I feel death coming closer…

Today I read the post of a very dear blogger friend. She is an unbelievably strong and resilient woman who is dying from congenital heart failure. She is a medical professional who served her country bravely. Sandra is married to an amazing man, and she loves his children dearly. They are a great source of joy to her.

I have just re-read most of Sandra’s old posts. It filled me with sadness reading her brave posts, an almost intellectual outlook on death… My friend is not a stranger to death. As a medical professional she encountered death often. Death in every form, indiscriminate of age, colour or creed.

Sandra posted : how to die? I have watched many die over the years and the range is as you would imagine. there were those that just could not let go and suffered every indignity to their body and soul. of course others went quietly with love around them. I have not decided if I want to be alone or with loved ones by my side. is there a way to make it easier for them? would they rather receive a phone call with the news or be at bedside? either way it will hurt them, not me of course as I am the one leaving. I would be lying if I said I don’t think of how I will miss so much. the thing is I have had so much, so much more than others and it seems selfish to complain. what they will go through is tremendous compared to what I will go through. I will sleep eternally and they will live. the best I can hope for them is peace of mind and future happiness. I want them to think of me and smile as I do now thinking of them. http://thedrsays.org/2011/03/25/

When I read this post I recognised the same almost detached approach to death that Vic had…As emotionally intelligent people Vic and Sandra look at death and know that their loved ones are the ones who will suffer the loss. Vic so often expressed her concern for her loved ones who would be left behind. My friend does the same in her posts…

Sandra wrote:

I believe and hope that I will die with dignity,

we are not born with fear and so we can die without fear. I think a lot of us are not so much afraid of dying as we are of not being remembered. it is only human to hope that our kids will have some fond memory, our grandkids, friends and maybe even some people who just passed through on the way to somewhere else. I would like to think there will be some fond memories of me. Chris is going to have a memorial at our home (I think) for me. I have asked for a celebration of my life. remember me as I am a real person with some good some bad and some … that should maybe stay in the vault:)

http://thedrsays.org/2011/04/

Today she posted: “for tonight i am not going to lie to you. i feel death coming closer, i hear the bear growl. at times i think i may see her but then she moves a little and we continue down this path. the toxins are working their way through my body to the skin where they are sores that itch and bleed. i have these toxins because my liver and kidneys are not working the way they should. my liver is enlarged and causes great pain. it is like having the worst charlie horse you have ever experienced just under your ribcage on the right side of your body. of course the spleen takes up its chorus on the left side and the kidneys can be felt in more places than you think and may be different in different people. i am so weak at times that just standing takes a monumental effort. my arms and legs can turn to shaking jello. sometimes my eyes won’t focus and my mind is hard to clear. forget about reading or even looking at the temp control on the wall.” http://thedrsays.org/2013/04/29/sex-lies-and-videotapes/

I am re-living Vic’s final journey with this precious, brave woman.

The purpose of my post is to thank Sandra for her friendship, support, guidance, compassion and advice over the past year. Often when I vented about Vic being stubborn or ill Sandra would gently advise me from a terminally ill person’s point of view. She opened my eyes to so much of my child’s emotions and personal struggle… She knows because it is her journey too.

My friend is a medical professional and KNOWS what is happening in her body. Vic knew too…

In November 2012 Vic started saying that death was close…she would not bounce back this time…and now my friend says “I feel death coming closer…”

Oh my friend what can I say? I know the emotional agony that Vic went through when she was where you are now. I wish I could give you some of my health. I wish I could wave a magic wand, and you would have more time. We both know I cannot do any of this.

Please know I hold you in my heart. I am sad that your journey is almost over. I am so sad for the dreadful pain you are in. I hope you are having pro-active symptom control.

I want to thank you today whilst you are strong enough to hear my words. Thank you for your friendship, compassion and support over the past couple of months.

I think you are incredibly brave, and you remind me of Vic…Stubborn, compassionate, intelligent…amazing! I hope that you will meet her when it is your time to cross over. Please know that I treasure you as a dear friend.

I pray for a miracle, that you will have lots of time, pain-free days. Know that you are loved and admired. I wish we had met.

I am not saying goodbye – just thank you for being a wonderful friend

To all my blogger friends out there – please pray for Sandra and Chris….

Seasons and Reasons

When my brave daughter planned her memorial service she specified these words of wisdom to be in the funeral letter. It was a personal note from Vic to us. I wonder how many people actually realized it?

Reason, Season and Lifetime …

People always come into your life for a reason, a season, or a lifetime.
When you figure out which it is, you know exactly what to do.
…

When someone is in your life for a REASON,
it is usually to meet a need you have expressed outwardly or inwardly.
They have come to assist you through a difficulty,
or to provide you with guidance and support,
to aid you physically, emotionally, or even spiritually.
They may seem like a godsend to you, and they are.
They are there for the reason you need them to be.
…

Then, without any wrong doing on your part or at an inconvenient time,
this person will say or do something to bring the relationship to an end.
…

Sometimes they die. Sometimes they just walk away.
Sometimes they act up or out and force you to take a stand.
What we must realize is that our need has been met, our desire fulfilled; their work is done.
The prayer you sent up has been answered and it is now time to move on.
…

When people come into your life for a SEASON,
it is because your turn has come to share, grow, or learn.
They may bring you an experience of peace or make you laugh.
They may teach you something you have never done.
They usually give you an unbelievable amount of joy.
Believe it! It is real! But, only for a season.
And like Spring turns to Summer and Summer to Fall,
the season eventually ends.
…

LIFETIME relationships teach you lifetime lessons;
those things you must build upon in order to have a solid emotional foundation.
Your job is to accept the lesson, love the person/people (anyway);
and put what you have learned to use in all other relationships and areas in your life.
It is said that love is blind, but friendship is clairvoyant.

Thank you for being part of my life.

Love

Vicky

When I read this the first time I categorized people in to the Reason; Season and Lifetime categories… I clearly remembered and recognized the “Reason” and “Season” friends… I found that the “Reason” people were people who crossed my path early in my life… I almost felt that it was old work colleagues, school friends, childhood neighbours. Character defining people who either moved on or were left behind by me.

A “Season” can be defined as an hour, day, week, year, or several years. Maybe even part of a lifetime, but it will at some time fade out and for no real reason. The “Seasoners” will bring you an unbelievable amount of joy. Believe it. It is real. But only for a season. The season relationship is not something to force or cling to… It dies naturally and through no fault of either person.

Lifetime friendships offer not only good times, but also survives bad times, offers times for growth and challenge. The friendship grows over time, and a deep abiding bond develops – a love which sustains both people in the friendship. They become members of your family. They may be people with whom you’ve grown up or met yesterday, but they will be there “until death do us part”.

I stood in front of the church flanked by my grandsons when I delivered my precious child’s eulogy. I looked at the people and recognised the “Reasoners, Seasoners and Life timers…”

I saw so many Life Timers who truly loved Vic until death saved her from more pain and suffering. Friends that never abandoned her, patiently waited for a good day to see her… Friends quietly crying tears of deep sorrow and loss….

I remembered why Vic chose this poem, in 2003, to be in her funeral letter. She wanted to thank each and every person for the role they played in her life. She wanted people to know that she clearly saw and accepted this truth. She felt great sorrow when someones time with her ended. It’s only natural when we come to love someone to want them to be there forever. Vic clung to relationships and friendships way past their “expiry” date. She mourned her losses.

Vic did however learn that very valuable life lesson – to be grateful for whatever time she was granted with those she cared about. Vic clung to life to extend her time with the “life timers”…

Death had to pry her fingers from Life and her Life Timers…

100 days of searing pain….

