregiving. Lori blogs about elder care, death and dying, assisted living, family relationships, hoarders and hoarding. She is an excellent blogger.
http://ericalagan.net is a gifted engineer who writes beautiful poetry about Life, Love and Family – giving these profound topics a boy’s/man’s point of view. This brave man writes “Yes, men do remain faithful to their loved one and men do cry.”
Gloria at http://grannyscolorful.wordpress.com is an amazing friend. Gloria always leaves a word of encouragement after reading my posts. She writes about her sadness after her son’s death, her anger, depression and the rare happy day. Gloria is a very colourful blogger and I encourage you to visit her blog.
Emmitt Owen Riley at http://mysteryoriley.com/dear-grieving-parents/ is a blog that gives one a glimpse of how these parents are coping with their journey of unbelievable grief, loss, and mystery after the mysterious death of their 20-year-old son. Truly a brave blog.
Mary Russell blogs her Journey Through Grief after the sad death of her son. It is poignant and raw blog yet filled with courage and hope. Thank you for blogging your pain Mary. http://maryrussell12.wordpress.com/
Mel Lefebvre at http://hopethebean.wordpress.com is blogging her pregnancy. She lost her precious baby, Henry, to Osteogenesis Imperfecta. It is the genetic disorder that my precious Vic was born with. This blog is about hope, fear, more hope and love. Please hold Mel in your prayers. Love you Mel!!
Diana at http://talktodiana.wordpress.com/ ‘s blog is a wonderfully upbeat blog. I love the quote section! “Never stand begging for that which you have the power to earn.” – Miguel de Cervantes is just one of many! Great fun. Thank you Diana for featuring Vic’s journey (and my blog)on http://talktodiana.wordpress.com/2013/04/12/friday-pick-46/ . It meant so much to me!!!
Jane at http://janevanwyk.wordpress.com/ blogs about her daughter DD and her daughter’s illness. She is a brand new blogger and I am giving her this award to encourage her to come back and continue blogging.
Kelly at http://nevercryoverspilledmilk.com is a single mom who bravely battles chronic pain. She makes the brave statement “you can’t cry over the small things and you have to look at the big picture.” Kelly you are a brave young woman.
Victoria Bruce at http://furrynuff.wordpress.com/ is a fellow South African blogger with my Vic’s names…I love commenting on her excellent posts because I get to type “Victoria Bruce”….She also happens to be a great blogger. I hope you accept this award Victoria Bruce.
Jonathan at http://afathershope.com/ eloquently writes about his grief when his baby daughter was born without kidneys. Jonathan writes from a father’s perspective. He admits to his raw pain and shares how he copes with his grief. It is a blog of hope.
Denise at http://forphilip.wordpress.com/ blogs about her raw, undiluted pain after the death of her son, Phillip. It is a difficult blog because she so perfectly articulates my pain, anger and longing. Diane I hope you will accept this award.
MJgoodburn at http://mymomsmemoirs.wordpress.com shares her mom’s final journey and the trauma within the family. It is a difficult journey…
http://behindthemaskofabuse.com is a heart wrenching blog about a woman’s life of abuse. She was raised by a narcissistic father, and a mother who rarely protected her from his verbal, mental , emotional and psychological abuse. She endured molestation, both inside and outside the family setting, raped at the tender age of 11 years old. This blog is written by an amazing person. A strong person battling recovery, anger and betrayal. She battles C-PTSD and BDD. Out of her pain two books were born and are published on Amazon “Buckwheatsrisk-Abuse Survival”, and a poetry book entitled “If I Could Write my Heart” I salute you!
Alison at http://happilyhomeless2.wordpress.com ‘s Handsome Husband died on the 21st of April from cancer. She is going through a dreadful time. She is angry, very angry… Alison I don’t expect you to do anything with this award but I am nominating you so you can know I am thinking of you. Hugs of strength to you.
Optie at http://walking-on-eggshells.com is another fellow South African whose blog I enjoy for her humour. Optie has however also been an amazing friend – always leaving a little message of encouragement. Thank you Optie.
RULES:
Winners re-post this completely, with their acceptance speech. That could be written down or video recorded.
