Dying is a lonely journey. Not only for the sick person but also for the family. As hard as we may try to avoid death, the truth is that we do a lousy job of it. Science and medicine will certainly postpone it, even staying healthy might seem to delay it, but the harsh reality is that death does not wait for you, it does not ask you, and it does not listen to you. Death ignores your feelings and wants; you do not matter to death…Death is the only certainty in life! We need to remember that our existence here is fragile, and we never have as much time with people as we think we do. If there is someone or someones out there that you love, don’t neglect that and don’t put off engaging with them because waits for no-one… Vic's Journey ended on 18 January 2013 at 10:35. She was the most courageous person in the world and has inspired thousands of people all over the world. Vic's two boys are monuments of her existence. She was an amazing mother, daughter, sister and friend. I will miss you today, tomorrow and forever my Angle Child.
It is Christmas. It is a warm, and sunny-day, and my heart is cold.
This is our last Christmas as a complete family.
Vic has been vomiting non-stop. The acid has burnt the inside of her mouth. Her derriere is so lumpy, black and blue from the constant injections. Sr Siza popped in. She examined Vic and started drawing up a Clopamon and Morphine injection.
“Please Sister, not my bum. Please do it on my thigh.”
Vic no longer has an appetite. She is sleeping at least 20 out of 24 hours. Vic is very warm to the touch and appears flushed. The thermometer reflects a temperature of 37 degrees C.
“Do you understand what your body is telling you Vic?” Siza asked
Vic nodded and whispered “I do not want to die…”
“Nobody wants to die, Vicky. We all will walk this path. Some sooner than others… You have a degenerative illness and your body is tired…”
“You must surrender your body to God. It is time for your brain to make peace with what is happening in your body.” Siza said. “Where is your Bible?”
3 There is a time for everything, and a season for every activity under the heavens:
2 a time to be born and a time to die, a time to plant and a time to uproot, 3 a time to kill and a time to heal, a time to tear down and a time to build, 4 a time to weep and a time to laugh, a time to mourn and a time to dance, 5 a time to scatter stones and a time to gather them, a time to embrace and a time to refrain from embracing, 6 a time to search and a time to give up, a time to keep and a time to throw away, 7 a time to tear and a time to mend, a time to be silent and a time to speak, 8 a time to love and a time to hate, a time for war and a time for peace.
Siza prayed for Vic and the family for peace and grace in this time. Vic cried and Danie gently held her.
Danie, and I walked with Siza. Her eyes were sad when she said “Her body is shutting down. It could be quick or it could be a few weeks.”
The rest of Christmas Eve passed as if I was in a daze. Lani and the kids arrived, my dear friend Judy arrived after a marathon charity event and the smell of gammon and roast lamb permeated the house. The tables looked festive and there were tons of gifts under the tree.
Vic handed out the gifts. The kids shrieked with delight. A lot of thought went into the gifts. The gifts were truly gifts of love.
3 There is a time for everything, and a season for every activity under the heavens:
a time to be born and a time to die,
Vic doing the Santa thingVic, Lani and TomLove is family…Our dear friend Judy, with Vic, and I. How beautiful is baby Izak?Danie and I with Vic
Today has been a very, very bad day. Sr Siza was here when Vic had a violent vomiting spell. Yesterday Vic fractured a vertebra again. Her pain is out of control. Her breathing was shallow.
“I don’t want Jon-Daniel to see me now Mommy. It freaks him out when I can’t breathe” Vic pleaded
I lay behind her back, gently holding her whilst the tears wracked through her little body.
“I don’t want to die Mommy. If only I can live for another year….. But I am so tired!” Vic softly cried
“Do you think we will be able to do Italy Mommy?” she asked after a long silence
“I hope so Baby. I think we must take the boys with us…” I replied
“Oh Mommy, can we? We don’t have to go for a long time…” Vic said
We lay quietly for a while. Vic trying to breathe through her nausea and pain and I contemplating how I am going to pull off this Italy thing… Just imagine flying with a caseload of injections and a litre of morphine syrup…
“Mommy, I don’t care what you do with my ashes… It was so hard putting my father’s ashes into that wall of remembrance! Are you going to be okay Mommy?” Vic cried
My heart stopped. This was so out of the blue… “You will always be with me. I will not put you into any wall” I said
“I will be your guardian angel.” Vic said
“I know but remember I will need some privacy… “I said
“Don’t worry Mommy! I will make sure my father doesn’t peep as well” Vic laughed through her tears
Over the past 10 years I have seen my child suffer so much indignity and indescribable pain. I have seen the despair in her eyes, the helplessness in the eyes of her boys….I have stood next to her bed and physically pulled my hair in frustration – tears pouring down my cheeks. I have wept before God and prayed for Vic to die. I begged God to take away her suffering.