Does time really heal all wounds? Mothers who have lost a child to death assure us that “it will get better.” Friends and loved ones have started telling me that “it is time to get over it and get on with life.”

Researchers say that a mother never ceases mourning the death of her child. I believe this finding.

In those immediate hours, after my precious child’s death, time stopped. My life ground to a halt.

At Vic’s Memorial Service I was amazed that people rushed off after the service and tea to meetings, to pick up children from school…I remember thinking that everyone had already moved on…

I stood next to the hearse not wanting it to leave. I rested my hand on the wood of the casket…I wanted to pull my child out of that darn coffin and wrap her in my arms. I was not ready to say goodbye.

Today it is 100 days filled with searing pain and longing since Vic left home for the last time.

I have begun to mark time differently. I count the number of days, weeks and months that I have mourned and missed my child.

I know that every day that passes is one day closer to me being with my beloved child again. I know that Vic’s suffering is over; I know that it is for the best that Vic’s dreadful pain filled life is over…. It does not make my mourning less.

So today I am burning candles for my child. I am praying that my child is at peace. I am praying for grace to endure this longing. I pray that I will have the strength to continue honouring Vic’s memory….

I pray that I will be worthy of the trust she put in me to look after her precious boys.

On the surface it appears as if the boys are coping well. I heard a comment from a teacher this week saying that, despite the trauma they went through with Vic’s death this year, they are actually doing better than last year.

It was so difficult watching her suffering!

So today, once again, I say “Rest in Peace my beautiful Angel Child”

It is Friday again

Today it is the 14th sad Friday since Vic died. Will I ever experience a Friday without sadness again?

It is 99 days today… Tomorrow it will be 100 long, tear filled days…

Sweetie, I love you as much as I did the day you stopped breathing. I miss you more than I could ever have imagined. I miss your gentleness, your unconditional love, your caring, your friendship and your voice.

It is okay to let go my angel child.

Today was an amazing day. I desperately miss my beautiful child.

I woke up early this morning remembering that I had a 8am meeting with the Hospice Bereavement Councillor or psychiatrist, whatever you prefer to call Alan. I looked at the time on my cell phone (can’t read my watch without my glasses) and thought to myself

“Hmmm, I need 45 minutes travelling time, 30 minutes to shower, dress, do my make-up and 15 minutes for breakfast and tea…”

I lay there in my war bed and decided I would be very rude and I would LIE – I would let Alan know I am stuck in the traffic… Writing this I am so ashamed for blatantly lying to this good man but it is done! I cannot undo the lie or my decision not to go… I will however confess if I see him again.

My first business appointment of the day was at 11am so I decided to lie in and check my emails in bed. There was a comment on one of my first posts…I reread the post and the next and the next and the next… I reread every one of the 335 posts I had written.

Other times, when I reread any of my journal entries or blog posts, I teared up. Today I did not. I was filled with relief.

I reread my baby girl’s journey filled with unbearable pain, suffering, discomfort, loneliness and indignity. The more I read the more I realised how selfish I was being. I took cognisance of the fact that in the early days of my blog I was careful with my words… Today I realised how much was never written. I was shocked at how little I had actually written of Vic’s pain… I remembered my child’s screams of pain and tears … I remembered how I prayed that her dreadful journey would end.

Today I was grateful that her suffering was over!

Does that mean I am “over” the death of my child? No! No! No! But I am at peace today that Vic is free of pain…

I missed her today as I will tomorrow, the day after tomorrow, next year and forever!

23.5.2012

At about 01:00 this morning Vic came into my room and got into bed with me. Her tummy was cramping badly and she was scared. She just lay with me for a long time, sobbing and talking about her fears.

E.H.Chapin said: “Out of suffering have emerged the strongest souls, the most massive characters are seamed with scars”…

Sobbing her little heart out she expressed her fear of how Danie and I will cope with her death… She asked me to remind Jon-Daniel of how he made her laugh when she was sad, Jared how much he helped her…

She told me I will have to be stricter with the boys after she is gone… She asks me to deliver her eulogy at her funeral…

https://tersiaburger.com/2012/05/23/23-5-2012/

19.6.2012

Today was a day out of hell for Vicky. She is deadly pale – she actually has a ghost like appearance. She was so ill that she was unable to take pain medication and now her pain is out of control.

If I am having a hard time with this how must this poor child feel? HOW CAN SHE CARRY ON??? https://tersiaburger.com/2012/06/19/37-years-on-death-row/

9.7.2012

It is 20:00 and Vic has been fed, changed, powdered and medicated. She screamed with pain when I changed her. Seeing my child sick and in pain, every day of her life , kills me. I am dying, painfully slowly from my child’s pain. https://tersiaburger.com/2012/07/09/i-am-dying-9-7-2012/

12.8.2012

Vic is still a very sick little girl. The fact that her pain is better controlled does not mean that she is well. If any of us had spent the amount of time vomiting and cramping that she has this week we would be in bed hooked up to an IV and praying for death. This week Vic’s amazing resilience again amazed me. She is strong beyond comprehension!

My heart bleeds for her that her fragile body has once again failed her incredible will to live. It is clear that she is merely holding onto life, as she knows it, with her fingertips……

I will go to the meeting with Prof Froehlich and continue my fight for Hospice to become involved. Vic will never function on any level again. She is confined to bed relying on medication to keep her sane. Maybe she will have a good couple of days here or there but her sentence has not been commuted. https://tersiaburger.com/2012/08/12/mommy-i-broke-my-back/

Schedule 6 medication – 28 days supply

Rest of Vic’s medication – decanted

21.8.2012

Every day of her life countless indignities are heaped upon her. She is dependant for everything from medication, care, food and money. Poor poppet! Death is always in the foreground of her mind. Either fear of dying and at times fear of not dying.

I don’t really know what I set out to articulate in this blog but writing has once again reminded me what a pitiful life Vic has. My poor, poor little baby! No-one in the world deserves her life! But we will never abandon her – ever!

Today was a bad day – again. https://tersiaburger.com/2012/08/21/today-was-a-bad-day/

2.10.2012

This evening she asked if she could have her injection a little earlier. Jared is going back to theatre tomorrow morning to have his stent removed. “Mommy, I need to try and sleep so I can be with my son tomorrow”

It is as if her wish triggered an avalanche of events.

Vic has been projectile vomiting since, and the perspiration is pouring off her. Her heart is racing, and her blood pressure is all over. Her abdomen is so distended and extremely tender on the abscess side!

Vic will not be at her son’s side tomorrow when he is readmitted to hospital.

https://tersiaburger.com/2012/10/02/mommy-i-need-to-try-and-sleep/

4.1.2013

14.10.2012

Life has ground to a slow, agonizing halt… Vic floats from one pain filled day in bed to the next. When she has a good and busy day, like yesterday, she pays the price for weeks. Vic has not been out of bed today. She is deadly pale and drawn.

It is hard for her not having privacy. Vic is embarrassed that I hold her hair or wipe her face when she is vomiting. Yet she needs me with her….

We are however in this together as a family. It is a rough journey for everyone.

“I am so sorry Mommy…” …it echoes through my heart.

“I love you my angel” I whisper…. https://tersiaburger.com/2012/10/14/i-am-sorry-mommy/

12.11.2012

We have already had so many “extra” years. But the fact remains that Vic is ill. Today she is more ill than yesterday or even last week or last month. It is not an UTI causing the pain and fever. Her pain control is good enough to mask symptoms. Waves of severe nausea and cramping remain…

I don’t even want to consider the possibility that the pain is caused by Vic’s organs slowly starting to shut down….. One organ after another…. I have read that it feels “uncomfortable”. It is called terminal agitation.