Winners have the privilege of awarding the next awardees! The re-post should include a NEW list of people, blogs worthy of the award, and winners. Notify them the great news.
What makes a good acceptance speech?
Gratitude. Thank the people who helped you along the way.
Humour-Keep us entertained and smiling.
Inspiration – Make your story touch our lives.
Get an idea from the great acceptance speech, compiled in MomentMatters.com/speech
Display the award’s badge on your blog/website, downloadable in MomentMatters.com/Award
I would like to encourage you to visit some of these blogs. It will be a worthwhile visit…
Stepping Stone Hospice is the name of the Hospice that we started as a tribute to Vic’s journey. It is the only thing that makes sense – why else would my child have suffered so long and hard?
I am busy with the website for Stepping Stone Hospice and accidentally came across this beautiful poem…I share it with you.
If any of you talented bloggers out there have appropriate poetry that we could publish on our website please send it to me. We will link it back to you.
The Menu will contain a Grieving and Bereavement Folder and I would like a “Poems of Love and Compassion” Section.
Please help.
Together We Walk the Stepping Stones – by Barb Williams
Come, take my hand, the road is long.
We must travel by stepping stones.
No, you’re not alone. I’ve been there.
Don’t fear the darkness. I’ll be with you.
We must take one step at a time.
But remember, we may have to stop awhile.
It’s a long way to the other side
And there are many obstacles.
We have many stones to cross.
Some are bigger than others.
Shock, denial, and anger to start.
Then comes guilt, despair, and loneliness.
It’s a hard road to travel, but it must be done.
It’s the only way to reach the other side.
Come, slip your hand in mind.
What? Oh, yes, it’s strong.
I’ve held so many hands like yours.
Yes, mine was once small and weak like yours.
Once, you see, I had to take someone’s hand
In order to take the first step.
Oops! You’ve stumbled. Go ahead and cry.
Don’t be ashamed. I understand.
Let’s wait here awhile so that you can get your breath.
When you’re stronger, we’ll go on, one step at a time.
There’s no need to hurry.
Say, it’s nice to hear you laugh.
Yes, I agree, the memories you shared are good.
Look, we’re halfway there now.
I can see the other side.
It looks so warm and sunny.
On, have you noticed? We’re nearing the last stone
And you’re standing alone.
And look, your hand, you’ve let go of mine.
We’ve reached the other side.
But wait, look back, someone is standing there.
They are alone and want to cross the stepping stones.
I’d better go. They need my help.
What? Are you sure?
Why, yes, go ahead. I’ll wait.
You know the way.
You’ve been there.
Yes, I agree. It’s your turn, my friend . . .
To help someone else cross the stepping stones.
When my brave daughter planned her memorial service she specified these words of wisdom to be in the funeral letter. It was a personal note from Vic to us. I wonder how many people actually realized it?
Reason, Season and Lifetime …
People always come into your life for a reason, a season, or a lifetime. When you figure out which it is, you know exactly what to do. …
When someone is in your life for a REASON, it is usually to meet a need you have expressed outwardly or inwardly. They have come to assist you through a difficulty, or to provide you with guidance and support, to aid you physically, emotionally, or even spiritually. They may seem like a godsend to you, and they are. They are there for the reason you need them to be. …
Then, without any wrong doing on your part or at an inconvenient time, this person will say or do something to bring the relationship to an end. …
Sometimes they die. Sometimes they just walk away. Sometimes they act up or out and force you to take a stand. What we must realize is that our need has been met, our desire fulfilled; their work is done. The prayer you sent up has been answered and it is now time to move on. …
When people come into your life for a SEASON, it is because your turn has come to share, grow, or learn. They may bring you an experience of peace or make you laugh. They may teach you something you have never done. They usually give you an unbelievable amount of joy. Believe it! It is real! But, only for a season. And like Spring turns to Summer and Summer to Fall, the season eventually ends. …
LIFETIME relationships teach you lifetime lessons; those things you must build upon in order to have a solid emotional foundation. Your job is to accept the lesson, love the person/people (anyway); and put what you have learned to use in all other relationships and areas in your life. It is said that love is blind, but friendship is clairvoyant.