I advocated the right to die with dignity.
Vic has been in the care of Hospice for the past 3 months. In this time Vic has been given a new lease on life. Hospice cannot change the prognosis but they have given Vic quality of Life. For the past three months Vic has been able to occasionally get out of bed, go for milkshakes with her boys, she went to Jared’s confirmation and Jon-Daniel’s honours evening. She completed her photo albums.
Vic is in renal and hepatic failure. Her tissue is horrendous. Her pain is under control! As and when symptoms surface, Vic’s medication is adjusted. She is treated with compassion and respect. Her wish is the teams command….
As the situation is now I am so grateful that my child is alive. I treasure every breath that she takes. We chat, laugh and cry. We dream of going to Italy in 2013.
So given the situation now what would I advocate – The right to die with dignity or the right to live?
I have no doubt that if Vic’s pain and symptoms got worse, I would want her suffering to end. If it remains as great as it is now of course I want her to live. But it is key that Vic is allowed to live with Dignity!
As much as I advocate the right to die with dignity I believe that the final decision lies with the sick person. It is not for family or physicians to play God. The patient has to be the only decision maker.
I must admit that if the decision was mine to make, my child’s suffering would have ended a long time ago.
We all have the right to Live with Dignity. There is a huge difference between breathing and living…
I just finished a batch of choc-chip cookies. The house is quiet and sweet smell of the biscuits has permeated the air. The Christmas tree lights are flicking and the first batch of gifts beautifully wrapped. It is the season of Christmas. Two weeks ago I despaired that Vic would not live to see Christmas. Dr Sue came and saw Vic this morning. She lanced the cellulitis abscess on Vic’s arm. My baby girl was so brave!! Sue told us of a young man who came to see her in her rooms with a small abscess in his face. He cried with pain. Sue told Vic what a brave person she is…I was so proud of my little girl. Vic’s heart and pulse rate is very elevated. She has a kidney infection. Kidney infections make her tired. I just checked on Vic and she is sleeping so peacefully. She has a serene expression on her beautiful face and she is truly pain-free tonight. Sitting here I am counting my blessings. My baby girl is home. I cannot begin to imagine how difficult it would have been if Vic lived elsewhere or if she was married or involved. I can now care for my child without having to consider my “position” in her life. I am able to be her mommy and take care of her. The boys are settled and happy living with us. We love having them so close to us. They are such well-behaved, kind and helpful boys! Before Vic moved home the boys, mainly Jared, had to cook most days. Now they are able to be children. Life has settled into an easy routine. We have laughter and fun. We cry and despair. We hug. We talk and constantly affirm our love for one another. Vic is spending a lot of time with her boys – talking. She helped with the preparations for Jared’s 16th birthday party. Vic passed me the spices when I baked this year’s Christmas cakes. We laughed when we decided the cake needed another “splash of brandy”. Vic “chose” her Christmas Cake. My wonderful husband is such an amazing person. He is my rock and pillar. He loves and protects us. I am happy and content with our lives. Thank you God for this time of closeness.
It has been a crazy week. Between Vic, final 2012 business meetings, a brochure photo shoot, visiting grandchildren, Jared’s birthday party and Hospice meetings I have run around in circles. I have not had time to blog or read all the blogs I am following.
Vic has had a reasonable week. I can see her getting weaker every day. At night I give Vic a Pethidine, Zantac and Buscopan injection. The Pethidine makes her sleepy. During the day she is able to tell me she needs an anti-nausea injection. At night the drug-induced sleep does not allow her the luxury of early warning. Vic projectile vomits every day of her life!