Only time will tell…. Time is all we have….

How did it get late so soon? https://tersiaburger.com/2012/11/12/how-did-it-get-late-so-soon-dr-seuss/

21.10.2012

There have been times in the past couple of months that all Vic can do is lie in bed and breathe. Completing simple tasks is a cause for celebration….if Vic is able to get out of bed, showers and put on clothes, all in the same day, it is a major achievement. There have been days (few and very far in-between) that she has been well enough to pick up the boys from school, take them for a milk shake. She attended Jared’s confirmation and Jon-Daniel’s prize giving… We are so grateful for the good days!

Vic is going through a grieving stage where she (once again) is experiencing profound grief for the life that she had known and which has been lost forever. Vic is feeling lost and confused. She is on the down ride hurdling to who knows what stage of her journey.

Vic is so sad that she is unable to actively participate in her children’s lives. Most friends have stopped calling. Her sense of identity is blurred. She has been reduced from being a wife and mother to “a child”. https://tersiaburger.com/2012/10/21/vics-roller-coaster/

Mothersday 2012

14.11.2012

Vic had a night out of hell! The nausea was vicious and unrelenting. Pain reduced Vic to a whimpering bundle of human flesh.

Vic’s palliative Care physician, Dr Sue, visited Vic this morning. I think she was a little taken aback by Vic’s condition.

Sue is an amazing person. She was so gentle with Vic. Vic’s heart rate is fast and her blood pressure is 101/58. Vic has a bronchial infection, her liver is taking severe strain and the sepsis has flared up – badly. Her oxygen saturation levels are low – 90%.

Sue gently explained that although Vic is running a fever her body’s “warning systems” have started shutting down….. Vic is very warm to the touch, yet the thermometer only reflects a temperature of 36.8⁰.

https://tersiaburger.com/2012/11/14/a-night-out-of-hell/

18.11.2012

Vic is having a lousy day. She is exhausted and very swollen. Despite the injections she has been nauseous all day. This evening she had another vomiting bout. Tomorrow we will see Dr Sue again. Just maybe there is a 3^rd anti-nausea type injection available

Vic also complained of a terrible “acidic” feeling.

I Googled her symptoms and found something that matches her new symptoms and blood test results. Metabolic acidosis https://tersiaburger.com/2012/11/18/worrying-doesnt-empty-tomorrow-of-its-sorrow-it-empties-today-of-its-strength/

27.11.2012

Hospice has just fitted a subcutaneous driver – again.   Vic’s pain has spiralled out of control over the past couple of days.

Vic was in absolute excruciating pain during the night. She battled to breath.

“Help me Mommy! I can’t stand the pain anymore…”

I lay next to her and put constant pressure on the area that hurt most. It was just below her ribcage – liver. “Oh Mommy, it is so sore. Can you feel how sore it is?

As a little girl Vic used to believe that I could “feel” her pain…

“Feel how sore my toe is Mommy…”

As I lay there with my hand on her “sore” I wished with every fibre in my body that I could lay my hand on her sick body and soak up the pain and disease. It cannot be so I look for a new spot on her bum to stick in a needle.                                                                                            https://tersiaburger.com/2012/11/27/mommy-can-you-feel-how-sore-it-is/

3.12.2012

Today I looked at her and fear struck at my heart. My child is slowly slipping away. Her little body is tired of the pain. Her little organs are enlarged and diseased. Her bones weak….

And the realisation hit home…. We need another miracle.

God please have mercy on my child.                                                         https://tersiaburger.com/2012/12/03/we-need-a-miracle-again/

5.12.2012

Sue gave us a script for Pethidine. We will alternate the morphine and Pethidine six-hourly. The poor pharmacist…. She went into shock when she heard that the morphine is NOT being replaced by the Pethidine… that it is in addition to the morphine.

Now it is only a matter of time. Vic’s organs are slowly shutting down. My child is gently being eased into death.

The entire day it echoed through my mind “we cannot stop this. It is happening”

Vic is calm and serene.

“Next year my mom and I are going to Italy” she told Sue today.

“Then I can die…”

https://tersiaburger.com/2012/12/05/next-year-my-mom-and-i-are-going-to-italy/

Cellulitis

5.12.2012

12:42am and Vic is sleeping peacefully. She had a “good” day. In between her naps she had lunch with a friend, a visit from Esther and a walk in the garden with Jared!

Vic’s legs are growing very weak. The cellulitis on her arm has worsened despite the antibiotics. It is now oozing pus. Sr Siza will see her tomorrow, and I believe Vic will have to go onto IV antibiotics. She had a violent vomiting spell just after she took her antibiotic tablets tonight. It is very difficult for her to keep tablets and food down. Despite the six-hourly anti-nausea injections she has…. And of course there is the problem of the poor absorption.

“I can’t do this anymore…” Vic mumbled to herself tonight after the vomiting episode. https://tersiaburger.com/2012/12/05/vic-is-sleeping-peacefully/

7.12.2012

Vic’s arm is very painful. The antibiotics have not started working yet. Dr Sue will come and see her tomorrow morning, and we will then decide whether it warrants hospitalization. Obviously Vic need intravenous antibiotics and her tissue is too poor….

Tonight Vic had one of her worst vomiting spells yet. It happened after 02:00am and her dinner of 7.30pm had not digested yet. It is obvious that the oral antibiotics are not being absorbed. https://tersiaburger.com/2012/12/07/tomorrow-may-be-a-rough-day/

7.12.2012

I ran down the passage knowing that my poor child had vomited again. The poor little thing was standing in the shower covered in her 7 pm dinner and antibiotic tablets. The food had not digested at all. She was shivering and crying.

I cleaned up whilst Vic showered.

“I am sorry Mommy. I am so sorry Mommy”… Vic sobbed.

“I can’t do this anymore Mommy. I don’t want to live like this anymore….”

I eventually got into bed at 5am. Three hours sleep used to be enough sleep when I was younger. I think I am getting old. I need more than 3 hours. Maybe it is time to look at a night nurse…..

Hospice called early this morning. The antibiotics have been changed to IM injections. We cannot put up an IV drip. Sr Siza told Vic she should be admitted to hospital to have the abscess lanced and drained. Vic refused. “No more hospitals. Mommy you promised…”

Monday morning Dr Sue will come to the house and do the procedure here.

https://tersiaburger.com/2012/12/07/the-night-was-not-over/

Vic and her Dad

20.12.2012

Today has been a very, very bad day. Sr Siza was here when Vic had a violent vomiting spell. Yesterday Vic fractured a vertebra again. Her pain is out of control. Her breathing was shallow.

“I don’t want Jon-Daniel to see me now Mommy. It freaks him out when I can’t breathe” Vic pleaded

I lay behind her back, gently holding her whilst the tears wracked through her little body.

“I don’t want to die Mommy. If only I can live for another year….. But I am so tired!” Vic softly cried

https://tersiaburger.com/2012/12/20/i-dont-want-to-die/

25.12.2012

This is our last Christmas as a complete family.

Vic has been vomiting non-stop. The acid has burnt the inside of her mouth. Her derriere is so lumpy, black and blue from the constant injections. Sr Siza popped in. She examined Vic and started drawing up a Clopamon and Morphine injection.

“Please Sister, not my bum. Please do it on my thigh.”