Thank you for being part of my life.
Love
Vicky
When I read this the first time I categorized people in to the Reason; Season and Lifetime categories… I clearly remembered and recognized the “Reason” and “Season” friends… I found that the “Reason” people were people who crossed my path early in my life… I almost felt that it was old work colleagues, school friends, childhood neighbours. Character defining people who either moved on or were left behind by me.
A “Season” can be defined as an hour, day, week, year, or several years. Maybe even part of a lifetime, but it will at some time fade out and for no real reason. The “Seasoners” will bring you an unbelievable amount of joy. Believe it. It is real. But only for a season. The season relationship is not something to force or cling to… It dies naturally and through no fault of either person.
Lifetime friendships offer not only good times, but also survives bad times, offers times for growth and challenge. The friendship grows over time, and a deep abiding bond develops – a love which sustains both people in the friendship. They become members of your family. They may be people with whom you’ve grown up or met yesterday, but they will be there “until death do us part”.
I stood in front of the church flanked by my grandsons when I delivered my precious child’s eulogy. I looked at the people and recognised the “Reasoners, Seasoners and Life timers…”
I saw so many Life Timers who truly loved Vic until death saved her from more pain and suffering. Friends that never abandoned her, patiently waited for a good day to see her… Friends quietly crying tears of deep sorrow and loss….
I remembered why Vic chose this poem, in 2003, to be in her funeral letter. She wanted to thank each and every person for the role they played in her life. She wanted people to know that she clearly saw and accepted this truth. She felt great sorrow when someones time with her ended. It’s only natural when we come to love someone to want them to be there forever. Vic clung to relationships and friendships way past their “expiry” date. She mourned her losses.
Vic did however learn that very valuable life lesson – to be grateful for whatever time she was granted with those she cared about. Vic clung to life to extend her time with the “life timers”…
My beautiful Vic
Death had to pry her fingers from Life and her Life Timers…
Does time really heal all wounds? Mothers who have lost a child to death assure us that “it will get better.” Friends and loved ones have started telling me that “it is time to get over it and get on with life.”
Researchers say that a mother never ceases mourning the death of her child. I believe this finding.
In those immediate hours, after my precious child’s death, time stopped. My life ground to a halt.
At Vic’s Memorial Service I was amazed that people rushed off after the service and tea to meetings, to pick up children from school…I remember thinking that everyone had already moved on…
I stood next to the hearse not wanting it to leave. I rested my hand on the wood of the casket…I wanted to pull my child out of that darn coffin and wrap her in my arms. I was not ready to say goodbye.
Today it is 100 days filled with searing pain and longing since Vic left home for the last time.
I have begun to mark time differently. I count the number of days, weeks and months that I have mourned and missed my child.
I know that every day that passes is one day closer to me being with my beloved child again. I know that Vic’s suffering is over; I know that it is for the best that Vic’s dreadful pain filled life is over…. It does not make my mourning less.
So today I am burning candles for my child. I am praying that my child is at peace. I am praying for grace to endure this longing. I pray that I will have the strength to continue honouring Vic’s memory….
I pray that I will be worthy of the trust she put in me to look after her precious boys.
On the surface it appears as if the boys are coping well. I heard a comment from a teacher this week saying that, despite the trauma they went through with Vic’s death this year, they are actually doing better than last year.
It was so difficult watching her suffering!
So today, once again, I say “Rest in Peace my beautiful Angel Child”
Today was an amazing day. I desperately miss my beautiful child.
I woke up early this morning remembering that I had a 8am meeting with the Hospice Bereavement Councillor or psychiatrist, whatever you prefer to call Alan. I looked at the time on my cell phone (can’t read my watch without my glasses) and thought to myself
“Hmmm, I need 45 minutes travelling time, 30 minutes to shower, dress, do my make-up and 15 minutes for breakfast and tea…”
I lay there in my war bed and decided I would be very rude and I would LIE – I would let Alan know I am stuck in the traffic… Writing this I am so ashamed for blatantly lying to this good man but it is done! I cannot undo the lie or my decision not to go… I will however confess if I see him again.