Vic has also had a couple of uncontrolled sneezing attacks and lots of hiccups. I fear she will fracture ribs and vertebrae if we are not able to control this quickly. I have started giving her antihistamine tablets. Hospice tells me it is a symptom of the kidney and liver failure and will get much worse.
Her arm is still very inflamed and painful. We are now on the 3rd round of antibiotics. The tissue in her derriere is very poor. It is lumpy and bruised. It is becoming more and more difficult finding good tissue where I can inject her.
Emotionally it is really a difficult time. Vic is spending as much time with the boys as possible. She is doing a lot of what appears to be “lasts”….
It is 11 days to Christmas, and we are looking forward to a quiet Christmas Eve with the family. Our gifts are not as extravagant as other years. Our priorities are simply different this year. This year Christmas will be a time of love and togetherness.
Vic’s arm is very painful. The antibiotics have not started working yet. Dr Sue will come and see her tomorrow morning, and we will then decide whether it warrants hospitalization. Obviously Vic need intravenous antibiotics and her tissue is too poor….
Tonight Vic had one of her worst vomiting spells yet. It happened after 02:00am and her dinner of 7.30pm had not digested yet. It is obvious that the oral antibiotics are not being absorbed.
Vic was very tired today, but insisted on going with Jon-Daniel to the orthodontist. In years to come will he remember that his mommy was with him when he heard his orthodontic treatment ends on the 1st of February at 09:15am?
My sister phoned tonight. She categorically told me that I have no business injecting Vic. Nurses go to College for 4 or 5 years so they know what they are doing…. I did not even bother to explain that it is the Hospice site that is bad… My two sites are only in the beginning stages of going septic… I wonder whether she remembered that Vic has sepsis in her spine and abdomen…
The pethidine has kicked in. My child is in a pain-free sleep. I will now try to sleep. Tomorrow may be a rough day.
It is 12:42am and Vic is sleeping peacefully. She had a “good” day. In between her naps she had lunch with a friend, a visit from Esther and a walk in the garden with Jared!
Vic’s legs are growing very weak. The cellulitis on her arm has worsened despite the antibiotics. It is now oozing pus. Sr Siza will see her tomorrow, and I believe Vic will have to go onto IV antibiotics. She had a violent vomiting spell just after she took her antibiotic tablets tonight. It is very difficult for her to keep tablets and food down. Despite the six-hourly anti-nausea injections she has…. And of course there is the problem of the poor absorption.
“I can’t do this anymore…” Vic mumbled to herself tonight after the vomiting episode.
The situation is getting to Danie. My poor husband tries so hard to be strong and make life easier for the rest of us. Jared and Jon-Daniel are deeply conscious of the situation.
“Life will be horrible without Mommy” Jared said today. “She takes so much of our time, and such a big space in our lives…. Mommy has such a presence Oumie…”
We spoke about his little brother and Jon-Daniel’s inability and aversion to discuss his emotions.
I realised that the boys are already starting to dread the void Vic’s passing will leave. Anticipatory grief is a killer. It is unfair that these two beautiful boys have to experience so much pain and hardship in their young lives. They should be riding their bikes and getting up to mischief. Now they are stressed out because their mother is dying.
I am too tired to write anything that makes sense. I just need to record today. I never want to forget today.
I want to remember how I felt when I lay with my child this afternoon. I want to remember her tears when she spoke to her sister. I want to remember the smell of her vomit. Maybe it will make it easier to accept later on.
Sue saw Vic this morning. Her liver is very distended and exerting pressure on the right lung. I now have to use her little arms and legs as injection sites. I HATE injecting her in the legs. The doctor fears that she will develop abscesses on her bum. The entire derriere area is full of lumps and bruises. When I inject her the injection site becomes “lemon-peely”. The immediate area swells and becomes hard. Sometimes there is a fair amount of bleeding or serum loss. Her tissue is POOR!!!
I discussed various central line options with Sue. Vic refused point-blank to even consider it. Vic has been mainlined so many times. She always asked the anaesthetists to not tape her hair to the central line…. Vic went into septic shock from a CVV, had the needle inserted into an accessory vein and had to be returned to theatre for the removal of the needle and the cauterization of the puncture wound in the vein…. Due to her poor tissue and bleeding tendencies it took two hours!