Vic no longer has an appetite. She is sleeping at least 20 out of 24 hours. Vic is very warm to the touch and appears flushed. The thermometer reflects a temperature of 37 degrees C.

“Do you understand what your body is telling you Vic?” Siza asked

Vic nodded and whispered “I do not want to die…”

https://tersiaburger.com/2012/12/25/a-time-to-be-born-and-a-time-to-die/

Jon-Daniel telling his Mommy he received his honours blazer

2.1.2013

Vic is having a strange day… Her blood pressure is all over; her heart races and then slows down.

“Something is wrong mommy.”

This evening Vic double checked with me whether I remembered which hymns had to be sung at her memorial service. She cried when she (again) named her pallbearers. “Please don’t let me lie in a refrigerator for a long time Mommy…Let them cremate me as quickly as possible” https://tersiaburger.com/2013/01/02/sisters-by-heart/

Jared just quietly sitting with his mommy

1.7.2012

Vic worries about the family’s ability to cope with her illness and eventual death. When Jared whispered to her “Mommy, I want your face to be the first thing I see when I wake up from the operation” he validated her fears…

Vic often says “You know Mom I worry how Daddy is going to cope with my death…” or “Mommy, do you think the boys will cope without me?” or “Promise me you will go for counselling when it is over…”

No amount of reassurance will comfort her…Vic in time will have to let go. She knows how deeply we love her and what void her passing will leave in all our lives. If you lose a marriage partner it is possible to find another partner and experience love again but if you lose a child or parent…how do you replace a child or parent?

Vic is quite hard on the boys (for their own good I must add). She always says “I am your Mother not your excuse”

https://tersiaburger.com/2012/07/01/vics-fears-2-7-2012/

And then on the 10 th of September 2012 I blogged the words that I want to repeat today…

So baby, if you read this post, know that we will miss you. We don’t want you to leave us behind but we want your suffering to end. We will continue to love you until we are reunited one day. You have to trust us that you will always be “my baby” and the boys’ mummy. But know that we will be grateful when your little body is freed from its pain and suffering. You will be at peace… You will not suffer more pain after death. We will mourn you, but we will also be at peace… We will think of you and smile…

It is okay to let go my angel child.

https://tersiaburger.com/2012/10/09/is-there-pain-after-death-post-2/

I promise I will go back to Alan. I love you so much Vic!

Today I smiled. It may have been a sad smile but it was the smile of a mother who is at peace with her beloved child being pain-free.

Stepping Stone Hospice

On the 1^st of January 2013 we started Stepping Stone Hospice & Care Services in my suburb. We operated from my home with one highly skilled Palliative Care Nurse, a Palliative Care Doctor, a network of caregivers, a four women steering committee, one car and a lot of enthusiasm and energy.

Vic was our first death. Stepping Stone was borne out of her pain and her desire to “pass it (Hospice Care) forward”. Many years ago, I promised her that I would start a Hospice in her honour…. It would be her legacy. When Siza looked after my Dad in his final days we “connected”. She is a beautiful, compassionate, efficient person. She has a gentle yet confidence inspiring disposition, and she delivered on her promise to Vic on day one. When she came to set up the subcutaneous driver the first time she promised Vic that she would take care of her pain needs. This she did to the best of her ability.

I blogged on this new lease of life Hospice gave Vic. We have at least two and a half wonderful months where Vic was able to “live”… go out for milkshakes with her boys.

We have been so blessed. Six weeks ago we were able to move into an office on the premises of an amazing charity organization called Amcare. We now have a donated desk, laptop and printer. We have quite a lot of donated equipment such as wheelchairs, walkers etc. We only have one dilapidated chair but our work is in people’s homes not in offices!

People have generously donated second-hand clothes which more than provides for the pain medication that is needed to treat our indigent patients. Through generous donations by a couple of people we have managed to pay Siza’s salary, fuel and cell phone costs. We have been able to buy a software program that will allow us to invoice the medical aids, of patients, that have terminal care cover.

Today Trix received a phone call from a lady, our of our second-hand clothing benefactors, who asked whether we could meet with her brother….he wants to donate a building to Stepping Stone Hospice!!

Our God is a faithful God. We have not advertised nor marketed aggressively at all.

I am speechless with the wonder of people’s generosity and love!

Please pray that this will indeed happen!

Vic, your legacy will live on. Thousands of people will be able to live and die with dignity because you had a dream. I love you Angel Child. I know you are our guardian angel!!

HOSPICE BLOGS:–

https://tersiaburger.com/2013/01/03/tomorrow-may-be-better-than-yesterday/

https://tersiaburger.com/2012/12/18/the-right-to-live-with-dignity/

https://tersiaburger.com/2012/11/07/life-is-good-life-is-great/

https://tersiaburger.com/2012/10/15/remission-15-10-2012/

https://tersiaburger.com/2012/10/23/and-hospice-says-go/

https://tersiaburger.com/2012/09/24/mommy-i-thought-i-had-more-time/

I remember their sadness…

I remember their sadness….

I remember their sadness…

Many years ago I had to travel to Paris, on business, with two male clients. The one middleaged man, advised me that his wife would accompany us. I thought it was strange but did not give it much thought. We had to attend the Eurostatory exhibition. It may sound like fun, but exhibitions are hard work!! We also had to travel to a neighbouring city to visit a manufacturer of products… One arrives at the exhibition at 9am and you leave at 5 pm. It is a lot of slow walking and standing.

Add the frustration of the Paris traffic and commuting between the exhibition centre and hotel….

Dinner is followed by falling into the bed and just “dying”…

My first thought was that this was a jealous wife who did not trust her husband on a business trip with a female colleague… the only other reason would be that she thought it would be a very sociable trip, lots of sightseeing and shopping. Oh what the hell – as long as I was not expected to keep her company or take her shopping!

About a week before we left I found out that the couple had lost their son a couple of weeks before in a car accident. I felt sad for them, made a phone call, asked my secretary to send flowers. My life carried on…

I met the client and his wife at the airport. Their eyes were so incredibly sad. It made me feel very uncomfortable. I remember telling them that the trip would be “healing”… They nodded and said nothing.

We arrived in Paris on the Friday morning. I told them that as soon as they has unpacked and freshened up we would start our adventure. We would head out to Sacre Ceour…one of my favourite places!

Our first stop was the Sacre Ceour Cathedral. We entered the cathedral and everyone was in awe of the beauty of the cathedral. They asked why people were lighting candles. I explained that people were lighting candles for loved ones who had died.

The husband and wife walked off wordlessly and went to light a candle for their dead son. I was touched and sad for them.

Over the years we have become ‘distant’ friends…we stay in contact, we exchange notes on our grandchildren, he phoned me when his daughter was diagnosed with cancer. We cried together. He said “You are the only one who will understand my fear…” He knew Vic was ill.

I saw him today for the first time in about 18 months. We spoke about business and a potential co-operation on a new project. He said nothing about Vic. He asked no questions.

Eventually, I said “Vic died three months ago you know…”

He said “I heard. I tried to phone you, but you did not answer your phone.”

“I spoke to no-one” I said

“She is in a better place you know” he said.

“So let’s talk about how we are going to tackle this project” I said

I remembered the sadness in their eyes. I remembered all the candles they lit for their son. I remember not understanding their grief.

Now I burn candles for my beautiful child!

Angel of Light

Today was a particularly bad day. For the first time since Vic’s memorial service I attended a Church Service. I dreaded the arms of comfort and gentle words of sympathy that was inevitable. Danie went with me. As we walked into the doors the arms were there…hugging and patting! Our entry caused a little stir among the congregation..