My first business appointment of the day was at 11am so I decided to lie in and check my emails in bed. There was a comment on one of my first posts…I reread the post and the next and the next and the next… I reread every one of the 335 posts I had written.
Other times, when I reread any of my journal entries or blog posts, I teared up. Today I did not. I was filled with relief.
I reread my baby girl’s journey filled with unbearable pain, suffering, discomfort, loneliness and indignity. The more I read the more I realised how selfish I was being. I took cognisance of the fact that in the early days of my blog I was careful with my words… Today I realised how much was never written. I was shocked at how little I had actually written of Vic’s pain… I remembered my child’s screams of pain and tears … I remembered how I prayed that her dreadful journey would end.
Today I was grateful that her suffering was over!
Does that mean I am “over” the death of my child? No! No! No! But I am at peace today that Vic is free of pain…
I missed her today as I will tomorrow, the day after tomorrow, next year and forever!
Vic and I
23.5.2012
At about 01:00 this morning Vic came into my room and got into bed with me. Her tummy was cramping badly and she was scared. She just lay with me for a long time, sobbing and talking about her fears.
E.H.Chapin said: “Out of suffering have emerged the strongest souls, the most massive characters are seamed with scars”…
Sobbing her little heart out she expressed her fear of how Danie and I will cope with her death… She asked me to remind Jon-Daniel of how he made her laugh when she was sad, Jared how much he helped her…
She told me I will have to be stricter with the boys after she is gone… She asks me to deliver her eulogy at her funeral…
Today was a day out of hell for Vicky. She is deadly pale – she actually has a ghost like appearance. She was so ill that she was unable to take pain medication and now her pain is out of control.
It is 20:00 and Vic has been fed, changed, powdered and medicated. She screamed with pain when I changed her. Seeing my child sick and in pain, every day of her life , kills me. I am dying, painfully slowly from my child’s pain. https://tersiaburger.com/2012/07/09/i-am-dying-9-7-2012/
12.8.2012
Vic is still a very sick little girl. The fact that her pain is better controlled does not mean that she is well. If any of us had spent the amount of time vomiting and cramping that she has this week we would be in bed hooked up to an IV and praying for death. This week Vic’s amazing resilience again amazed me. She is strong beyond comprehension!
My heart bleeds for her that her fragile body has once again failed her incredible will to live. It is clear that she is merely holding onto life, as she knows it, with her fingertips……
I will go to the meeting with Prof Froehlich and continue my fight for Hospice to become involved. Vic will never function on any level again. She is confined to bed relying on medication to keep her sane. Maybe she will have a good couple of days here or there but her sentence has not been commuted. https://tersiaburger.com/2012/08/12/mommy-i-broke-my-back/
Schedule 6 medication – 28 days supplyRest of Vic’s medication – decanted
21.8.2012
Every day of her life countless indignities are heaped upon her. She is dependant for everything from medication, care, food and money. Poor poppet! Death is always in the foreground of her mind. Either fear of dying and at times fear of not dying.
I don’t really know what I set out to articulate in this blog but writing has once again reminded me what a pitiful life Vic has. My poor, poor little baby! No-one in the world deserves her life! But we will never abandon her – ever!
This evening she asked if she could have her injection a little earlier. Jared is going back to theatre tomorrow morning to have his stent removed. “Mommy, I need to try and sleep so I can be with my son tomorrow”
It is as if her wish triggered an avalanche of events.
Vic has been projectile vomiting since, and the perspiration is pouring off her. Her heart is racing, and her blood pressure is all over. Her abdomen is so distended and extremely tender on the abscess side!
Vic will not be at her son’s side tomorrow when he is readmitted to hospital.
Life has ground to a slow, agonizing halt… Vic floats from one pain filled day in bed to the next. When she has a good and busy day, like yesterday, she pays the price for weeks. Vic has not been out of bed today. She is deadly pale and drawn.
It is hard for her not having privacy. Vic is embarrassed that I hold her hair or wipe her face when she is vomiting. Yet she needs me with her….
We are however in this together as a family. It is a rough journey for everyone.