So we discussed the way forward.
Sue gave us a script for Pethidine. We will alternate the morphine and Pethidine six-hourly. The poor pharmacist…. She went into shock when she heard that the morphine is NOT being replaced by the Pethidine… that it is in addition to the morphine.
Now it is only a matter of time. Vic’s organs are slowly shutting down. My child is gently being eased into death.
The entire day it echoed through my mind “we cannot stop this. It is happening”
Vic is calm and serene.
“Next year my mom and I are going to Italy” she told Sue today.
“Then I can die…”
“We will find a way my love” Sue said…
“It is closer that she realises” Sue said to me at her car
Sr Siza examined Vic today. She phoned Dr Sue who will be in tomorrow morning. She also brought a script with for Dalacin antibiotics. The cellulitis has spread to all three the subcutaneous sites.
Siza expressed her concern at Vic’s decline…
Last Friday Danie, my husband, came and sat next to me and said “I know everyone says it will be better for Vic to die than live in this pain but I was thinking how hard it will be for us without her…”
That statement really shook me. Up until now death has been a hypothetical issue… Doctors diagnoses and prognosis…predictions… I have never really considered living without my child.
Last week Siza and I met with the CEO of Amcare, a large community project that provide community based feeding schemes, HIV/AIDS Counselling, Home-based care, skills development, ARV Clinic, women and children shelters. We are hoping that they will “host” our Hospice at their premises.
The CEO knows Vicky and the boys. Jared was confirmed in his church earlier this year.
I shared with them how difficult it was to get a terminally ill person into a Hospice Program and that 95% of the dying population die in pain. Vernon (CEO) quietly listened to us and explained how difficult fundraising is. Christians are tight with their money…
Vernon then shared the following with us.
“In 2007 I was driving home from a meeting when I felt this urgent need to see Vicky. I knew she was in hospital as she was on the prayer list. I drove to the Donald Gordon (Hospital) and was directed to the ICU. The nurses welcomed me although it was way past visiting time.”
“Pray for her. We are switching the machines off tomorrow morning…” they said.
“I stood next to her bed, raised my arms and prayed that God would spare Vicky for her little boys. I stood next to a dead person that night. Two days later I heard that Vicky did not die when the machines were turned off…”
I just stared at him. I was speechless… I had no idea! It was the first time I had ever heard the story!
In June 2007 Vic had developed ARDS (Acute Respiratory Distress Syndrome) after a series of operations trying to close up an abdominal fistula. Her body was excreting up to 7 litres of faecal matter a day and she had every superbug the ICU could offer. On the Tuesday Vic went into respiratory failure and was ventilated. I was talking to her when the doctors rushed us out of ICU and put her onto the ventilator. By the Thursday her kidneys and liver had started shutting down.
My BFF, Gillian drove 350 kilometres to be with me. On the Thursday there was absolutely no sign that Vic could or would recover. Vic had a DNR and a living will that she had provided the hospital.
That evening one of the ICU doctors, Liam, hugged me and said “Mommy, Vic is tired. You must let her go…”
Gill, Leeann (Vic’s friend) and I went home after visiting hour to talk to the boys. They were already in bed when we arrived home. We sat with them
“Guys, you know how ill Mommy has been….Mommy’s lungs are not able to work on their own. Mommy’s kidneys and liver is also not working that well anymore. The doctors feel that Mommy will not be able to breathe without the machines and that Mommy has suffered too much. They think it will be better for Mommy to be taken off the machines…”
Jared quietly started to cry. Jon-Daniel was stoic. Jared was 10 years old and Jon-Daniel 8 years old.
“What will happen with us Oumie” Jon-Daniel asked.
“Sweetie, Oumie and Oupie will ALWAYS be here for you. This is your home.”
Jared cried himself to sleep. Jon-Daniel just clung to me. The three of us shared a bed that night.
The next morning early Gill, Lee and I set off to hospital. When we arrived I said “I am not going into that hospital until I have prayed in the Chapel.”
The three of us prayed and it was with absolute certainty that I KNEW Vic would not die that day.