Danie took my hand and led me to our old place in the pews. People actually got up from where they were sitting to come and say “Hello” and “I am praying for you”…. Tears just ran down my cheeks and I COULD NOT stop crying! All I could see in my mind’s eye was my beautiful, precious child’s coffin in the front on the church – surrounded by white candles and St Josephs lilies.

The worship team started singing, and I could not even see the words on the screen through my tears.

As the service went I calmed down. I kept telling myself to “get a grip” which I eventually did.

After the service I cried in the embrace of my minister, church friends and acquaintances.

This evening I opened my emails and found a beautiful email from Jane@ http://johannisthinking.com/. I wanted to post some of it with the beautiful picture and went into her blog to copy her blog address when I found this amazing poem that I am going to share with you.

Jane’s writes in her Email:-

You are NOT alone—-there is LIGHT all around YOU! When I found this…I thought….Yes, this is Tersia! …and your daughter is surrounding YOU with love and light! BELIEVE it!You deserve to live in the LIGHT…..and it is NOT wrong to be happy….Vic is at peace and living in the LIGHT……and one day you will find her again…….until then…be gentle to YOU…..what would you tell her to do IF the situation was reversed? What if you were the ONE who had to leave this Mother Earth ? What would you say to your daughter? You say you “two are ONE”—-and I do believe it is true——— so speak to your inner child as you would speak to her! WE ALL NEED YOUR VOICE!

I cried again. I am so grateful that the goodness and the light that surrounded Vic and radiated from her, is seen by the world. Thank you dear Jane for telling me. Thank you for your words, your poetry and above all the Angel of Light. Thank you for caring!!

http://johannisthinking.com/2013/04/21/water-crystal-healers/

Dedicated to Tersia Burger

***

between the deep sighs

tears fall one by one

ridding the pitchblende

ever so slowly they form

quietly…silently

descend

water tears

cascading

will they ever end

water crystal healers

nature taking care of you

helping you transcend

freeing you

until…you find yourself

home again…

ice-kaleidoscope

ice-kaleidoscope (Photo credit: JeremyO\K)

So, today was emotional but healing! I was surrounded by love and compassion. For the first time in a long time I did not feel isolated in my grief.

So to every one who comments and emails; I thank you for your love and support in my journey of mourning my child. For many years I have had a fear of allowing people close to me – I truly fear that they will betray my trust and friendship. I KNOW I must allow people close

to me. Blogging is allowing me see that there is kindness, goodness and unconditional caring out there….

Thank you all from the bottom of my heart!

Can angels read?

Ah, I have been surrounded by angels this week! Yesterday my friend Trix, just popped around with a beautiful bunch of roses…yellow and orange. Vic would have loved the flowers and the gesture! Vic’s eldest sibling too dropped off a beautiful bunch of flowers.

Yesterday we burnt candles for Vic. We all cried. We all desperately missed Vic.

Trix is a “new” friend. She is part of the Stepping Stone Hospice steering committee. Trix is funny, fit, bright, dynamic and very intelligent! She is absolutely amazing, and no amount of effort or work for Stepping Stone Hospice is too much effort. Trix posts these amazing comments on Facebook throughout the day. Her posts are philosophical, funny and radiates her love of life and people.

Trix has become such an important part of my life in a short period of time. She has a way of saying “Do what you must do to cope with today…” She is not the huggy/kissy type friend… Under her chirpy exterior lies one of the most positive and honest people I have ever had the privilege of knowing.

Now my friendship with Trix is one of the few goods things that came out of Vic’s illness… If Vic had not dreamt of a Hospice and Trix had not lost a husband to cancer in a Hospice In-Patient unit we may never have met…

Another new friend is Wendie Deacon http://deaconfamilyblog.wordpress.com/an-angel-named-vic/ Wendie is a nice person who is truly gifted. Wendie has challenges of her own and the way she has handles these challenges are so brave! She messages and says such beautiful things of Vic… That on it’s only is enough to truly endear her to me. Wendy wrote a beautiful poem for Vic… Thank you dear Wendie for honouring Vic with your words!

If only Vic could read Wendie’s beautiful poem… Do you think angels can read? I wish Vic could read these words…

An Angel named Vic

Who knew that you could fly dear Vic?

One day you sprouted wings

to soar.

Valiantly ascending heavenward

despite all you had endured.

At last the pain subsided

and all at once was gone.

You left a radiant legacy

that lovingly carries on.

A beautiful spirit in the sky.

Now free from sorrow, hurt and pain.

so many loved ones

here on earth

await embracing you again.

Deaconfamilysentiments©

Wendie Jeanne Deacon©

Eulogies

Some of Vic's flowers in church — Some of Vic’s flowers in church

Today I read a very moving eulogy that Denise, one of my blogger friends, posted. It is a eulogy that she wrote and presented at her beloved son’s funeral.

I identified with her emotions and every word she wrote. I would like to share Denise’s words with you and also my eulogy with which I honoured my brave child.

Denise says:” I’ve added a page with Philip’s eulogy. It was my last gift to him. As I wrote in the introduction, I’m posting it so you can know him a little better. I’ve just re-read it, and I remember reading it out loud, with Phil and Natalie beside me. I remember that I’d spent the last two hours in my chair, non-stop sobbing. I remember my cousin Maria leaning over and saying, “If you don’t stop crying you won’t be able to read.” I remember my voice clear and strong. And when I was done, I remember being told, “I feel better because I know you’re going to be all right.”

Me and “all right” didn’t belong in the same sentence. But there it was. And here it is; I hope you’ll take a look.”

I encourage you to follow this mother’s harrowing journey with grief. Please read her Phillip’s eulogy! http://forphilip.wordpress.com/his-eulogy/comment-page-1/#comment-33

Much of the days, immediately after Vic’s death, is now a distant memory. The emotions that I did record are hazy now. I floated on a herbal tranquilizer cloud… I cannot remember who all was at the funeral. I remember who wasn’t… I looked at the January 2013 photos this week and saw that her second eldest sibling did come and say her goodbyes. I now vaguely remember her little girls being here, but I actually don’t remember!!

When Vic planned her memorial service she asked that I deliver her eulogy.

Friday, Saturday and Sunday after Vic died I cried and was unable to think straight. I wanted to do the handouts myself but by Sunday evening I knew I would not be able to do it in time. My mind was blank, and I could not get Microsoft Publisher to do what I needed it to do… At 8.15pm I texted the undertaker and asked them to do it. I would send them the content, and they would format my information.

I prepared a wonderful slide show of Vic’s life. All the fun bits and the people she loved were in it with her. All the highlights of her life were captured in PowerPoint. “Never Alone” as performed by Jim Brickman and Lady Annabella would play as her coffin was carried out of the church. “If tomorrow starts without me” would play before the start of the service. The slide show would loop from 15 minutes before the service and again 10 minutes after Vic left the church for the last time.

The eulogy and thank-you’s would be done by me.

Strangely the “thank-you’s” was far more difficult to do. There were so many people to thank that had loved, helped and supported Vic and the family over the years…

I actually don’t know whether I blogged on the service as such before, but if I have either forgive me or please move onto another post.

When I stood up to do the thank you’s and eulogy I thought “It is the 3rd eulogy in 18 months I am doing…”

As I stood up Vic’s boys got up and flanked me. They bravely and stoically stood next to me supporting me as we paid our last respects. I could feel their bodies tremble and occasionally I hear a stifled sound as they suppressed their tears.