“I am so sorry Mommy…” …it echoes through my heart.
We have already had so many “extra” years. But the fact remains that Vic is ill. Today she is more ill than yesterday or even last week or last month. It is not an UTI causing the pain and fever. Her pain control is good enough to mask symptoms. Waves of severe nausea and cramping remain…
I don’t even want to consider the possibility that the pain is caused by Vic’s organs slowly starting to shut down….. One organ after another…. I have read that it feels “uncomfortable”. It is called terminal agitation.
There have been times in the past couple of months that all Vic can do is lie in bed and breathe. Completing simple tasks is a cause for celebration….if Vic is able to get out of bed, showers and put on clothes, all in the same day, it is a major achievement. There have been days (few and very far in-between) that she has been well enough to pick up the boys from school, take them for a milk shake. She attended Jared’s confirmation and Jon-Daniel’s prize giving… We are so grateful for the good days!
Vic is going through a grieving stage where she (once again) is experiencing profound grief for the life that she had known and which has been lost forever. Vic is feeling lost and confused. She is on the down ride hurdling to who knows what stage of her journey.
Vic is so sad that she is unable to actively participate in her children’s lives. Most friends have stopped calling. Her sense of identity is blurred. She has been reduced from being a wife and mother to “a child”. https://tersiaburger.com/2012/10/21/vics-roller-coaster/
Mothersday 2012
14.11.2012
Vic had a night out of hell! The nausea was vicious and unrelenting. Pain reduced Vic to a whimpering bundle of human flesh.
Vic’s palliative Care physician, Dr Sue, visited Vic this morning. I think she was a little taken aback by Vic’s condition.
Sue is an amazing person. She was so gentle with Vic. Vic’s heart rate is fast and her blood pressure is 101/58. Vic has a bronchial infection, her liver is taking severe strain and the sepsis has flared up – badly. Her oxygen saturation levels are low – 90%.
Sue gently explained that although Vic is running a fever her body’s “warning systems” have started shutting down….. Vic is very warm to the touch, yet the thermometer only reflects a temperature of 36.8⁰.
Vic is having a lousy day. She is exhausted and very swollen. Despite the injections she has been nauseous all day. This evening she had another vomiting bout. Tomorrow we will see Dr Sue again. Just maybe there is a 3rd anti-nausea type injection available
Vic also complained of a terrible “acidic” feeling.
Hospice has just fitted a subcutaneous driver – again. Vic’s pain has spiralled out of control over the past couple of days.
Vic was in absolute excruciating pain during the night. She battled to breath.
“Help me Mommy! I can’t stand the pain anymore…”
I lay next to her and put constant pressure on the area that hurt most. It was just below her ribcage – liver. “Oh Mommy, it is so sore. Can you feel how sore it is?
As a little girl Vic used to believe that I could “feel” her pain…
“Feel how sore my toe is Mommy…”
As I lay there with my hand on her “sore” I wished with every fibre in my body that I could lay my hand on her sick body and soak up the pain and disease. It cannot be so I look for a new spot on her bum to stick in a needle. https://tersiaburger.com/2012/11/27/mommy-can-you-feel-how-sore-it-is/
3.12.2012
Today I looked at her and fear struck at my heart. My child is slowly slipping away. Her little body is tired of the pain. Her little organs are enlarged and diseased. Her bones weak….
And the realisation hit home…. We need another miracle.
Sue gave us a script for Pethidine. We will alternate the morphine and Pethidine six-hourly. The poor pharmacist…. She went into shock when she heard that the morphine is NOT being replaced by the Pethidine… that it is in addition to the morphine.
Now it is only a matter of time. Vic’s organs are slowly shutting down. My child is gently being eased into death.
The entire day it echoed through my mind “we cannot stop this. It is happening”
Vic is calm and serene.
“Next year my mom and I are going to Italy” she told Sue today.
12:42am and Vic is sleeping peacefully. She had a “good” day. In between her naps she had lunch with a friend, a visit from Esther and a walk in the garden with Jared!