Family and friends drifted in and out of the waiting room the whole day. My minister came and prayed for my child. Everyone said goodbye.
That afternoon Danie and I were allowed to see Vic. The “invasive” ventilator had been disconnected and she had a mask-like ventilator covering her face. It was a grotesque sight.
Danie held her little hand and his tears dripped onto her arm.
“Oh sweetie” he said, the sorrow and pain raw in his voice.
Vic opened her eyes and said “Daddy”….
Three days later Vic was discharged from ICU….. It was not her time.
Today I looked at her and fear struck at my heart. My child is slowly slipping away. Her little body is tired of the pain. Her little organs are enlarged and diseased. Her bones weak….
And the realisation hit home…. We need another miracle.
Hospice has just fitted a subcutaneous driver – again. Vic’s pain has spiralled out of control over the past couple of days.
Vic was in absolute excruciating pain during the night. She battled to breath.
“Help me Mommy! I can’t stand the pain anymore…”
I lay next to her and put constant pressure on the area that hurt most. It was just below her ribcage – liver. “Oh Mommy, it is so sore. Can you feel how sore it is?
As a little girl Vic used to believe that I could “feel” her pain…
“Feel how sore my toe is Mommy…”
As I lay there with my hand on her “sore” I wished with every fibre in my body that I could lay my hand on her sick body and soak up the pain and disease. It cannot be so I look for a new spot on her bum to stick in a needle.
Vic seems calm now and the pain under control. She is sleeping peacefully. She has not vomited since this morning and managed to have a sandwich for lunch.
Please God let the subcutaneous driver work. Please let the tissue hold up! Please God!
Aarthi wrote Vic another beautiful poem. Thank you Aarthi. We needed your beautiful words to encourage and remind us today. Vic is going through a particularly harrowing time. She is suffering from severe nausea and the injections are no longer as efficient as before. Poor little poppet! She also broke another vertebra on Saturday when she put on her bra….
For the first time in Vic’s journey I am running scared of the amounts of pain medication her body needs. This afternoon she was in excruciating pain – the pain was under the right-hand ribcage. That is the liver. Her eyes are slightly yellow and her skin a little sallow.
Over the weekend Vic walked into my TV lounge and I got such a fright when I saw her. Her face was ghostly pale. She actually looked like a geisha without the red lips and charcoal eyes. Her eyes were dark from pain.
I had to phone Hospice this afternoon and ask them for more pain medication. I am trying to work out what the effect of the increased medication will be to the toxicity levels in her body. Hospice said we are at the 50/50 level. The levels of medication can now be detrimental to her. What do we do?
A calm courage waits in them
like a belief that breathes in her soul
those black pearls of mysterious power
glow like a beacon of hope
it is as if she is saying
i shall continue the fight
her will is deeper than she herself knows
that lustre speaks so much more
she is a gem as i can see
she is a warrior in her ways
that strength that originates in the depths of her
flows out and gives her eyes a brilliant grace…
I am so tired. I think it is emotional more than physical.
Vic went to the movies with her friend Tracey today. As she wanted to leave, Hospice arrived. Sr Siza was VERY dubious whether she should go… Anyway the boys went with to make sure she was okay. They are so protective of her.
When Tracey dropped her at home she was so tired she could not lift her feet. She immediately got into bed and I know it will take days for her to recover. I am grateful that she enjoyed the movie. I cannot believe my child went and saw The Twilight SagaBreaking Dawn Part 2!! She is the most anti-vampire person I know!
She said “Oh Mommy, the one part was scary but it was so much fun!”
I have read up on the effects of continued morphine administration when someone is in Renal and Liver Failure. We have no option but to continue the pain medication regime… It will help her live and yet it will certainly contribute even hasten her death.
I don’t care. I want Vic to be as pain-free as possible. It is becoming increasingly difficult to do so. She is literally on a “morphine on demand” regime. She cannot overdose – she is too used to Morphine. The dosages have been titrated over many years…
Over the past 5.5 months I have received many messages of encouragement, prayer, support, empathy and an outpouring of love. Until now Vic’s final journey seemed so pointless and unfair ….
A million times I have asked myself WHY Vic? Why has she had to travel this horrifically painful journey? Why do her boys have to live and witness this pointless pain and suffering?