The boys and I before the memorial service

We stood on the stairs below the pulpit. Three steps below us Vic lay in a casket. More than a hundred candles burning; her St Josephs lilies on the casket and a beautiful framed photo of her… I so wish someone has taken a photo…

Like Denise I was surprised by the clarity of my voice. It was as if my voice belonged to someone else. The steadiness of my voice belied the physical pain of my heart.

I said the following:

Where do I start? How do I begin a farewell when I still can’t believe you’re gone? How do I say goodbye to a part of my soul?

The day you were born I experienced this UNBELIEVABLE rush of love. I was smitten from the first second I lay eyes on you.

You came into my life and changed me forever. Over the years people have complimented me for being a good mother but I truly cannot take credit for that. You were born good, and great and amazing. You were the one who taught me lessons in life. I believe you are an angel God sent to teach me.

You taught me love. You taught me honesty. You taught me to love unconditionally. You taught me how to forgive and how to be strong. You are the strongest person I have ever known. You gave me strength when I was weak. When times were sad and tough you reminded me to be grateful for the small things in life. You taught me how to be myself. Most of all you taught me about life and how to live.

When you were diagnosed with Osteogenesis Imperfecta at the age of 18 months and the doctors told me I should wrap you in cotton wool and wait for you to die, you taught me it was more important to feel and grow like any other child than to have me hide you under my wing. It was so important to you to live. And that you did. You gave birth to not one beautiful baby but two! You mothered the boys the way you lived life – with a passion.

You are the bravest person in the world. You rewrote medical history. You defied death for so many years… You mocked bad news and a poor prognosis…

You made me so proud. You have always been my greatest pride and joy. At school you excelled as a pianist. As a mommy you were an example to all. As a dying person you were brave beyond words.

I’m not sure how I can live this life without you. You worried about me just as much as I worried about you. You told everyone how worried you were that I would not cope without you. You fought so hard to stay alive. You fought until you gave your very last breath. You did not want to leave your boys. You lived for your boys.

You often said you were scared people would forget you…

No-one will ever forget you. You made an incredible impact on the world. You left two monuments of your love and mothering skills. Your sons will honour you every day of their lives with their actions.

The photo on the casket

Your dream of a Hospice for Alberton has been realised in Stepping Stone. Thousands of people will benefit from your dream and compassion in years to come. It is ironic that you were Stepping Stone’s first death…

Two weeks before your passing you started seeing angels. You saw Gramps, Uncle Dries, your father and Auntie Marlene. Then a week before your passing you said “My whole room is full of angels” You fought to stay alive every single day of your life. Eleven months ago you called a family meeting and told us that you had decided enough is enough. No more surgeries. No more hospitals.

Over the past 11 months you made your final wishes known. You planned your memorial service. You spoke to the boys about what was important. I personally got a long list of do’s and don’t’s.

Just before Christmas you said you were worried about me. That you could see I thought you would bounce back again…You said you were dying…You could feel the changes in your body. But like 95% of the people in this church today I honestly though you would bounce back and defy death once again!

One week before Vic died…

The day you were born you filled my entire life. You were always my first and last thought. I feel numb and as if I am in a bubble. You will be happy to know that we have been surrounded by love and support. But it still feels as if the world should have stopped because you left it.

Vic, I miss you so much already and I don’t know if I can take this pain anymore. But then I think, how can I be sad when I know you’re in a better place? How can I be sad when you brought me so much happiness? How can I be sad when God is already working miracles through you? How can I be sad when I feel like the luckiest person on earth to have been chosen to be your mother? How can I be sad when God gave you to me for 14,019 days, 20 hours and 15 minutes? I thank God every day for the time we shared together.

Baby, I promise you today we will be the support system for the boys you wanted. We love them so much. No-one in the world can ever take your place. We promise we will keep your memories alive. We will honour our promises to you.

So now we must bid you farewell. It is your time to run, free from pain and suffering. We will always love you. We will never forget you.

Rest in Peace my Angel Child.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lnNK4Alwbsw

A final rose

3 Months Ago

Every day I go to Vic’s Facebook page to see whether someone remembered her… I leave her messages… Today at 14:18 I dialled her mobile number out of habit.

Exactly three months ago I knew my child’s life had been reduced to hours…I knew that her little body could no longer fight whatever infection was raging in it. Her temperature was off the chart… the thermometer only registers temperatures up to 106 °F (41.5 °C) and then goes onto “HI”.

It was this time, three months ago, that Vic’s breathing changed. Three months ago it was Vic’s last night of breathing.

Earlier that day I fell asleep next to Vic – my hand on the pulse in her neck. I was so exhausted I could not think or function. I just needed to be with her every second of her last hours.

The boys came to say their goodbyes…

I no longer allowed visitors.

I remember lying next to her recalling a discussion we had when I had flu and was running a fever. I am a terrible patient. I am such a ninny. I remembered saying to Vic “Sweetie, when I am dying please don’t let people touch me…”

“I won’t” she promised. “My skin also hurts when I am running a fever…”

“Why didn’t you tell me? It must irritate you when I stroke your hand or hair when you are sick?”

“Because I know you need to touch and hold me when I am sick…” she said.

“I will never to it again. So next time you are running a fever know I want to hold your hand and stroke your hair…”

“It’s okay Mommy. You can hold my hand. I don’t mind. It hurts but makes me feel better…”

“That’s an oxymoron if I have ever heard one in my life!” I laughed and Vic joined in

That night, three months ago, there was no idle chatter or laughter in the house. Just the sound of Vic’s breathing.

Tonight, three months later, everyone has gone to bed. There is no sound of laughter or idle chatter in the house. Earlier tonight there was.

I keep imaging that I am hearing Vic’s footsteps shuffling down the passage. The boys have lit extra candles for their mom. I know that they are sad.

I am aware that the dynamics of my grief is changing. I am starting to function, smile and look “alive”. The numbness has gone. The pain is real now. My sadness is constant. I go to sleep with tears in my eyes and wake up with tears running into my hair. My grief has become “mine”. It has become a constant companion. I do not want to share it. I want to embrace it.

I know there is so much to be grateful for, I know I wanted Vic’s suffering to end, I am grateful that she is no longer fracturing vertebrae from vomiting, crying with pain… I KNOW all of this on an intellectual level. I try to tell my heart to be happy or at least grateful, but my heart won’t listen!

I don’t want to sleep tonight. I want to lie awake and remember my beautiful baby girl, her warm smile, her tiny little hands and her pure soul. If I fall asleep I pray that I will dream of my baby girl…

BEST MOMENT AWARD

I would like to thank my dear friend Shaun, at prayingforoneday for this award. He ia an amazing person with a big heart and always ready to support and encourage. Shaun suffers from Chronic Pain and despite living in debilitating pain, continues to be a source of support and encouragement for a great many of us.

Awarding the people who live in the moment,
the noble who write and capture the best in life,
the bold who reminded us what really mattered –
Savouring the experience of quality time.

RULES:

Winners re-post this completely, with their acceptance speech. That could be written down or video recorded.
Winners have the privilege of awarding the next awardees! The re-post should include a NEW list of people, blogs worthy of the award, and winners notify them the great news.
What makes a good acceptance speech?

Gratitude. Thank the people who helped you along the way.

Humour-Keep us entertained and smiling.

Inspiration – Make your story touch our lives.

Get an idea from the great acceptance speech, compiled in MomentMatters.com/speech

Display the award’s badge on your blog/website, downloadable in MomentMatters.com/Award

My Acceptance:

I started blogging as a coping mechanism just after the doctors told us they could do nothing for Vic and my brave child decided “no more surgeries…” I blogged Vic’s quest to die with dignity. I now blog about my all-consuming grief and sense of loss.