Vic’s legs are growing very weak. The cellulitis on her arm has worsened despite the antibiotics. It is now oozing pus. Sr Siza will see her tomorrow, and I believe Vic will have to go onto IV antibiotics. She had a violent vomiting spell just after she took her antibiotic tablets tonight. It is very difficult for her to keep tablets and food down. Despite the six-hourly anti-nausea injections she has…. And of course there is the problem of the poor absorption.
Vic’s arm is very painful. The antibiotics have not started working yet. Dr Sue will come and see her tomorrow morning, and we will then decide whether it warrants hospitalization. Obviously Vic need intravenous antibiotics and her tissue is too poor….
I ran down the passage knowing that my poor child had vomited again. The poor little thing was standing in the shower covered in her 7 pm dinner and antibiotic tablets. The food had not digested at all. She was shivering and crying.
I cleaned up whilst Vic showered.
“I am sorry Mommy. I am so sorry Mommy”… Vic sobbed.
“I can’t do this anymore Mommy. I don’t want to live like this anymore….”
I eventually got into bed at 5am. Three hours sleep used to be enough sleep when I was younger. I think I am getting old. I need more than 3 hours. Maybe it is time to look at a night nurse…..
Hospice called early this morning. The antibiotics have been changed to IM injections. We cannot put up an IV drip. Sr Siza told Vic she should be admitted to hospital to have the abscess lanced and drained. Vic refused. “No more hospitals. Mommy you promised…”
Monday morning Dr Sue will come to the house and do the procedure here.
Today has been a very, very bad day. Sr Siza was here when Vic had a violent vomiting spell. Yesterday Vic fractured a vertebra again. Her pain is out of control. Her breathing was shallow.
“I don’t want Jon-Daniel to see me now Mommy. It freaks him out when I can’t breathe” Vic pleaded
I lay behind her back, gently holding her whilst the tears wracked through her little body.
“I don’t want to die Mommy. If only I can live for another year….. But I am so tired!” Vic softly cried
Vic has been vomiting non-stop. The acid has burnt the inside of her mouth. Her derriere is so lumpy, black and blue from the constant injections. Sr Siza popped in. She examined Vic and started drawing up a Clopamon and Morphine injection.
“Please Sister, not my bum. Please do it on my thigh.”
Vic no longer has an appetite. She is sleeping at least 20 out of 24 hours. Vic is very warm to the touch and appears flushed. The thermometer reflects a temperature of 37 degrees C.
“Do you understand what your body is telling you Vic?” Siza asked
Jon-Daniel telling his Mommy he received his honours blazer
2.1.2013
Vic is having a strange day… Her blood pressure is all over; her heart races and then slows down.
“Something is wrong mommy.”
This evening Vic double checked with me whether I remembered which hymns had to be sung at her memorial service. She cried when she (again) named her pallbearers. “Please don’t let me lie in a refrigerator for a long time Mommy…Let them cremate me as quickly as possible” https://tersiaburger.com/2013/01/02/sisters-by-heart/
Jared just quietly sitting with his mommy
1.7.2012
Vic worries about the family’s ability to cope with her illness and eventual death. When Jared whispered to her “Mommy, I want your face to be the first thing I see when I wake up from the operation” he validated her fears…
Vic often says “You know Mom I worry how Daddy is going to cope with my death…” or “Mommy, do you think the boys will cope without me?” or “Promise me you will go for counselling when it is over…”
No amount of reassurance will comfort her…Vic in time will have to let go. She knows how deeply we love her and what void her passing will leave in all our lives. If you lose a marriage partner it is possible to find another partner and experience love again but if you lose a child or parent…how do you replace a child or parent?
Vic is quite hard on the boys (for their own good I must add). She always says “I am your Mother not your excuse”
And then on the 10 th of September 2012 I blogged the words that I want to repeat today…
So baby, if you read this post, know that we will miss you. We don’t want you to leave us behind but we want your suffering to end. We will continue to love you until we are reunited one day. You have to trust us that you will always be “my baby” and the boys’ mummy. But know that we will be grateful when your little body is freed from its pain and suffering. You will be at peace… You will not suffer more pain after death. We will mourn you, but we will also be at peace… We will think of you and smile…
Vic's Final Journey 