I realize now that Vic’s suffering has made us aware of the suffering of others. In my country we have a terrible poverty problem and only 5% of people dying have access to palliative care. Maybe Vic had to travel this terrible road so the world can become aware of the 95%’s plight.
Tonight I was reading through the comments I received on my latest blogs. I would like to share some of it with you. I randomly copied some of the comments for you to read:
Tersia, I am still with you, and so touched that you are so conscious of all that is going on around you. I hope that as Vic surrenders, as she is already doing,, so do you, so that this stage of both of your lives becomes an experience you couldn’t have imagined.
I hope as Vic begins to feel that gentle euphoria, you too get a share of it… the body and the mind are so complex and beautiful that not everything happens as we think it should, and I hope your grief is somehow eased and soothed. Thinking of you all, Valerie
PS I hope you don’t think this message is insensitive….
In the final stages dying is something we do alone. i have often thought i would like to enter that final sleep while my husband is out. maybe that is just me and my desire to spare him more pain. you and vic are so close and i don’t think there is anything that can be said to make this more bearable for you. my heart aches for you, your husband, vic’s boys, her siblings and extended family. just remember it is easier to be the one leaving. we know that our suffering is going to end. it is your suffering we despair. whatever is meant to be will happen and yet i can’t help but hope for you to have enough time to be ready to let go
November 14, 2012 at 07:29(Edit)My thoughts and prayers are with you and the family. I pray that you will all have peace in your hearts and minds as you await Vic’s release from this terrible suffering.
Amazing that you are sharing this difficult journey with all of us. This takes a lot of courage, and Vic is so lucky to have you (and the others) around her at this time. And we are so lucky to benefit from your sharing, should (or when) we find ourselves in comparable situations. But right now, my thoughts are with you and your family.
Ray’s Mom says: November 15, 2012 at 00:53(Edit) Tersia I wish you didn’t have this to bear, that your daughter could magically recover. God is with you and your daughter is so fortunate to have you near. Thank you for sharing this life experience.
optiesays: November 13, 2012 at 07:46(Edit) I am so glad that Vic has been blessed with these “extra” years but I am sure she is aware that they come at a cost to her and the family. We are never ready to say goodbye to those we love dearly. Vic’s suffering is terrible and my prayer for her is that the pain control will be well managed till the end. My heart goes out to you as a mother and grandmother, I cannot imagine what it must be like for you to have witnessed all that Vic has been through.
Gilliansays: November 17, 2012 at 07:02(Edit)That is brilliant idea, is there anything I can do to help you get the (Hospice) centre up and running.
I have to thank you for bringing a subject most feel they cannot talk about out in the open in such a loving way ~
I would wish too be able to move forward with your goal with a hospice there in your area know If you need a latter writing campaign, or anything i can do from here please never ever hesitate to ask me please. You are making a beautiful thing out of the tragedy of Vic;s life being cut far too short.
sbcallahan says: November 16, 2012 at 03:06(Edit) it is only normal to want to hold on to your beloved vic. i do hope with all my heart that you can let her go if that is what she wants now. at this stage you know that her suffering is going to go on and no one is served by her continued pain. this is the hardest thing you will ever do but you can find the strength to do it. wishing you peace of heart
Barefoot Baronesssays: November 17, 2012 at 17:38(Edit) My God Tersia. I was instantly taken back to my mom who had stage 4 lung cancer that we were aware of just 2.5 months after diagnosis. I know the fear of the low oy2 count. I do know the fear of the oy2 therapy. What I did not know is the long lasting journey that you & Vic know.
Every post you share and I read I am left with this love for you both that seems to wash away all those things in life that matter not one bit. I have stopped sweating ALL the small stuff. There is something so loving & giving in your sharing with us, but more importantly Vic’s children are always going to have this. your journal of their mom’s life. I cannot think of a more loving, tender and generous thing for a mother and grandmother to do. my prayers and wishes are that this cathartic in a good way for you.
Although I am still behind in reading posts I have devoted m, myself to missing one of yours. Just may put me behind in commenting and I am wondering and hoping this does not cause you more pain having to come back to a memory of a few days ago. You tell me if so because I will understand and honor your wishes.