As a child I changed schools 12 times in total. Academically I coped by I did not cope with the emotional side of it.

I allow very few people close to me. I find it hard to form bonds with people. I always expect them to leave my live – I don’t think I suffer from Rejection issues – just separation issues. It is easier to keep people at bay – If I don’t rely on people they cannot disappoint or hurt me.

On WordPress I found a safe world. A world where people care and support. If they leave, as many have, it is okay because they are faceless. Yet there are people that have never wavered in their support and encouragement.

I have received a number of awards lately that I am busy accepting. If you are not nominated here please just check my next posts. I am taking my time because I truly want to acknowledge my blogging friends and their contribution in my journey. I will nominate my friends in no particular or of importance…

Shaun, thank you again for this award,

My nominees are compassionate, caring people who all suffer their own pain and loss. Please visit their blogs and I promise you will find goodness and bravery there!

Thank you all for allowing me to heal here.

Vic, this award is for you my precious, beautiful, brave baby girl. I love you Angel Child!

The 15 people I award:

1. UntraveledRoads

Jane is a wonderful blogger who writes about living through pain.

She so eloquently writes “Not writing about how to grasp joy – just about trying to find joy through the labyrinth of pain. Because if I don’t keep joy in my sights, I will drown. It is about the space – like a sunlit meadow – beyond pain that one can reach – or grasp – or glimpse. A place of peace while pain drums in the background. Why try? Because if I do not, what is the point at all?

OK. So I don’t want to write about pain. I live with it. But it has been such an extraordinary journey with such unexpected bonuses that I must write about the plus side – the up side, the fun, humour and bittersweet of living with pain. The irony is that I don’t want it, but I wouldn’t return what I have learnt through it.”

I hope you accept this award!

2 http://grannyscolorful.wordpress.com/ Gloria lost her son, Tommy, when he collapsed at the beach (Myrtle Beach, S.C.) whilst playing with his little son, Taban. He died with little Taban near him. Tommy had 2 blockages in his heart that no one was aware of.

Gloria writes about her precious son Tommy and her grief. Gloria has become a friend and has been such a source of encouragement and understanding. Gloria has 1236 followers and yet she finds the time to read my blog and comment on my blog. Thank you so much for caring!! You are an amazing person!

Gloria recently published her book. Good luck with the book dear Gloria.

3 http://thresholdofheaven.com/

Peter Wiebe has closed down his blog. Yet I am compelled to nominate Peter for this award.

Peter wrote: “My name is Peter Wiebe. I am a husband and father of 4 boys-the oldest of which has gone ahead of us to Heaven after a courageous battle with cancer at the age of 10. I am a Christian and thus write from a Christian perspective. Although my faith was/is being severely tested by the loss of my firstborn son, my hope lies in Jesus Christ and all that the Bible teaches regarding Him, His death and resurrection, and our future hope of glory with Him. This blog is a journey through grief, about cultivating an eternal mindset in a temporary world, about all things related to faith, and life after death. I dedicate this blog to Jesse’s memory and hope that its contents will draw others nearer to God.”

I once wrote to Peter “I envy you your faith and peace.” Peter prays for me and I am so grateful for that. How do I know? I know because he still visits my blog and continues to encourage and support me. Peter has become a wonderful cyber friend. I am grateful for the healing that he found. Thank you Peter!

4. http://justiceforraymond.wordpress.com

Shirley is a brave mother fighting for justice after the suspicious death of her beloved son, Raymond. She is fearless! This lady is selflessly fighting for justice, not only for her son but for other innocent victims.

The reason for her blog is “Finding that one person who will step out to defend the innocent even when they are dead. Help us tell Pennsylvania this needs an investigation, not just a cover-up. it is our sincere prayer to find the true cause of Ray’s death and help others who have experienced a similar crime.”

Shirley is a good cyber friend – always encouraging and supporting! Thank you brave lady. I pray that you will find closure and answers!!!

5. http://thedrsays.org

Sandra is one of the bravest people I know. She is dying from congenital heart failure. She writes about her journey with terminal illness, impending death and her concern for leaving her husband Chris behind. She is so like Vic!! As brave, courageous, stubborn and loving! Her blog fills me with so much sadness and yet it gives me an insight into Vic’s heart and mind. I truly hope she will accept this award. Sandra, thank-you for your love, support, advice and friendship. You are one in a million! I wish I could make the same difference in your life that you make in mine.

6. http://onewomansperspective02.wordpress.com

Becky writes about her son, Jason (19), who died in a car accident.

In Becky’s own words:…. ”(Jason) A game player – chess (his absolute favorite), video games, volleyball, basketball, board games. Intelligent – studying to be a computer engineer; tutored students in math. He gave great hugs and brightened up a room just by walking into it. A great young man; a wonderful son, brother, friend.

In a split second, he was gone and our lives were changed forever.

My goal for writing this blog is to promote understanding – for bereaved parents and for those around them. I do not claim to know what it’s like to walk in someone else’s shoes nor do I claim to speak as an expert on grief. I would not presume to know what anyone else is feeling nor what they are experiencing. Everyone is different; each situation is different; each grief and griever is unique. The only thing I know is what we experienced. But, if my speaking about what we went through can promote even a small degree of understanding, then I have accomplished what I set out to do.”

Thank you Becky for your kindness and support. Thank you for your guidance and compassion.

7. http://johannisthinking.com – This blog is filled with beautiful poetry. The heart of this lovely blogger is contained in her own words “my heart bleeds with all those who lost their lives this day…and all who mourn their lost…WE can all do better…for the memory of all those who have died…let us try to BE our best selves always!” Thank you for your friendship and support! http://johannisthinking.com/category/poetry-solitude/

8. http://beebeesworld.wordpress.com – Beebee ia an advocate of Parent Heart Watch, an organization that promotes education on the prevention and care of those with heart issues. Beebee’s 15 year old son died of a sudden heart attack whilst playing baseball. Beebee is a brave mother and has become a cyber-friend. She writes beautifully and courageously. Thank you BB for your kind words of encouragement.

9. http://forphilip.wordpress.com/2013/04/06/they-found-him-day-2-part-2/ Denise Smyth is the loving mother of two children, Philip and Natalie, who are (of course) the great loves of her life.

Denise writes “On February 23rd, 2012, I found out that my son, who had turned 21 the month before, died. It was sudden and unexpected. I was devastated, heartbroken, terrified, none of which comes close to describing what I really felt. It’s just the best I can do at the moment.”

Denise’s’ blog is a brave blog. It is filled with raw emotion and unconditional love.

10. http://jmgoyder.com/

Julie lives on a retired dairy farm in Western Australia with her “99.9% lovely, teenage son”. Julie is a retired lecturer in English and Creative Writing at a local university. Julie’s beloved husband Anthony has cancer, dementia and Parkinson’s disease.

Julie blog is a beautiful love story filled with her fears and anguish of seeing her Anthony slip deeper and deeper into another world. Julie arranges wonderful outings for Anthony and includes their friends in his world. I admire her that she is not trying to “hide” her husband from the cruel eyes of the world. Her love is unconditional and inspiring. She writes beautifully and has been a great source of comfort to me. Thank you dear friend for sharing your love and pain with us.

Thank you for your kindness and friendship. You are a very special person.