My gentle hugs to you both, Please give my love too. ~ BB p.s. you will forgive me please..I cannot hit the like button on your posts.
Barefoot Baronesssays: November 17, 2012 at 19:41(Edit) My Dear friend, You have choked me up with tears. You, who is going through so much have the sight to see beyond. I am humbled by your kind and generous words. I’d like you to know that any time you need a cyber-shoulder to lean on I would be honoured if you chose me at times, or all the time. You can even email me, you have my permission.
I am grateful Tersia for your words. I mean what I said that the small stuff is not on my plate anymore. If it arises I am able to just kick it to the curb with no further attention. You & Vic are enforcing this belief in myself every day Vic should know that all she allows to be shared is the most loving gift any human can give to another at this time when real wisdom’s surface. It’s amazing to me that at a time when it would be allowed to let her withdraw she instead reaches out to her children, her mom, and via your blog even her words.
Thank you so much for this message~ My love & gentle hugs to you both.
My Blogsays: October 20, 2012 at 00:43(Edit) I too wish your child could be pain free. After I read your post I logged on to Facebook. My daughter posted about her migraine, and how her meds aren’t working. I too suffer from migraines and blame myself for passing them down to her. I wish I could help. All I can do is love her and be there when needed. Keep up your strength. We’re with you and your daughter in spirit
thedarkest13 says: October 19, 2012 at 20:51 It’s amazing that you have that openness with your daughter and the living fear and pain is going to be there. We are made to feel loss and sorrow. Especially when it’s our children. I am truly sorry for what is happening and watching is not easy. Just enjoy what time you do have and make the most loving memories you can. You both seem amazingly strong and I don’t even know you. The love you have transcends these moments.
those moments between you and your daughter those drops of peace and happiness and joy save them like drops of pearls save them like diamonds rare that is a form of unending love that gives and gives and never expects be there like a rock for your child and i am sure she would win and survive our world is one of miracles too our world is an oasis rarities and your child too shall her courage prove just be there with a smile always give her the courage to stand taller than before she shall overcome her struggles soon prove all wrong and herself right she must win and win this time make sure you are there to know witness her strength, her wars, her fight love can kill the worst of fears and happiness shall soon return changing the way she views her life…
with love and regards…
Dedicated to Vic and her wonderful Mom. :)
Peter Wiebesays: October 22, 2012 at 01:14 I so appreciate your openness. I pray that nothing will happen while you are away. I pray that Jesus will bring you comfort.
Andrewsays: October 22, 2012 at 03:51 I always found the roller coaster metaphor powerful during my cancer treatment, recovery, relapse, treatment, and recovery again and I think you have captured it well with Vic. Good for you to get away for a week – caregivers sometime forget that they need care too. Best wishes.
Gillian says July 4, 2012 at 04:56(Edit) Dear Tertia, Do not be so hard on yourself. You have so much on your shoulders, you are allowed to have emotions, you are allowed to get irritated, What you need is a good, well deserved mental rest where you stop trying to work things out yourself …… A long much-needed look at the beautiful creations, topped off with some quality time with a friend. And trusting someone to assist with Vic for 2 days a month. She does not want to feel that she is the cause of you being house bound. Read Matthew 11:28-30. XXXXX
dlmchalesays: October 12, 2012 at 20:48(Edit)I only bookmark a handful of sites that I “need” to follow; sites that do more than convey information – sites that cause an necessary evolution of my own humanity. Your site is at the top of that short list. I have so much empathy for what your family endures on a day to day basis, so much so that there are times I can’t even read another paragraph because it physically hurts to watch you and your loved ones afflicted so.
I know there are times when you feel like giving up. That is more than understandable and you should not run from those feelings….these types of reactions actually keep you sane. But know this: in your darkest moments, when all else seems insurmountable, ….you are not alone, in spirit, in prayer, in thought. You need never edit your writing to mask this incredible pain. In sharing such a violent and honest summary of your families pain, you bring a sense of belonging to something bigger to all those people who are enduring similar challenges. I can’t tell you why the unfairness of it continues. But I can witness that you have been a champion of love and a gladiator of emotional support. You make a difference in this fight…a big difference. We….the people who experience this on vicariously through your written word…also have an obligation, one that I commit to and cherish…and that is to be here for you when you need us. You are an inspiration to me.