11. http://lymphomajourney.wordpress.com

Andrew is the author of an e-book, Living with Cancer: A Journey,

This eBook captures his first three years of Lymphoma diagnosis, treatment, recovery, relapse, treatment, and again recovery. He keeps a daily personal journal to capture both the medical and personal things going on during this journey. I find Andrew’s blog to be filled with not only facts but also his“journey”. He is a very gifted writer. Andrew has become a friend. Thank you for your continued support Andrew!!

12. http://behindthemaskofabuse.com Zoe is a wonderfully gifted author who has had two books published on Amazon “Buckwheatsrisk-Abuse Survival”, and a poetry book entitled “If I Could Write my Heart” Zoe has endured dreadful abuse, at every level, as a child. Zoe is working so hard at healing…Zoe has 658 followers and receives lots of comments. Yet, every day there is a “Hug” or “Like” message from her. She has emailed me…Zoe, I appreciate your support and caring. Thank you for taking the time to email me!

13. http://doilooksick.wordpress.com/

Rachel referred to Vic as a “China Doll”… How precious was that comment?? I was drawn to Rachel’s blog because she suffers from endometriosis. Vic too suffered very badly from endometriosis… I recall the first time I read one of Rachel’s posts she wrote about the searing pain of endometriosis. I was able to understand Vic’s pain better from Rachel’s blog. Rachel’s blog is about music – as a coping mechanisme. There are real good songs to listen to on this blog.

14. http://tothatplace.wordpress.com/

Aarthi dedicated another beautiful poem to Vic and I –http://tothatplace.wordpress.com/2013/04/13/we-were-one/ Aarthi is one of my favourite poets and Vic and I enjoyed her work immensely. Aarthi has become a compassionate friend. Please visit Aarthi’s site (linked above) and read the beautiful poem honouring Vic. Thank you Aarthi for your love, compassion, friendship and sharing your gift!!! Thank you for bringing joy to Vic’s life when she found very little joy in living anymore.

15. http://grammarofgrief.wordpress.com – Una

I am unable to articulate words for Una’s blog so I will use her own: “When you’re stuck in the quicksand of grief, coming unstuck takes time, tenderness and a loving tribe. You’re feverishly seeking answers. What will help fix the plumbing of my leaky tear ducts? Will I ever feel normal again? How many weeks or months will it take for this awful, gut-wrenching pain to go away?

The Grammar of Grief is where I attempt to unscramble the craziness of grief for you. It is a resource for both the grieving and those who need tips and tools to support loved ones who are mourning. This is both your safe space and how-to resource. There’s room for everyone.”

Una has been a source of great comfort to me. Thank you Una!

16. http://myjourneysinsight.com/

Judy Unger’s son, Jason, was born with a serious congenital heart defect called “Transposition of the Great Vessels.” As with most heart defects, his was “one of a kind.” Jason had surgery when he was two and a half months old. He had another one when he was five. He died following that surgery.

It doesn’t seem to matter that I addressed my grief for years and years after my son’s death. Eighteen years later Judy finds it painful to write how it felt to have her beloved son’s soul amputated from her heart and body.

Judy writes beautiful songs and dedicated two songs to Vic:- “I know that soon you will leave” and “Never gone away” http://myjourneysinsight.com/2012/12/20/how-will-i-ever-say-goodbye/ Judy is an incredibly gifted illustrationist. She writes beautiful words and songs! She has held my hand throughout Vic’s journey and now mine. Thank you dearest Judy for your love, support and compassion. One day we will meet!!

Lots of love and thanks to each and every one of you who has supported Vic and I in our journey. She was grateful that I had found an “outlet” and support in Blogging!

Until we meet again

We were one

I had my first counselling session with the Hospice psychologist. It was terribly difficult and emotional.

So often when Vic and I chatted Vic would say “I am so worried about you Mommy…”

In November last year when Dr Sue, Vic’s palliative care physician, broke the news to Vic that her organs were failing Vic’s first words were “Oh Mommy, I am so worried about you – How will you cope?”

When our housekeeper went on leave late December, Vic said to her that they would not see one another again…that she was dying…. Vic asked our Betty to look after me because she was worried about me…

My standard answer to Vic was “I will be okay baby!”

Vic would say “I know, but I worry about you. Promise me you will see someone professional after I am gone?”

“I will be fine. I will be grateful that your suffering is over…But I promise I will!”

I did not know what I was talking about when I said I would be fine… Vic knew me better than I know myself. Nothing could have prepared me for the tsunami of grief that hit me, the void in my life…

So I walked into Alan’s office this morning. I noticed the strategically placed box of tissues, the crumpled ones in the little wastebasket next to the chair…I crossed my mind that he only deals with grief.

We spoke briefly about the boys, but Alan firmly said that today we would focus on me…

I bravely started talking without waiting to be prompted. After all, that is why I was there.

“I knew that I would miss Vic after her death but nothing could prepare me for this” I said

“Vic was diagnosed with Osteogenesis Imperfecta at 18 months. The doctors said she would not live to be older than 12 years.”.

I spoke clearly and succinctly about Vic’s medical history. It was familiar territory. I have share this information with many doctors, research centres, medical professionals… I spoke about Vic’s blotched back surgery and the devastating effect it had on the rest of her life. I ranted about Drs S + V. I articulated my hatred of them, my anger at their arrogance.

I spoke at length about how I fought doctors, tried to find solutions, cures… How I would not leave Vic’s side when she was in hospital or ICU. I told him about the ventilator been switched off and Vic starting to breathe on her own again…

I sobbed my way through Vic’s uncontrolled pain; the doctors telling her that she was a morphine addict…The doctors refusing her adequate pain control post-surgery because of her so-called morphine addiction…

I battled to tell him of Vic’s incredible will to live – sobs wracked through my body.

I share with him my guilt at being the one who administered her sedation at the end of her life. It took me a couple of minutes to get Vic’s final words of “Mommy, I love you…” out.

I saw Alan look at the clock on the wall. I knew our time was almost up.

He sat forward on his chair, his elbows on his knees. His voice and eyes were gentle with compassion.

“Tersia, it is normal to grieve. Vic has taken up all your time and energy for 38 years. You never separated from her. In your mind you were one…”

That is so true. That is why I feel as if part of me has died. Vic and I were so close. She always remained my baby girl. I never became Ma, Mom or anything but “Mommy”.

On the 9^th of October 2012 I posted these words

https://tersiaburger.com/2012/10/09/is-there-pain-after-death-post-2/

As a family we have lived with Vic’s pain and her excruciatingly slow journey towards death for the past eleven years. For eleven years we have heard her scream with pain, moan with discomfort, we hold her hair back when she is doubled up over a toilet bowel, vomiting until she fractures a vertebrae. We have nursed open wounds, changed colostomy bags…. We have watched our daughter and mother suffer the most horrendous symptoms.

So baby, if you read this post, know that we will miss you. We don’t want you to leave us behind, but we want your suffering to end. We will continue to love you until we are reunited one day. You have to trust us that you will always be “my baby” and the boys’ mummy. But know that we will be grateful when your little body is freed from its pain and suffering. You will be at peace… You will not suffer more pain after death. We will mourn you, but we will also be at peace… We will think of you and smile…

It is okay to let go my angel child.

Vic and I discussed this post… We cried then, and I cry now.

I pray that I will find peace.

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And then on the 10 th of September 2012 I blogged the words that I want to repeat today…

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Vic, this award is for you my precious, beautiful, brave baby girl. I love you Angel Child!

1. UntraveledRoads

Peter Wiebe has closed down his blog. Yet I am compelled to nominate Peter for this award.

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