Dennis
micey says: October 23, 2012 at 21:12 Hi Tersia. I finally made it to your blog. I’m so sorry for the suffering your family is living through. I pray the Lord gives you strength to carry on each minute of the day. I pray He fills you with peace. I pray for miraculous healing for your sweet girl. I pray for the end of suffering. I pray you have a safe and wonderful trip to visit your family. I pray you receive many hugs from those you love. I pray you find rest for your weary soul.
in the final stages dying is something we do alone. i have often thought i would like to enter that final sleep while my husband is out. maybe that is just me and my desire to spare him more pain. you and vic are so close and i don’t think there is anything that can be said to make this more bearable for you. my heart aches for you, your husband, vic’s boys, her siblings and extended family. just remember it is easier to be the one leaving. we know that our suffering is going to end. it is your suffering we despair. whatever is meant to be will happen and yet i can’t help but hope for you to have enough time to be ready to let go
I am so proud of my beautiful Vicky who has made a difference in so many people’s lives. I am proud that is her most pain filled moments she can think of others who are less fortunate than she is.
I thank Vic for the vision of a Hospice in our city. I want to thank everyone who has sent us messages of comfort, support, encouragement and prayers… Thank you for walking with us on this difficult journey. Thank you for the love you have shown. Thank you for your prayers.
If this post does not make enough sense please forgive me. Today has been a very difficult one for Vic. She is so tired. I am just trying to make sense out of everything…..
The comments I extracted were absolutely random and does not minimize the value and comfort I experienced from the hundreds of wonderful messages I have received. Most of my readers/followers have life-threatening diseases, lost a child, suffer debilitating pain of their own and yet they care! Thank you.
We spent the entire day chilling! We had a great day filled with laughter and joy.
Yuri and Chloe last summer
Life is so uncomplicated here. There is laughter and joy. There is discipline and tears. There are toys on the floor and the smell of food in the air… There are little hands that pick up and scribble. Shrill voices that shriek “Oumie!!” when they are threatened with disciplinary action… Hugs and kisses and lots of “I love you’s.”
Laughter and joy
In two days’ time I will return to South Africa.
Henk
I will leave behind my beautiful granddaughters, my son and his lovely wife. I will take with me the memories of 10 carefree days of laughter and no responsibilities. I will return to my structured and ordered life, the antiseptic smell of illness and medicine that permeates the air….
Yuri, Simone and Kari
Kari and Simone will come and spend the weekend. Yuri, (who thinks I am the coolest gran in the world because I build armoured vehicles) will jump into my arms and ask where his cuzzies are; Jared and Jon-Daniel will volunteer to make me tea and tell me how quiet the house was without me; Henk will say “Hello Ouma… Did you have a good holiday?” in his deep voice; Vic will tear up and I will finally hear the truth about how she has been….
My son Danie, his wife Michaela and the 3 girls
In two sleeps time I shall return to my beautiful South African family and my life as I know it.
On the 17th of September Vicky was accepted onto the Hospice program. Dr Sue Walters, the Hospice doctor and Sr Ceza, Hospice Nursing Sister, thought she would die within days. Vic was barely conscious and too weak to walk. Vic was breathing but had already ceased to live!
In two days’ time we celebrate Vic’s “One Month with Hospice” and I think she is getting stronger every day. We still have bad days but her pain control is great! Vic is reasonably mobile; she laughs and spends constructive time with the boys and the family! She is sorting out photos and all sorts of things that she has neglected for months. She is spending less time in bed. She is sleeping less and eating more.
It is as if she has a new lease on life!
Could it be possible that the pain was killing her? Is it possible that the adhesions have stopped their devastating path of destruction? That just maybe the sepsis has cleared?
Vic still needs assistance with basics. Vic could live like this. We could live like this. Please let this continue! Today I pray that this is the case. I pray for a miracle. I pray that Vic is in remission.
I just finished a batch of choc-chip cookies. The house is quiet and sweet smell of the biscuits has permeated the air. The 
Vic's Final Journey 